With my new travel distance to the lovely Warwick everyday I have time
and occasion to see many weird and wonderful sights. Such as the old
lady this morning, apparently wearing a cheetah skin coat!
Chunky fur in style it was brown with big black splodges looking for all
the world like a cheetah at the bus stop. It nearly buried the old dear
and I pondered how it made her look like a pimp from the 70s.Albeit a
grey haired old lady style pimp from the 70's
Last seen romping across the Savannah the Cheetah coat now adorned the
old lady as if she were stood inside a tent. Maybe she hoped it would
make her appear bigger and deter would be bag snatchers, to me she
looked like Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch, which should be deterrent
enough in itself.
For all I know the pimps of Warwick could indeed be little grey haired
old ladies in outsized overcoats and I wondered how she controlled her
beeatches? Usually they patrol their turf in flash motors so her waiting
for a bus could be misleading, perhaps the Jag was in for service.
Another more disturbing sight came at the top of a big hill into the
town and again featured a little old lady who was sat atop the hill, on
a bench, facing the incoming visitors to town, ie me.
Unfortunately she was sat with her legs wide open and, the way the hill
curves, all us drivers had an unrestricted and unwanted view of her
undergarments! (Big and white, cos I know Mikey will ask). Luckily i'm
not of a nervous disposition and I managed to keep the car on the road
but I was definitely slightly traumatised and demonstrating symptoms of
shock.
Fair play to the old dear though, if she wants to air her drawers on a
sunny Warwick morning, then who I am to quibble? I just wished she saved
the show for after rush hour, I'm far to tender in years to be exposed
to old ladies knickers, I'd want to be at least 100 before that starts
happening as a regular occurrence, at least at that age I should be able
to appreciate the view.
I cant comment on whether the underwear were Marks and Spencers own....
6 Pack And No Need Of A Torch
Hesitant as I am to broach the subject of feminine hygeine products, I
feel it my duty as a retail professional to make some suggestions.
It should be noted that I base these suggestions on my experience of the subject....I mean in a retail sense of course.....
Being as I can remember a time when we carried 3 or 4 of these products and seemed to manage perfectly fine it is with some surprise I note our range today, (which btw changes seemingly every 3 weeks, lillets to always to tampax back to lillets and so on) as we now have about 33 varieties of the same thing, long ones, short ones, extra absorbent and now even night time specific ones …...I have no idea? Perhaps they glow in the dark........the logistical nightmare of managing the change over in range is headache inducing and compounded by their tendency to be shoplifted......which is mind boggling in itself, where's the market exactly? I can imagine our steaks being sold in the local pub for example but a guy sidling up to you with a coat full of night time always, "half the retail price guvnor AND they glow in the dark"
And so to my suggestions,
1. how about we stick with the same range for a least 2-3 months?
2. Considering the volume of different ones as listed above should we consider a variety pack?
If you send us some stickers I'm quite willing, ala crème egg deal, to make our own using old baguette bags....
It should be noted that I base these suggestions on my experience of the subject....I mean in a retail sense of course.....
Being as I can remember a time when we carried 3 or 4 of these products and seemed to manage perfectly fine it is with some surprise I note our range today, (which btw changes seemingly every 3 weeks, lillets to always to tampax back to lillets and so on) as we now have about 33 varieties of the same thing, long ones, short ones, extra absorbent and now even night time specific ones …...I have no idea? Perhaps they glow in the dark........the logistical nightmare of managing the change over in range is headache inducing and compounded by their tendency to be shoplifted......which is mind boggling in itself, where's the market exactly? I can imagine our steaks being sold in the local pub for example but a guy sidling up to you with a coat full of night time always, "half the retail price guvnor AND they glow in the dark"
And so to my suggestions,
1. how about we stick with the same range for a least 2-3 months?
2. Considering the volume of different ones as listed above should we consider a variety pack?
If you send us some stickers I'm quite willing, ala crème egg deal, to make our own using old baguette bags....
Wanderer's Return
Sammy is back! Sam of Wednesbury is now looking after the Solihull
massive and so becomes...Sam of Solihull, well done, your keeping up so
far.
Having been off the last couple of years adding to the worlds population explosion,(Wednesbury is now so overcrowded the local council is asking people to share trousers, one leg each, At weekends Sam and Mr Sam share a nice pair of beige chinos) she is now back and rearing to go. Almost immediately on stepping from her beloved Robin Reliant (only 3 previous owners 2 nuns and Bishop Tutu, not the Bishop Tutu, another one) she spotted an opportunity, you see Solihull is unique among petroleum forecourts and convenience emporiums in that, it is the only one that shares the forecourt with an undertakers!
Sam being the retail professional of many a year sees this as a massive bonus that we should be highlighting via the pole sign......bp...m&s...carwash...toilet...undertakers..
As she said to me,
"imagine the average customer popping in to pick up some bits and pieces mentally ticking off their list, Beans, Bread, Milk, Bury Granny, Soap powder"
Its a sure fire winner and no mistake!
The other aspect she likes is that the guy who runs the undertakers lives above the place and, apart from hoping bumps in the night ARE intruders, this gives them added security and staff on tap 24/7. Something we at bp should emulate she insists. Young duty managers starting out on the property ladder could rent some rooms above the store and be ready for action whenever called upon!
Sammy, you think of everything.
Having been off the last couple of years adding to the worlds population explosion,(Wednesbury is now so overcrowded the local council is asking people to share trousers, one leg each, At weekends Sam and Mr Sam share a nice pair of beige chinos) she is now back and rearing to go. Almost immediately on stepping from her beloved Robin Reliant (only 3 previous owners 2 nuns and Bishop Tutu, not the Bishop Tutu, another one) she spotted an opportunity, you see Solihull is unique among petroleum forecourts and convenience emporiums in that, it is the only one that shares the forecourt with an undertakers!
Sam being the retail professional of many a year sees this as a massive bonus that we should be highlighting via the pole sign......bp...m&s...carwash...toilet...undertakers..
As she said to me,
"imagine the average customer popping in to pick up some bits and pieces mentally ticking off their list, Beans, Bread, Milk, Bury Granny, Soap powder"
Its a sure fire winner and no mistake!
The other aspect she likes is that the guy who runs the undertakers lives above the place and, apart from hoping bumps in the night ARE intruders, this gives them added security and staff on tap 24/7. Something we at bp should emulate she insists. Young duty managers starting out on the property ladder could rent some rooms above the store and be ready for action whenever called upon!
Sammy, you think of everything.
Love Is In The Sales
Here on the day of love we rose to the challenge of adding a bit of
Valentines 'Theatre' to our stores by going one step further
than the usual balloons, ribbons and floral extravaganzas.
We decided we would co-opt a member of staff into playing our very own in store cupid!
We chose the traditional depiction of a curly haired cherubic cupid and dressed the staff member accordingly. With the aid of his moms rollers,(for the curls) and a nappy( adult incontinent pants, cheap and surprisingly absorbent!) he certainly looked the part. Initially he was reluctant to stride round the store dressed only in a nappy but once threatened with counselling he soon relented . I checked where we stood on that with Janet T and she confirmed it was a reasonable request to get a staff member to aid with sales.....
The incontinent pants served a dual purpose as we were able to keep him out there for hours without the need of toilet breaks.....
Unfortunately the lads somewhat wholesome figure tended to frighten some of the female customers as he followed them around with his bow and arrow, and we also had to abandon suspending him from the ceiling due to safety concerns. The 100 or so clipstrips proved insufficient to hold him and we didn't want some poor unsuspecting customer suddenly piggy backing a half naked cupid around the food to go!
We decided we would co-opt a member of staff into playing our very own in store cupid!
We chose the traditional depiction of a curly haired cherubic cupid and dressed the staff member accordingly. With the aid of his moms rollers,(for the curls) and a nappy( adult incontinent pants, cheap and surprisingly absorbent!) he certainly looked the part. Initially he was reluctant to stride round the store dressed only in a nappy but once threatened with counselling he soon relented . I checked where we stood on that with Janet T and she confirmed it was a reasonable request to get a staff member to aid with sales.....
The incontinent pants served a dual purpose as we were able to keep him out there for hours without the need of toilet breaks.....
Unfortunately the lads somewhat wholesome figure tended to frighten some of the female customers as he followed them around with his bow and arrow, and we also had to abandon suspending him from the ceiling due to safety concerns. The 100 or so clipstrips proved insufficient to hold him and we didn't want some poor unsuspecting customer suddenly piggy backing a half naked cupid around the food to go!
Windows 2100
I've noticed of late that there are new style hearses on the market. By on the market I don't mean i've been looking to buy one, but i've seen them out and about and understand that the discerning bereaved loved ones can now choose an all new hearse with bigger windows! Huge they are, like a massive mobile fish tank only without the little bridge and coloured stones. I assume this all round extravaganza of glass is to enable bigger and better floral tributes to be displayed as the deceased makes that final journey, giving mourners and general bystanders a nice panoramic view of the whole show....as it were.... This got me to thinking about my own sad passing, for it will happen one day, and I think my wishes viz a vee my final final transport should be known, I, of course, now want the big fancy hearse complete with a large all round floral tribute in two words that stretch all round interior, only I want the letters scrambled so that general bystanders have to work for their free entertainment and the anagram should be,
ESH EDDA!
Naked Mile
Having agreed (reluctantly) to 3 obligatory random staff searches each
week i now find ,what with me being a busy man ,that i don't have the
time for their completion .
To workaround (new word instigated by gss people !) this problem ,I have decided we will hold one completely naked monthly meeting whereby all staff will arrive on site in the buff , spend 10 minutes chatting amiably about relevant site issues (such as how we all love gss for example ),meanwhile I and my dsm (also both completely starkers ) will conduct brief visual checks for company stock and equipment using only a see through clipboard and pen .In one fell swoop all searches are complete for the month .I can see these catching on !
On the subject of gss , all exel deliveries for the next few days will be later than normal as they will first have to collect your ordered stock from the Kings Norton depot ! I'm not saying we have had a lot of templates but the walls actually bulge externally , kings norton looks like it has eaten too much cake ...
To workaround (new word instigated by gss people !) this problem ,I have decided we will hold one completely naked monthly meeting whereby all staff will arrive on site in the buff , spend 10 minutes chatting amiably about relevant site issues (such as how we all love gss for example ),meanwhile I and my dsm (also both completely starkers ) will conduct brief visual checks for company stock and equipment using only a see through clipboard and pen .In one fell swoop all searches are complete for the month .I can see these catching on !
On the subject of gss , all exel deliveries for the next few days will be later than normal as they will first have to collect your ordered stock from the Kings Norton depot ! I'm not saying we have had a lot of templates but the walls actually bulge externally , kings norton looks like it has eaten too much cake ...
Waterproof
Recruiting for new staff we received 2 applicants via the Recruitment
line.Having phoned one of them to arrange an assessment, without any
hassle, I proceeded to ring the second, a gentleman who I shall call
Englebert for the purposes of this e-mail.The call went something like
this,
I dialled the mobile number given, it rang twice and was answered in a
shout,
Englebert: YEAH?
Me:Hello, this is Andy store manager at bp Kings Norton,I'm calling with
regard your application for the csa position.
Englebert: YEAH?
Me: ummm, I'd like to arrange a suitable time for an assessment?
Engelbert sighs deeply and shouts into the phone, LOOK,I'LL HAVE TO CALL
YOU BACK, I'M IN THE SHOWER.
Me...ok...umm....i mean what?
Engelbert : I'M IN THE SHOWER.... CLICK ....He didn't actually shout
click, that was the sound of him simultaneously ending the call and any
chance he ever had of working at Kings Norton.
Do they even make water proof mobiles?
He never did call back anyway, probably couldn't find a waterproof pen
and paper with which to write himself a reminder!
9 Out Of Every 10 Men
Its not possible to put out the magazines of a morning without being amazed by the lurid and frankly bizarre strap lines on the womens mags. Increasingly extreme real life tails emblazoned across them, such as, I married an axe murderer and, my mother ran off with my wife etc can only be detrimental to the mental health of anyone exposed to them for any length of time. And so it is I worry about my night crew. For one thing the amount of sex surveys to end all sex surveys the mags proclaim is definitely worrying, I want to keep my night crew away from sex and the prospect of procreation in general. For the good of mankind you understand....some of us were made to propogate the species whilst others, well, should be shall we say be protected botth them and (particularly)any prospective mate. After all it'd only confuse them anyways, they break out in a cold sweat if a woman addresses them directly, might be she only asks them the time but no matter for they'll still get in a fluster.
Speaking of sex surveys anyway, i'm regularly accosted on visits to town by everyone from political surveys to scientology stress tests, usually proffered by impossibly white teethed beautiful people, the Scientologists that is not the surveyors who are usually mad haired ladies of a certain age ....potential mates for night crew perhaps....NO! DO I LOOK F&$€£@G STRESSED?.....but never have I been asked to take part in a sex survey.? Law of averages would dictate I should be getting asked at least bi-monthly?Maybe the subjects of sex surveys are not ordinary upstanding citizens of renown such as you or I, but are the denizens who frequent the little side street stores with blacked out windows....ADULT BOOKS....you know the ones, yeah you do.....and I for one don't think I care to base my sexual exploits on the learnings from those guys!
Speaking of sex surveys anyway, i'm regularly accosted on visits to town by everyone from political surveys to scientology stress tests, usually proffered by impossibly white teethed beautiful people, the Scientologists that is not the surveyors who are usually mad haired ladies of a certain age ....potential mates for night crew perhaps....NO! DO I LOOK F&$€£@G STRESSED?.....but never have I been asked to take part in a sex survey.? Law of averages would dictate I should be getting asked at least bi-monthly?Maybe the subjects of sex surveys are not ordinary upstanding citizens of renown such as you or I, but are the denizens who frequent the little side street stores with blacked out windows....ADULT BOOKS....you know the ones, yeah you do.....and I for one don't think I care to base my sexual exploits on the learnings from those guys!
Rubber Women Save The Planet
One of the roads I travel to work in the morning has a new traffic scheme whereby the powers that be have converted a bus lane into a 2 persons or more lane. Now, I don't take anyone to work with me and bearing in mind my morning persona that's probably for the best, so I am banned from the new lane and must slum it with all the other singletons in the bumper to bumper traffic. To be honest i've never been in traffic that was going slower than the new lane so in actual fact the thing is pretty pointless but damn it I want to use it! I don't like being banned from anything but the petty police we have in this city would be on you like flies for driving in the lane on your lonesome, I mean it would use up time and save them having to tackle any actual real crime.
My consternation at this dilemma got me to thinking and I have come up with a plan. I'm going to purchase a blow up doll! To act as my passenger you understand. I discounted mannequins due to lack of lifelike qualities whereas blow up dolls are now reputed to be more realistic than ever.although certain of their dubious features will not be necessary for my purposes. Problem being I won't purchase such an item on my card as I'd never be able to look the bank lady in the eye again so it has to be cash and therefore a trip to a sex shop!
Now I foresee a sex shop exchange being somewhat similiar to the condom buying trevails of my teenage years. Back then you could only get them at the chemist and each trip was fraught with embarrassment. I could never get the discreet, quiet old guy oh no it had to be the old lady with the knowing smile, loud mouth and bawdy sense of humour. I must have purchased half the shop in useless items trying to get what I actually wanted. Have you ever tried those bloody diabetic sweets?
There would of course be no diversions in the sex shop and (God willing!)no sign of any little old ladies, I wouldn't fancy the process of choosing the doll of course I mean would they believe I only want her for passenger duty? I doubt it and should I Iose my nerve I very much doubt they sell diabetic sweets, but on the plus side i'm sure they'd stock condoms. Although a simultaneous purchase of blow up doll and condoms might confuse them greatly!
My consternation at this dilemma got me to thinking and I have come up with a plan. I'm going to purchase a blow up doll! To act as my passenger you understand. I discounted mannequins due to lack of lifelike qualities whereas blow up dolls are now reputed to be more realistic than ever.although certain of their dubious features will not be necessary for my purposes. Problem being I won't purchase such an item on my card as I'd never be able to look the bank lady in the eye again so it has to be cash and therefore a trip to a sex shop!
Now I foresee a sex shop exchange being somewhat similiar to the condom buying trevails of my teenage years. Back then you could only get them at the chemist and each trip was fraught with embarrassment. I could never get the discreet, quiet old guy oh no it had to be the old lady with the knowing smile, loud mouth and bawdy sense of humour. I must have purchased half the shop in useless items trying to get what I actually wanted. Have you ever tried those bloody diabetic sweets?
There would of course be no diversions in the sex shop and (God willing!)no sign of any little old ladies, I wouldn't fancy the process of choosing the doll of course I mean would they believe I only want her for passenger duty? I doubt it and should I Iose my nerve I very much doubt they sell diabetic sweets, but on the plus side i'm sure they'd stock condoms. Although a simultaneous purchase of blow up doll and condoms might confuse them greatly!
Raised Brow
Noticeably missing a member of staff I went off searching for the errant employee. 10 or so minutes went by before she finally emerged from the bathroom, somewhat sheepish looking as she caught my exasperated expression. “ You’ve been gone for half an hour, what on earth were you doing in there?”
Obviously I ask this question reservedly but when you’ve just arrived at work and you adjourn to the facilities for the first half hour, then the manager has a right to ask…I think….
“ I was drawing my eyebrows” she replied…..“ Umm…what?” I asked, as I was convinced I had misheard the drawing part…… “ I don’t have any eyebrows and I’d not had time to draw some on before leaving the house” . It transpired that she had attempted to dye the things once upon a time and the process had gone ary, chemically depriving her of her eyebrows.
Now, I’m not the most observant bloke ( key word ..bloke) but I must confess there had been occasions when ( I know now) it was clear she had drawn them on too high. At the time I remember wondering why everything I said to her seemed to render her utterly shocked, I'd say the must mundane thing and the eyebrows would shoot skyward. Turns out they’d been skyward all along.
At this juncture I had to express, in a somewhat bemused fashion that, although I sympathised with her plight I had to insist that she a) arrived on time and b) preferably with eyebrows. I was admittedly curious as well and almost suggested googling online in the hope that…maybe….someone had invented prosthetic ones? … I’ve checked, they don’t.
Obviously I ask this question reservedly but when you’ve just arrived at work and you adjourn to the facilities for the first half hour, then the manager has a right to ask…I think….
“ I was drawing my eyebrows” she replied…..“ Umm…what?” I asked, as I was convinced I had misheard the drawing part…… “ I don’t have any eyebrows and I’d not had time to draw some on before leaving the house” . It transpired that she had attempted to dye the things once upon a time and the process had gone ary, chemically depriving her of her eyebrows.
Now, I’m not the most observant bloke ( key word ..bloke) but I must confess there had been occasions when ( I know now) it was clear she had drawn them on too high. At the time I remember wondering why everything I said to her seemed to render her utterly shocked, I'd say the must mundane thing and the eyebrows would shoot skyward. Turns out they’d been skyward all along.
At this juncture I had to express, in a somewhat bemused fashion that, although I sympathised with her plight I had to insist that she a) arrived on time and b) preferably with eyebrows. I was admittedly curious as well and almost suggested googling online in the hope that…maybe….someone had invented prosthetic ones? … I’ve checked, they don’t.
Missed It
With a candidate having passed the gruelling process of the select
direct telephone call(!), we invited him down for the in store
assessment. Through an accident of bad planning I was here when he came
and, (reluctantly) feeling I should show willing, I decided to have a
brief chat before proceeding,
“So what interests you about working for bp?”
“I was told its good ennit”
“Ummm right, who told you that then?”
“dunno”
“you 'dunno' who told you or you don't understand the question?”
“nahh was probably a friend ennit”
“Right. Have you worked in retail before?”
“i wuz a painter ennit”
“Portraits or landscapes?”
“nah houses ennit” (OK so the joke was bad but.....)
At this point I felt it high time he moved onto the assessment while I went for a lie down...ennit.
Surprisingly he failed and we're gutted to have missed out on such potential, the back fence could certainly do with a lick of paint.
“So what interests you about working for bp?”
“I was told its good ennit”
“Ummm right, who told you that then?”
“dunno”
“you 'dunno' who told you or you don't understand the question?”
“nahh was probably a friend ennit”
“Right. Have you worked in retail before?”
“i wuz a painter ennit”
“Portraits or landscapes?”
“nah houses ennit” (OK so the joke was bad but.....)
At this point I felt it high time he moved onto the assessment while I went for a lie down...ennit.
Surprisingly he failed and we're gutted to have missed out on such potential, the back fence could certainly do with a lick of paint.
Rage Against The Machine
I consider myself a retailing professional, I think I’ve earned that
conceit after all these years. Granted my usage of tills is fairly ltd
to …well… now and again, but I know my stuff and can usually serve a
customer without too much fuss and drama…usually…..Therefore it
troubles me greatly that I am completely and utterly inept when it comes
to using self serve in supermarkets! To the embarrassing point that the
duty manager at our local mini Tesco wants to bar me from using the self
serve!
Oh I start well enough I manage too hit the START button fairly well after barely a pause for thought, its from here on out that the problem arises and myself and the electronically voiced lady have issues.Firstly I struggle manfully with the damn bags, do they super glue the stupid things shut? Now I’m not a sweaty handed individual thankfully and I cant get the things to open naturally. I try licking my fingers(I know!) rubbing my trousers….for electric friction people, concentrate here…….and in desperate frustration accosting a passing greasy haired personage for a dripping or two. To no avail whatsoever, usually at this point, probably prompted by greasy person complaining, an assistant comes and rescues me with a one fingered release system! My ire rises and the temper is beginning to surface to ugly proportions.
Now I begin to scan, naturally the first item takes 17 passes over the myopic scanner before it takes, then of course scanning itself 9 times.Once I figure out how to remove the 8 errant items the lady prompts me to bag the item. This I do, the lady prompts me AGAIN to bag the item.
“I have bagged the item “ I plead “PLEASE PLACE THE ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA” “I have placed the f****** item in the F****** bagging F****** area.”
I believe my constraint at this stage is admirable. Finally after moving said item into a variety of positions, it now stands on his head at a precise 90 degree angle, the ’lady’ accepts and asks me to continue. This I do again encountering the Mr Magoo of scanners before attempting to once again bag, and failing once again to bag ‘PLEASE ‘PLACE THE ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA’ “I have I have I swear I have placed the item in the bagging area!”
Half hour later when I’ve finally scanned and bagged my 5 items(!) I must pay, I choose cash, it prompts me to choose a payment type I AGAIN choose cash, it prompts me in loud dull tones once again to choose a payment type. At this stage I ignore the stupid machine and, after 34 attempts manage to get IT to accept my increasingly battered £10 note . It vomits my change helpfully onto the floor and as I pick this up I swear I can hear HER sneering from inside the damn machine but....finally....I am free to leave and doffing my non-existent hat at the exasperated looking duty manager I leave the store with a happy little gait.
Oh I start well enough I manage too hit the START button fairly well after barely a pause for thought, its from here on out that the problem arises and myself and the electronically voiced lady have issues.Firstly I struggle manfully with the damn bags, do they super glue the stupid things shut? Now I’m not a sweaty handed individual thankfully and I cant get the things to open naturally. I try licking my fingers(I know!) rubbing my trousers….for electric friction people, concentrate here…….and in desperate frustration accosting a passing greasy haired personage for a dripping or two. To no avail whatsoever, usually at this point, probably prompted by greasy person complaining, an assistant comes and rescues me with a one fingered release system! My ire rises and the temper is beginning to surface to ugly proportions.
Now I begin to scan, naturally the first item takes 17 passes over the myopic scanner before it takes, then of course scanning itself 9 times.Once I figure out how to remove the 8 errant items the lady prompts me to bag the item. This I do, the lady prompts me AGAIN to bag the item.
“I have bagged the item “ I plead “PLEASE PLACE THE ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA” “I have placed the f****** item in the F****** bagging F****** area.”
I believe my constraint at this stage is admirable. Finally after moving said item into a variety of positions, it now stands on his head at a precise 90 degree angle, the ’lady’ accepts and asks me to continue. This I do again encountering the Mr Magoo of scanners before attempting to once again bag, and failing once again to bag ‘PLEASE ‘PLACE THE ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA’ “I have I have I swear I have placed the item in the bagging area!”
Half hour later when I’ve finally scanned and bagged my 5 items(!) I must pay, I choose cash, it prompts me to choose a payment type I AGAIN choose cash, it prompts me in loud dull tones once again to choose a payment type. At this stage I ignore the stupid machine and, after 34 attempts manage to get IT to accept my increasingly battered £10 note . It vomits my change helpfully onto the floor and as I pick this up I swear I can hear HER sneering from inside the damn machine but....finally....I am free to leave and doffing my non-existent hat at the exasperated looking duty manager I leave the store with a happy little gait.
Toshy Tickets
We have new price tickets for Wine here in M&S land that wax lyrical
with the usual guff re wine,such as for example Casablanca Sauvignon
Blanc which is lovingly described as,
'inviting slightly grassy aroma and mouthwatering flavours of gooseberry, pear and melon'
One can only hope the grass hasn't been holding cows or the wine'll come with the true aroma of the countryside.
Now I'm not a wine buff and subsequently know very little but even I have drunk enough varieties and types to make the assertion that, Red wine tastes red, white tastes white and I'll grant you the licence to describe dry white as tasting of chalk! A good dry will have you dry gobbing and/or sound like your trying to get your tongue around speaking Dutch!
Now I'm not the kind of guy to make such a claim without backing it with good solid data and so, I have doctored one of our best selling wines ticket to read,
' inviting the tender aroma of wet badger and all the mouthwatering sunshine flavours of bird droppings'
Lets see how that sells .I should probably include the word, infused , in there somewhere as its so beloved of all the product tosh writers.
'inviting slightly grassy aroma and mouthwatering flavours of gooseberry, pear and melon'
One can only hope the grass hasn't been holding cows or the wine'll come with the true aroma of the countryside.
Now I'm not a wine buff and subsequently know very little but even I have drunk enough varieties and types to make the assertion that, Red wine tastes red, white tastes white and I'll grant you the licence to describe dry white as tasting of chalk! A good dry will have you dry gobbing and/or sound like your trying to get your tongue around speaking Dutch!
Now I'm not the kind of guy to make such a claim without backing it with good solid data and so, I have doctored one of our best selling wines ticket to read,
' inviting the tender aroma of wet badger and all the mouthwatering sunshine flavours of bird droppings'
Lets see how that sells .I should probably include the word, infused , in there somewhere as its so beloved of all the product tosh writers.
The Last Pair
Sunday pm, tills are all on busy as a busy thing in busy town and the
phone rings.......
I get to it on the 37th ring and an exasperated,and posh, sounding lady says,
“H'well AT laaaast, good lord I thought M&S valued customers, I've let that ring 38 times (one of us is lying) and finally you answer”
“ahh, I'm sorry for your wait, we are rather busy on the tills”
“Humphh, h'well anyway, I h'want you to check some trousers”
“err, we're........” was as far as I got before she interjected with,
“only you had them laaast year and I h'want a new pair in size 10.”
after a pause “Ok hold the line I'll check for you”
I went and looked at the carwash fill levels
I did the dcd check
I chatted a little with the undertaker next door. (small talk with an undertaker...hows business?....)
I did a litter pick amble around the forecourt before finally returning to the office and,
“hello?”
“FINALLY, well?”
“sorry, we JUST and I mean JUST sold the last pair!!”
I get to it on the 37th ring and an exasperated,and posh, sounding lady says,
“H'well AT laaaast, good lord I thought M&S valued customers, I've let that ring 38 times (one of us is lying) and finally you answer”
“ahh, I'm sorry for your wait, we are rather busy on the tills”
“Humphh, h'well anyway, I h'want you to check some trousers”
“err, we're........” was as far as I got before she interjected with,
“only you had them laaast year and I h'want a new pair in size 10.”
after a pause “Ok hold the line I'll check for you”
I went and looked at the carwash fill levels
I did the dcd check
I chatted a little with the undertaker next door. (small talk with an undertaker...hows business?....)
I did a litter pick amble around the forecourt before finally returning to the office and,
“hello?”
“FINALLY, well?”
“sorry, we JUST and I mean JUST sold the last pair!!”
Failure In Disguise
On that note, I've bought an ancient and enormous old overcoat from the
carboot (proper carboot not Sammy n Fagoons strange carboot) a huge
overcoat that'll fit everyone working here (not all at once ..separately
of course) to wear while they purchase their lunches. This should avoid
the dirty looks and/or inane queries from customers, one would hope but
I think my cunning disguise will be seen through. There must be a 'staff
member walk' that we all do?
"Drive through?" I replied, I'm afraid not. I was in fact thinking, great here we go again, another fruit loop.
"no drive through?" He repeated, increasingly desperately it seemed. Not as desperately as I wanted him to go away so I could continue queing for my lunch, this overcoats boiling not to mention itchy.
"umm no?"
"No drive through nuts, peanuts?"
Light slowly started to dawn as he repeated that last sentence again
"DRIED FRUIT!" Eureka I had cracked his secret code!
"YES!" he exclaimed with relief, "drive through!"
"I'll show you" I replied and led him off to the 'drive through' outsized overcoat sweeping the floor as we went.
"Drive through?" I replied, I'm afraid not. I was in fact thinking, great here we go again, another fruit loop.
"no drive through?" He repeated, increasingly desperately it seemed. Not as desperately as I wanted him to go away so I could continue queing for my lunch, this overcoats boiling not to mention itchy.
"umm no?"
"No drive through nuts, peanuts?"
Light slowly started to dawn as he repeated that last sentence again
"DRIED FRUIT!" Eureka I had cracked his secret code!
"YES!" he exclaimed with relief, "drive through!"
"I'll show you" I replied and led him off to the 'drive through' outsized overcoat sweeping the floor as we went.
Turn On The Light
I think in these eco-friendly times we live in the energy efficiency
checks we must complete each shift are a good thing. The planet must be
saved and who better than us to set an example? (he says as another half
acre of forest in the form of till receipts goes in the bin)
The turning off of all non-essential lighting, such as the toilet lights, is a step in the right direction, HOWEVER, ....I see a flaw.
Such is the nature of our busy work day that, often, our visits to the toilet facility are somewhat infrequent and, by the time you eventually get in there, decidedly urgent.
This urgency is hampered greatly by the delayed reaction lighting which takes several bladder squeezing seconds to kick in. It comes to the point where an anxious person may start earlier than the lighting allows and, I fear, accidents may ensue. Not accidents in the sense of ASA conversations, but in the sense of, “oh for ***** sakes I've pee'd in the sink again!”
The turning off of all non-essential lighting, such as the toilet lights, is a step in the right direction, HOWEVER, ....I see a flaw.
Such is the nature of our busy work day that, often, our visits to the toilet facility are somewhat infrequent and, by the time you eventually get in there, decidedly urgent.
This urgency is hampered greatly by the delayed reaction lighting which takes several bladder squeezing seconds to kick in. It comes to the point where an anxious person may start earlier than the lighting allows and, I fear, accidents may ensue. Not accidents in the sense of ASA conversations, but in the sense of, “oh for ***** sakes I've pee'd in the sink again!”
Advice To Bed
Knowing several of you are veterans of long term relationships( Brendan
has medals!) I would like to pass on some advice given to me a while
back by a former colleague. Now, I don't normally take advice in affairs
of the bedroom from octogenarian forecourt cleaners but when he sidled
up to me and said, "when you need some excitement back in a
relationship,I have only 2 words for you..Uniform and Toys!" I felt it
only right to give it a try. Well, imagine my other half's surprise that
evening when she threw back the bedclothes to find me in full wild bean
uniform clutching a pile of Lego.
Bell The Old
The elderly lady fixed me in her steely eyed glare, "young man" she
said, I looked around but it was in fact me she wanted, either that or
she needed stronger spectacles,
"young man, do you still have those prunes you had last week, only I said to my Arthur this morning blah blah blah blah blah " She didn't of course say blah blah but the rest of what she was actually saying washed over me like a speech on health and safety. I only heard the occasional word...Arthur...prunes...regular....
After what seemed an eternity she finally stopped talking and I was able to escort her to said Prunes upon which she launched into another diatribe relating to how happy Arthur would be etc etc. I'm sure poor old Arthur must be deaf and anytime she encounters people with hearing she feels the need to talk until they faint. I nearly did I swear.
I know its archaic and quite probably against their human rights but I'd like to have all old people entering the store wear a little bell that activates as they move, that way whenever I'm about to enter the shop floor I could first listen out for the tell tale tinkle of old people and therefore stay outback where I'm safe.
"young man, do you still have those prunes you had last week, only I said to my Arthur this morning blah blah blah blah blah " She didn't of course say blah blah but the rest of what she was actually saying washed over me like a speech on health and safety. I only heard the occasional word...Arthur...prunes...regular....
After what seemed an eternity she finally stopped talking and I was able to escort her to said Prunes upon which she launched into another diatribe relating to how happy Arthur would be etc etc. I'm sure poor old Arthur must be deaf and anytime she encounters people with hearing she feels the need to talk until they faint. I nearly did I swear.
I know its archaic and quite probably against their human rights but I'd like to have all old people entering the store wear a little bell that activates as they move, that way whenever I'm about to enter the shop floor I could first listen out for the tell tale tinkle of old people and therefore stay outback where I'm safe.
Payback
Italian words spoken by a rich Brummie accent do not lend themselves to
ease of understanding.
A woman had to ask me 5 times today if we stocked Mascarpone before I realised she wasn't actually asking me for a massive pony. Being asked for any sized pony could be construed as unlikely but when you've seen as many loopy customers as I have........
B.t.w, Sarah, before you say it, I do know what Mascarpone is! I'm a classy guy we have it on toast all the time in our ouse)
A woman phoned up the store and asked for our boy-scouts department! I've been asked before for, lingerie, children's clothes and and light fittings departments, but boy scouts? I told her we don't have one but I'm happy to tie her a few knots if she's stuck.
After work today I followed a customer home, marched confidently into their living room and proceeded to move all their ornaments into improbable locations. I then asked their poor unsuspecting children lots of inane questions before grumbling bitterly about everything and anything I could think of. Having littered their floor with used diesel gloves and left some graffiti in their toilet, (bp offer details, never miss an opportunity folks) I promptly left.
A woman had to ask me 5 times today if we stocked Mascarpone before I realised she wasn't actually asking me for a massive pony. Being asked for any sized pony could be construed as unlikely but when you've seen as many loopy customers as I have........
B.t.w, Sarah, before you say it, I do know what Mascarpone is! I'm a classy guy we have it on toast all the time in our ouse)
A woman phoned up the store and asked for our boy-scouts department! I've been asked before for, lingerie, children's clothes and and light fittings departments, but boy scouts? I told her we don't have one but I'm happy to tie her a few knots if she's stuck.
After work today I followed a customer home, marched confidently into their living room and proceeded to move all their ornaments into improbable locations. I then asked their poor unsuspecting children lots of inane questions before grumbling bitterly about everything and anything I could think of. Having littered their floor with used diesel gloves and left some graffiti in their toilet, (bp offer details, never miss an opportunity folks) I promptly left.
Cheesy Cheese
A new cheese has arrived in store and on it is a sticker proudly
proclaiming, BRONZE IN THE WORLD CHEESE AWARDS......Not to be confused
with the Olympics which are entirely seperate ....I knew nothing of
these world cheese awards, are they televised? Do the spectators cheer
for their cheese of choice? I'm going to see if I can purchase a Cornish
Cruncher replica shirt.
On reflection I'd have to say I'm a little disappointed with bronze, 'it's not just cheese you know, its 3rd placed M&S cheese' doesn't quite have the same ring to it.
On reflection I'd have to say I'm a little disappointed with bronze, 'it's not just cheese you know, its 3rd placed M&S cheese' doesn't quite have the same ring to it.
Chilled Out
Wandering the outer reaches of Arctic Solihull(aisle 3) I happened across 2 members of the customer species in an apparently somewhat distressed state. "Ho Customer types", I greeted them cheerily," I cant help noticing you appear top be in a somewhat distressed state, may I offer my assistance in anyway?"
"cccccold.....sssssssso.....fffffffar....from.... hhhhhhh" they struggled to reply. "ahh said I" for I now understood their plight, "Never fear dear customers for I am here now and I will lead you to safety and, more importantly, warmth" Later, as they recovered,(with the lack of an instore Brandy carrying St Bernard, we effect heat restoration with the aid of 2 strategically strapped wbc sausage rolls, 1 under each arm pit does the trick) and I regaled them with tales of my retail derring do, they asked me a question. " how do you manage the cold, it doesn't seem to affect you at all?"
"aha" I chortled,(I'd always wanted to chortle one day and had been saving this one up) " the secret is, I and in fact all our staff, are protected by the warm glow of BP's love!"
"cccccold.....sssssssso.....fffffffar....from.... hhhhhhh" they struggled to reply. "ahh said I" for I now understood their plight, "Never fear dear customers for I am here now and I will lead you to safety and, more importantly, warmth" Later, as they recovered,(with the lack of an instore Brandy carrying St Bernard, we effect heat restoration with the aid of 2 strategically strapped wbc sausage rolls, 1 under each arm pit does the trick) and I regaled them with tales of my retail derring do, they asked me a question. " how do you manage the cold, it doesn't seem to affect you at all?"
"aha" I chortled,(I'd always wanted to chortle one day and had been saving this one up) " the secret is, I and in fact all our staff, are protected by the warm glow of BP's love!"
Directions To The Pot
The old man shuffled up to me (I think it was the way he walked and not
that someone had tied his laces together) 'scuse me son' he said,
'toilet?' and did a little tap dance on the spot that intimated to me
that the need was quite urgent. ' follow me I replied and briskly
marched toward the toilet' behind me I could hear a determined shuffle
trying to keep up. When opposite the toilet I said 'there you go' and
left him to it.
I returned to my station and continued with the confect plan. A few moments later I again heard a shuffling behind me, this time followed by an even more desperate tap routine, turning round I was met once again by the old fellow, 'thats the ladies son there's no urinal?'he almost cried .....'Ah I see, Thats actually a unisex toilet sir and we have only the one, fine to use that one......A look of enormous relief crossed his wizened old features and he turning so swiftly I'd imagine he dislocated a hip, he half shuffled half galloped off toward the toilet.....a brief moment later I swear a satisfied groaning filled the shop!
I returned to my station and continued with the confect plan. A few moments later I again heard a shuffling behind me, this time followed by an even more desperate tap routine, turning round I was met once again by the old fellow, 'thats the ladies son there's no urinal?'he almost cried .....'Ah I see, Thats actually a unisex toilet sir and we have only the one, fine to use that one......A look of enormous relief crossed his wizened old features and he turning so swiftly I'd imagine he dislocated a hip, he half shuffled half galloped off toward the toilet.....a brief moment later I swear a satisfied groaning filled the shop!
Festive Focus
With our immense focus on the festive season and the abundance(ABUNDANCE!) of festive stock in store I cant help feeling that we're missing a trick. We have no Santa's grotto! With this in mind and utilizing old cardboard and recycled blue tack retrieved from the back of an old Safeway sweeping log(!) We have constructed our own Santa's Grotty here at Solihull round the back of the carwash. The wbc ladies playing Santa, she was the only one who could supply her own beard, and we even have a happy elf,Ian in tights, (Khadra being unavailable this year).Again he supplied his own which worried me slightly, but I suppose lots of young lads own green tights in these enlightened times.
Anyway, the Grotty was very popular doing a roaring trade until the riot ensued. Many bloody noses were accumulated and we now have one seriously traumatized (former) elf. On reflection I suppose left over promo items WERE unsuitable presents from Santa and this led to the revolt. Our attempts to SOC converse with several parents lent further fuel to the flames so to speak and the whole experiment had to be aborted somewhat abruptly. I do think the R.S.P.C.As fuss over the reindeer's antlers was much to do about nothing, the dog was perfectly fine and once the superglue degrades the upturned headbands will fall off naturally.
Anyway, the Grotty was very popular doing a roaring trade until the riot ensued. Many bloody noses were accumulated and we now have one seriously traumatized (former) elf. On reflection I suppose left over promo items WERE unsuitable presents from Santa and this led to the revolt. Our attempts to SOC converse with several parents lent further fuel to the flames so to speak and the whole experiment had to be aborted somewhat abruptly. I do think the R.S.P.C.As fuss over the reindeer's antlers was much to do about nothing, the dog was perfectly fine and once the superglue degrades the upturned headbands will fall off naturally.
Choke On It
In order that our more...shall we say..simple customers aren't caught out, M&S kindly help them in little significant ways. Take for example the Cakes we sell, these include a helpful serving suggestion which is a picture of said cake sliced and presented on a plate! Revolutionary.
This would assist those more elderly customers who may have been opening the cake and banging it straight in the deep fat fryer.
Usually things like this come around for HSSE reasons, maybe at some point in the past Accident and Emergency units were filled with the very same elderly folk wearing permanent rictus grins on account of trying to eat the full cake in one bite, subsequently giving themselves lock jaw.
“ello, ustomer are? I ot ock yaw ....OCK YAW? Es, ats what I aid, yaw .....”
One can only imagine their sad plight as they try to give their personal details with a mouth stuffed full of whole Victoria Sponge,
Name ? “MFFFFLLLLFLUUUFFF!”
This would assist those more elderly customers who may have been opening the cake and banging it straight in the deep fat fryer.
Usually things like this come around for HSSE reasons, maybe at some point in the past Accident and Emergency units were filled with the very same elderly folk wearing permanent rictus grins on account of trying to eat the full cake in one bite, subsequently giving themselves lock jaw.
“ello, ustomer are? I ot ock yaw ....OCK YAW? Es, ats what I aid, yaw .....”
One can only imagine their sad plight as they try to give their personal details with a mouth stuffed full of whole Victoria Sponge,
Name ? “MFFFFLLLLFLUUUFFF!”
Retail Radio
Retail radio is destroying my soul!
I really cannot abide any more radio friendly easy listening played incessantly throughout my day,and as for Gary the wild bean guy! How did this guy get the job? He delivers his script with all the passion of a wet rag. “We're passionate about coffee” No your not Gary no your not! If he pauses between lines one more time I'm throwing a csa at the speakers.....a big one at that! No names........
Maybe retail radios awfulness is the reason people who queue perfectly normally anywhere else suddenly develop schizoid tendencies when asked to do so at bp? They hop from foot to foot, angry eyes glaring at the poor ol' csa's.
'How dare they be serving someone else/filling stock or picking their noses, time is money and I'm in a queue doing my irate gorilla'
Thankfully I have the new M&S fruit naming policy to cheer me up.(!) The names have been 'funkyfied' to jazz up the range....FRUITY BEAUTY.....MANGO MADNESS and MElONOMA MELONS......I think I may have made the last one up? .Unfortunately as you can no doubt tell, M&S going funky is somewhat akin to your nan doing the Prodigy's Firestarter at some God awful family gathering and, either way your getting to see M&S' s bloomers and thats neither funky NOR healthy for any of us!
I really cannot abide any more radio friendly easy listening played incessantly throughout my day,and as for Gary the wild bean guy! How did this guy get the job? He delivers his script with all the passion of a wet rag. “We're passionate about coffee” No your not Gary no your not! If he pauses between lines one more time I'm throwing a csa at the speakers.....a big one at that! No names........
Maybe retail radios awfulness is the reason people who queue perfectly normally anywhere else suddenly develop schizoid tendencies when asked to do so at bp? They hop from foot to foot, angry eyes glaring at the poor ol' csa's.
'How dare they be serving someone else/filling stock or picking their noses, time is money and I'm in a queue doing my irate gorilla'
Thankfully I have the new M&S fruit naming policy to cheer me up.(!) The names have been 'funkyfied' to jazz up the range....FRUITY BEAUTY.....MANGO MADNESS and MElONOMA MELONS......I think I may have made the last one up? .Unfortunately as you can no doubt tell, M&S going funky is somewhat akin to your nan doing the Prodigy's Firestarter at some God awful family gathering and, either way your getting to see M&S' s bloomers and thats neither funky NOR healthy for any of us!
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