This September the Midlands and surrounding area, (such as Warwick) will
be graced by a visit from his holiness the Pope!
As a good catholic boy by upbringing I am naturally very excited
at the prospect of the pontiff popping into Guyscliff for a
packet of pork scratchings and my retailers brain has been
kicking into gear with ideas,
1. We must have a merchandising stand, like the England
stand, replica flags papal hats and rosary beads. Pope on tour
t-shirts even, WARWICK SEPT 2010.... Nothing too garish or tatty
so we should perhaps discount Flowerfete as a supplier. Not
unless we want little plastic wind up Popes on till 3.....I
might suggest that one actually.
2. Naturally there will be an awful lot of holy folk in the
vicinity, many of them while here may accumulate rather urgent
confessional needs. We should provide for these needs by
offering to situate a few portable confessional booths here on
the forecourt. Naturally these booths will appear somewhat similar to
portable toilets so careful signage will be essential, we
wouldn't want any unfortunate accidents whereby some
unsuspecting priest gets an unwelcome shower.....
3. It is entirely feasible that his holiness will visit one of
our stores, I'm unsure of the protocol around whether we should
upsell to the Pope, or even if he carries money in his...robe
type thing....but wine of the month is particularly cost
effective for communion wine I guess we could ask if he needs
any? Failing that please revert to the little plastic wind up Popes on till 3
4. Queing for the Popes autograph should be discouraged although
I do believe it is customary for catholics to kiss the papal
ring....I don't know whether a private room should be assigned
for this? ….ohhh ring as in Jewellery.... Phew!.....
5. Bp is a secular company renowned for acceptance of ,and
respect for, all religions and beliefs therefore any favoritism
shown toward the Pope cannot be tolerated and he must, in
effect, be treated as a normal customer. He is probably just as annoying as
a normal customer....I feel sure he has a Nectar card already
but should he not, then it is our duty to encorage him to set
one up, he can take the pack today, pop it in the glovebox of
the Pope mobile then jump online when he's back at the Vatican
and register at his leisure. Advise him there is probably a
Sainsbury local in St Peters square.
6. Do not mention the war. If there are any old folk in
attendance on the day likely to mention the war please have them
locked in a suitable cupboard for the duration. A
non-confrontational headlock is authorised for use during the
Papal visit. ( Although his holiness is alleged to have been
Hitler youth as a boy he assures the world it was because he
liked the uniform).......
7. If there are large crowds and the opportunity presents
itself, a few bottles of Volvic water blessed by the holy father
would sell like hot cakes afterwards. Email Dwayne to send
extra in labelled for holy water purposes.
8. With our own beloved Stonebridge winning a trip to SA for the
world cup perhaps Flowerfete could be persuaded to sponsor a
foreign trip based on sales of the little plastic wind up Popes?
9. Friday focus upsell item for Sept will, naturally enough, be
the little plastic wind up Popes.
Active Parrots
With the advent of active selling we finally get away from the
repetition that had become our byword for upselling, “ coffee? Tea?hot
chocolate?doughnuts? Repeat repeat repeat....customers were leaving the
tills looking shell shocked and confused, some of them were leaving the
forecourt having forgotten they'd come by car.
Now we have licence...and official passports.....to upsell according to the customer in front of us. Hurrah....you'd think! Sadly this has confused some of our csa's considerably, they liked repetition they were comfortable with it, like Hari Krishna with a whole new mantra they trotted out their chants, now here we were asking them to decide what to upsale.
We're trying to get them to recognise and act on link purchases, to emphasise this we of course used cigarettes linked to a lighter as an example. Unfortunately the former parrots among our crew have clung to this like a life raft in the sea of upselling, they now ask anyone and everyone if they'd like a lighter with every purchase, seriously confusing non smoking customers. “no no ” I hear young Liam exclaiming in desperate exasperation (he'd be tearing his hair out if he had assurance it would definitely grow back) “you have to link things with other things that make sense, you can't link lighters to toilet tissue, they're not trying to set fire to their *****s...”
The confusion is further compounded on lottery day when they're told to upsell lottery then link in scratchcards ….. “lottery, scratchcards, lighters?” I hear them chant, it cant be long before they've once again begun offering a complete inventory of the shop to each and every poor bemused customer.
On a side note a few of our overseas staff were delighted at the prospect of being issued passports until it was explained they were merely for star collection and wouldn't render them suddenly available for 40 hours..... one lad even tried to leave the country using his, he still thinks he only failed due to not having enough stars....As I said to him “yes Liam I know I said it is a passport but it doesn't even have your photograph in it ….oh I see you've stapled one in....”
Now we have licence...and official passports.....to upsell according to the customer in front of us. Hurrah....you'd think! Sadly this has confused some of our csa's considerably, they liked repetition they were comfortable with it, like Hari Krishna with a whole new mantra they trotted out their chants, now here we were asking them to decide what to upsale.
We're trying to get them to recognise and act on link purchases, to emphasise this we of course used cigarettes linked to a lighter as an example. Unfortunately the former parrots among our crew have clung to this like a life raft in the sea of upselling, they now ask anyone and everyone if they'd like a lighter with every purchase, seriously confusing non smoking customers. “no no ” I hear young Liam exclaiming in desperate exasperation (he'd be tearing his hair out if he had assurance it would definitely grow back) “you have to link things with other things that make sense, you can't link lighters to toilet tissue, they're not trying to set fire to their *****s...”
The confusion is further compounded on lottery day when they're told to upsell lottery then link in scratchcards ….. “lottery, scratchcards, lighters?” I hear them chant, it cant be long before they've once again begun offering a complete inventory of the shop to each and every poor bemused customer.
On a side note a few of our overseas staff were delighted at the prospect of being issued passports until it was explained they were merely for star collection and wouldn't render them suddenly available for 40 hours..... one lad even tried to leave the country using his, he still thinks he only failed due to not having enough stars....As I said to him “yes Liam I know I said it is a passport but it doesn't even have your photograph in it ….oh I see you've stapled one in....”
Charlie Of Raunds
The sheer quantity of pregnancies in Nadines patch over the last couple
of years led me to believe it was more than mere coincidence. Csas's,
duties, deputies, managers and even the Tm herself have succumbed to
this wave of fertility. With this in mind I did some digging to see if I
could establish a common link and it turns out I can!
The common link in all cases is, Charlie of Raunds!
I believe Charlie of Raunds to be some kind of latent fertility idol, everywhere he went over the last few years he left a trail of expectant mothers and indeed fathers. Fear not propriety fans you don't have to rub him for it to take effect nor am I suggesting Charlie performs ancient fertility rites, no dancing round the forecourt of Raunds naked or anything, least not so I've heard and I'm sure Sam would have complained.
With this in mind young Charlie is going to have to be careful around ladies who, shall we say, have left their child rearing days behind them, I cannot imagine the violence that would ensue should they find themselves pregnant having sat next to him at a territory meeting! I myself am taking great precaution after exposure to Charlie but have to say that 'great precaution' has a tendency to cut the circulation to certain important areas and my fear of something important falling off is greater than my fear of Fertile Charlie.
Anyway, Young Liam here at Guyscliffe is a beneficiary of Charlies latent fertilitynessness and is an expectant father. Now he's a young lad and needs guidance, not with the birds and the bees obviously he got that part but I am of course a veteran of the pregnancy battle field and would be more than happy to pass on the great knowledge and insight I have attained.
Most of it intuitive admittedly, I flicked through a pregnancy 'manual' one time and horrified at the graphic nature never went back! I preferred instead to interpret the changes and happenings as they ummm changed and happened!
(I did do the classes (natal aunties or something) but felt that, if she were allowed an evening hobby, couldn't I maybe take golf lessons instead?)
Thankfully, body wise, all of these changes are in the female, not for expectant dads the swollen ankles and irritated nipples. (I know not what irritates the nipples maybe its the sight of one another?) That aside the role of innocent bystander cannot be under played, its hell out there. When your the only buffer for a woman who spends months feeling like a beached whale, its a thankless task let me tell you and your personal safety is not improved by asking her at bedtime why she's brought a beach ball.....
The beached whale thing is a source of great emotional fragility to a woman unused to it. Take Emily for example, normally a dainty delicate soul (some still terrified csas on Nadine's patch would faint at Emily being described as delicate) she has had to suffer her 'extra luggage' during peak summer season, however being a hardy soul she still manage the Isle of Wight festival, (Rumours that small children used her belly as shelter are believed to be untrue, further rumours that she break danced to JayZ are also unconfirmed), whereas your average bloke would be laid up from conception onwards! Bedridden and demanding, “ I cant go the pub with me mates like this, my ankles are all swollen and my nipples are well irritated!”.....also no doubt severely cursing young Charlie......
Obviously each pregnancy is different (I guess) but even my random experiences might prove helpful to anyone who cared to ask, such as the nursing bra incident. My daughter being 3 weeks early my other half was unprepared and, despite her better judgement and, probably still under the effects of gas, instructed yours truly to obtain a nursing bra! I think at the time I managed a neutral expression that didn't betray my lack of comprehension. The frazzled neurons of my brain heard bra and nurse in the same sentence and I, (somewhat feverishly), imagined we were going to play dressing up when we got home! A thought prompted probably by the distant memory of sex at this stage......O.k so it wasn't that distant but measure distant as someone who thinks about it every 37 seconds i.e. male..... and this wasn't what she meant at all....
I was vaguely aware that Argos were unlikely to do them and eventually realised that Mothercare might in fact be the place to obtain said nursing bra. I was horrified when it was explained to me...somewhat crankily I might add.....that this item was needed for leakage! Needless to say I managed to purchase a couple of them, with the help of a bemused Mothercare assistant......
“I need a bra....not for me, I mean a bra for someone else.....ummm its got a special name?....has to be leak proof if that's any help?...yes yes that's it a nurses bra ...I need a nurses bra!........size? ...ummm about this big.....” I didn't dare to glance at the assistant at this stage for the sake of comparison, thankfully realising how imprudent it would be to say something like, “a little smaller than yours”....
The common link in all cases is, Charlie of Raunds!
I believe Charlie of Raunds to be some kind of latent fertility idol, everywhere he went over the last few years he left a trail of expectant mothers and indeed fathers. Fear not propriety fans you don't have to rub him for it to take effect nor am I suggesting Charlie performs ancient fertility rites, no dancing round the forecourt of Raunds naked or anything, least not so I've heard and I'm sure Sam would have complained.
With this in mind young Charlie is going to have to be careful around ladies who, shall we say, have left their child rearing days behind them, I cannot imagine the violence that would ensue should they find themselves pregnant having sat next to him at a territory meeting! I myself am taking great precaution after exposure to Charlie but have to say that 'great precaution' has a tendency to cut the circulation to certain important areas and my fear of something important falling off is greater than my fear of Fertile Charlie.
Anyway, Young Liam here at Guyscliffe is a beneficiary of Charlies latent fertilitynessness and is an expectant father. Now he's a young lad and needs guidance, not with the birds and the bees obviously he got that part but I am of course a veteran of the pregnancy battle field and would be more than happy to pass on the great knowledge and insight I have attained.
Most of it intuitive admittedly, I flicked through a pregnancy 'manual' one time and horrified at the graphic nature never went back! I preferred instead to interpret the changes and happenings as they ummm changed and happened!
(I did do the classes (natal aunties or something) but felt that, if she were allowed an evening hobby, couldn't I maybe take golf lessons instead?)
Thankfully, body wise, all of these changes are in the female, not for expectant dads the swollen ankles and irritated nipples. (I know not what irritates the nipples maybe its the sight of one another?) That aside the role of innocent bystander cannot be under played, its hell out there. When your the only buffer for a woman who spends months feeling like a beached whale, its a thankless task let me tell you and your personal safety is not improved by asking her at bedtime why she's brought a beach ball.....
The beached whale thing is a source of great emotional fragility to a woman unused to it. Take Emily for example, normally a dainty delicate soul (some still terrified csas on Nadine's patch would faint at Emily being described as delicate) she has had to suffer her 'extra luggage' during peak summer season, however being a hardy soul she still manage the Isle of Wight festival, (Rumours that small children used her belly as shelter are believed to be untrue, further rumours that she break danced to JayZ are also unconfirmed), whereas your average bloke would be laid up from conception onwards! Bedridden and demanding, “ I cant go the pub with me mates like this, my ankles are all swollen and my nipples are well irritated!”.....also no doubt severely cursing young Charlie......
Obviously each pregnancy is different (I guess) but even my random experiences might prove helpful to anyone who cared to ask, such as the nursing bra incident. My daughter being 3 weeks early my other half was unprepared and, despite her better judgement and, probably still under the effects of gas, instructed yours truly to obtain a nursing bra! I think at the time I managed a neutral expression that didn't betray my lack of comprehension. The frazzled neurons of my brain heard bra and nurse in the same sentence and I, (somewhat feverishly), imagined we were going to play dressing up when we got home! A thought prompted probably by the distant memory of sex at this stage......O.k so it wasn't that distant but measure distant as someone who thinks about it every 37 seconds i.e. male..... and this wasn't what she meant at all....
I was vaguely aware that Argos were unlikely to do them and eventually realised that Mothercare might in fact be the place to obtain said nursing bra. I was horrified when it was explained to me...somewhat crankily I might add.....that this item was needed for leakage! Needless to say I managed to purchase a couple of them, with the help of a bemused Mothercare assistant......
“I need a bra....not for me, I mean a bra for someone else.....ummm its got a special name?....has to be leak proof if that's any help?...yes yes that's it a nurses bra ...I need a nurses bra!........size? ...ummm about this big.....” I didn't dare to glance at the assistant at this stage for the sake of comparison, thankfully realising how imprudent it would be to say something like, “a little smaller than yours”....
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