So i had a dream last night and you were in it.....yes, an opening line that, really, neither of us wanted to read.
Let me still your now fast beating heart by quickly adding that it was a completely clean and innocent appearance!
I was running a newsagents......yes......and we had drafted in an old stalwart to cover a shift, who turned out to be you ,only with a different name and appearance!
You looked like an oversized gnome complete with extravagent beard.
How i deciphered this was you i cannot say, other than it was definitely you, the dream was clear on that.
I was introducing you with a potted history, to the young girl also working that shift. She was a current member of my staff only also haviing a different name.
We were joined by a cafe lady....yes the newsagents has a cafe...who was going on her break pushing a wheelchair bound individual of indeterminate description, i know not what part they played or even why the cafe lady was taking them on her break.
Now, the girl, she of the different name, was bemoaning the cafe lady saying she was using your till and letting customers go out back into the cafe area for a warm!
The cafe lady then told me she had to drop a shift as she had no one to look after her kids and couldn't ask her husband as they weren't his kids.....
She too was based on a former employee of mine who also had a casual attitude to kids, marriage and shift scheduling. However she remained nameless in the dream.
As the 2 ladies argued the rights and wrongs of using your till, you, wore your patented,' bemused round women' expression without saying a word.
Self Help
Would solo bondage work? Couples try it all the time to spice things up but what about the poor sods who live on their lonesome, don't they deserve a little spice as well?
Don't see why they couldn't tie themself to the bedstead, i'm sure theres some kind of self tightening knot that'd do the job.
I know your supposed to have a safety word for release in the case of emergency, bit pointless really if your the only one playing but,
I suppose the answer would be to keep a phone handy, imagine the call? 'Yeah i'm tied to my head board.... stop laughing please and send help'
Personally i couldn't ever contemplate bondage as i know for a fact i'd tie mr's andy up then wander off to get some essential acoutrement only to forget all about the poor woman. Believe me she'd not be happy lying there trying to spit out her ball gag!
Then theres the gear, i'd feel daft dressed up like a gay metal head, leathers far to sweaty. I cant even say i find the womens stuff sexy, crotchless just looks drafty, theres no obvious allure.
And what about all those zips? I'd never find anything! All thoughts of lust would disappear quickly as i try locate my car keys.
Don't see why they couldn't tie themself to the bedstead, i'm sure theres some kind of self tightening knot that'd do the job.
I know your supposed to have a safety word for release in the case of emergency, bit pointless really if your the only one playing but,
I suppose the answer would be to keep a phone handy, imagine the call? 'Yeah i'm tied to my head board.... stop laughing please and send help'
Personally i couldn't ever contemplate bondage as i know for a fact i'd tie mr's andy up then wander off to get some essential acoutrement only to forget all about the poor woman. Believe me she'd not be happy lying there trying to spit out her ball gag!
Then theres the gear, i'd feel daft dressed up like a gay metal head, leathers far to sweaty. I cant even say i find the womens stuff sexy, crotchless just looks drafty, theres no obvious allure.
And what about all those zips? I'd never find anything! All thoughts of lust would disappear quickly as i try locate my car keys.
Flex, Aim, Fire
I've had some a spate of urinal related curiosities of late.......panic not propriety fans, i hav,nt pee'd on the guy next to me, a life long dread, imagine a noise startled you at the wrong moment and you jerked around in fright, thereby inadvertently spraying the poor guy next to you, ruining for ever his beige chinos?......
what i mean is, a couple of weeks ago at a venue for our territory manangement meeting, we lads encountered the worlds highest urinals.
People of average leg length, such as myself, had to aim upward as it were, luckily mine comes fully flex....umm, unless aroused that is, although i have to state that is NEVER an issue at the urinals..
This week i'm at a hotel for a food safety course, only to find the worlds lowest urinals! Clearly sited for small boys, of which there are none on the course!
Again with the flexing i made good the difference and, downward in any case is pretty natural but i'm perplexed as to the vagries in urinal design, i would have thought there'd be a universal design size.
Possibly even a european union regulation?!
what i mean is, a couple of weeks ago at a venue for our territory manangement meeting, we lads encountered the worlds highest urinals.
People of average leg length, such as myself, had to aim upward as it were, luckily mine comes fully flex....umm, unless aroused that is, although i have to state that is NEVER an issue at the urinals..
This week i'm at a hotel for a food safety course, only to find the worlds lowest urinals! Clearly sited for small boys, of which there are none on the course!
Again with the flexing i made good the difference and, downward in any case is pretty natural but i'm perplexed as to the vagries in urinal design, i would have thought there'd be a universal design size.
Possibly even a european union regulation?!
Shining My Metaphorical Halo
For all my good intentions not to, i still have a tendency to use the occasional profanity, i'm a man of ltd vocabluary, i need swear words to bulk it out.
Obviously as a consequence, i myself am not easily shocked and can hear all manner of effing an blindin without blinking an eye. Therefore it bothers me greatly that i am so acutely embarrased by the word knob!
Whenever i use it, or hear it used, even in the most innocent context, i feel like a naughty schoolboy, stopping short of giggling nervouslyt but almost certainly blushing like a guilty tomato. Its not even spelt like the...ahem..naughty nob?
Why does it sound so decadent? I blame bloody catholocism.
Anything that conjures up thoughts of my willy automatically kicks in the catholic guilt! Only catholicism could overlook every deadly sin known to mankind and then prop masturbation up as numero uno! Thou shalt not shine thy knob.....
Another aspect of guilt that troubles me lately is, ironically linked to my attempts to NOT use swearwords. In expressing extreme annoyance i forgo FFS in favour of for God's sakes!
This is all well and good except for when i'm in the presence of religeous folk! Such as the lovely old guy at work who worships God and Jesus with every ounce of hs being and who now has to hear me blaspheming 17 times a day!
I can guarantee that every time i'm for Gods saking, our resident holy man is wthin earshot! i end up apologsing and, i can only hope, convincing him that i too like God and am, in my own strange way, keeping his name alive and active! I'm not sure he is buying this?
As a probable consequence he speaks about jesus at every possible juncture, feelng perhaps that i need it. He's quite skilled, he can shoe horn JC into any conversation seamlessly. I now speak of increasingly random topics to see how creatve the' jesus s my savour' gets.
Obviously as a consequence, i myself am not easily shocked and can hear all manner of effing an blindin without blinking an eye. Therefore it bothers me greatly that i am so acutely embarrased by the word knob!
Whenever i use it, or hear it used, even in the most innocent context, i feel like a naughty schoolboy, stopping short of giggling nervouslyt but almost certainly blushing like a guilty tomato. Its not even spelt like the...ahem..naughty nob?
Why does it sound so decadent? I blame bloody catholocism.
Anything that conjures up thoughts of my willy automatically kicks in the catholic guilt! Only catholicism could overlook every deadly sin known to mankind and then prop masturbation up as numero uno! Thou shalt not shine thy knob.....
Another aspect of guilt that troubles me lately is, ironically linked to my attempts to NOT use swearwords. In expressing extreme annoyance i forgo FFS in favour of for God's sakes!
This is all well and good except for when i'm in the presence of religeous folk! Such as the lovely old guy at work who worships God and Jesus with every ounce of hs being and who now has to hear me blaspheming 17 times a day!
I can guarantee that every time i'm for Gods saking, our resident holy man is wthin earshot! i end up apologsing and, i can only hope, convincing him that i too like God and am, in my own strange way, keeping his name alive and active! I'm not sure he is buying this?
As a probable consequence he speaks about jesus at every possible juncture, feelng perhaps that i need it. He's quite skilled, he can shoe horn JC into any conversation seamlessly. I now speak of increasingly random topics to see how creatve the' jesus s my savour' gets.
BP's Got Talent
Despite our normal gift for self publication, bp is rarely on our tv
screens in an advertising sense....obviously we were on tv 24/7 for a
significant part of 2010, but not quite in the sense I hoped.....badly
blackened sea birdy's don't sell screenwash and the like.......We don't
seem to do tv advertising and I think that's a shame, what we need is
our own Howard...not Mr Nunn, we have him, I mean Halifax Howard, the
all singing all dancing former bank clerk. We have many gifted folk
within our organisation crying out to expose themselves.....so to
speak......take for example,
Guyscliffe's own young Liam who is a dance fanatic, seldom a day goes by when he's not waiting for me, jigging excitedly round the office with his latest dance move. I honestly don't know the difference between his gyrations but he seems spirited enough.......
Then there's another (former) dsm of mine, Helen at Ashchurch who fancies herself as a bit of a diva, there are many a huddle sung at Ashchurch, believe me. Her dedicated warblings would be perfect for prime time tv sandwiched in the middle of Corrie. But everyone'd be off making a cuppa? I hear you protest.......exactly!
The opportunities are endless, Sarah from Ashchurch tap dances in her spare time, Charlie at Raunds has entered each and every X Factor (rejected, not pre-watershed friendly, I think he sings songs with sexual swearwords in them), Calam from Fourways sung at the Christmas party! ….I was opposite him and can vouch for his …..loudness. Actual tunefulness we could work on later.
Barry from Rugby Rd heard about my mission and immediately rang me up to offer his services, “I've been line dancin for years!” he proclaimed, “watch this” ...I protested that we were on the phone and I couldn't actually see his efforts, but to no avail, and it was 10 minutes of distant clumping before he came back on the line, puffing and panting, “hows that” he queried?
And then theres Malpas's own Welsh male voice choir stalwart Paul, who boasts that, while Tom Jones had women throwing their underwear at him for years, he (Pauly) had them throwing overcoats......
Now, obviously all this talent would need harnessing in a 'showbusiness style' and will take careful direction, who better to handle an extravaganza of petroleum related song and dance, than Solihull's own queen of the musical, Sam?
I discussed this with Sammy, “ at last!, you don't know how long I've waited for this mate” she cried. “How Camp can I go?” …..obviously I translated this from Wednesbury for the uninitiated, what she actually said contained a lot of yowams and a whole load of we'ums......
She immediately proposed a kids from fame style singalonga (dance) rampage across the forecourt, using car bonnets and the like, I'm not sure Hsse would go for that but I would run the script past Nigel Collison for approval. They'd probably want something a little more sedate.....Safety Alert 73 Liam falls from a Ford Fiesta whilst enacting a 'petroleum related' cha cha cha .....
I also know for a fact that, Ann from Bedworth has long been a frustrated performer, although I'm not sure we could fit a ventriloquist in the advert....... I asked, “where's your dummy?” she replied, “take yer pick” …..
Obviously the Halifax doctor well known tunes and ditties to advertise their products and we would have to do the same. Luckily Mike O'Shea writes ad jingles as a hobby in his spare time (Mr's O'S strictly regulates post work activities ) and, in fact, has a nectar jingle all prepared to the tune of, A whole lotta Rosie. I'm sure Ac/Dc wont mind.....
Now you really wouldn't expect me to do one of these and forget the immortal Brendan... Brendan and Mr's Brendan just happen to be, All Tamworth Ballroom Champions (over 40's section) for 4 years running. It would have been 5 but for Brendan arriving at the last one late in his bespangled bp trousers, not bespangled enough sadly and he was disqualified much to Mr's Brendan's chagrin.... he's still sleeping in the shed to this day.....he'd spent his whole shift as well gluing the sequins on as well.
Guyscliffe's own young Liam who is a dance fanatic, seldom a day goes by when he's not waiting for me, jigging excitedly round the office with his latest dance move. I honestly don't know the difference between his gyrations but he seems spirited enough.......
Then there's another (former) dsm of mine, Helen at Ashchurch who fancies herself as a bit of a diva, there are many a huddle sung at Ashchurch, believe me. Her dedicated warblings would be perfect for prime time tv sandwiched in the middle of Corrie. But everyone'd be off making a cuppa? I hear you protest.......exactly!
The opportunities are endless, Sarah from Ashchurch tap dances in her spare time, Charlie at Raunds has entered each and every X Factor (rejected, not pre-watershed friendly, I think he sings songs with sexual swearwords in them), Calam from Fourways sung at the Christmas party! ….I was opposite him and can vouch for his …..loudness. Actual tunefulness we could work on later.
Barry from Rugby Rd heard about my mission and immediately rang me up to offer his services, “I've been line dancin for years!” he proclaimed, “watch this” ...I protested that we were on the phone and I couldn't actually see his efforts, but to no avail, and it was 10 minutes of distant clumping before he came back on the line, puffing and panting, “hows that” he queried?
And then theres Malpas's own Welsh male voice choir stalwart Paul, who boasts that, while Tom Jones had women throwing their underwear at him for years, he (Pauly) had them throwing overcoats......
Now, obviously all this talent would need harnessing in a 'showbusiness style' and will take careful direction, who better to handle an extravaganza of petroleum related song and dance, than Solihull's own queen of the musical, Sam?
I discussed this with Sammy, “ at last!, you don't know how long I've waited for this mate” she cried. “How Camp can I go?” …..obviously I translated this from Wednesbury for the uninitiated, what she actually said contained a lot of yowams and a whole load of we'ums......
She immediately proposed a kids from fame style singalonga (dance) rampage across the forecourt, using car bonnets and the like, I'm not sure Hsse would go for that but I would run the script past Nigel Collison for approval. They'd probably want something a little more sedate.....Safety Alert 73 Liam falls from a Ford Fiesta whilst enacting a 'petroleum related' cha cha cha .....
I also know for a fact that, Ann from Bedworth has long been a frustrated performer, although I'm not sure we could fit a ventriloquist in the advert....... I asked, “where's your dummy?” she replied, “take yer pick” …..
Obviously the Halifax doctor well known tunes and ditties to advertise their products and we would have to do the same. Luckily Mike O'Shea writes ad jingles as a hobby in his spare time (Mr's O'S strictly regulates post work activities ) and, in fact, has a nectar jingle all prepared to the tune of, A whole lotta Rosie. I'm sure Ac/Dc wont mind.....
Now you really wouldn't expect me to do one of these and forget the immortal Brendan... Brendan and Mr's Brendan just happen to be, All Tamworth Ballroom Champions (over 40's section) for 4 years running. It would have been 5 but for Brendan arriving at the last one late in his bespangled bp trousers, not bespangled enough sadly and he was disqualified much to Mr's Brendan's chagrin.... he's still sleeping in the shed to this day.....he'd spent his whole shift as well gluing the sequins on as well.
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