Charlie Of Raunds

The sheer quantity of pregnancies in Nadines patch over the last couple of years led me to believe it was more than mere coincidence. Csas's, duties, deputies, managers and even the Tm herself have succumbed to this wave of fertility. With this in mind I did some digging to see if I could establish a common link and it turns out I can!

The common link in all cases is, Charlie of Raunds!

I believe Charlie of Raunds to be some kind of latent fertility idol, everywhere he went over the last few years he left a trail of expectant mothers and indeed fathers. Fear not propriety fans you don't have to rub him for it to take effect nor am I suggesting Charlie performs ancient fertility rites, no dancing round the forecourt of Raunds naked or anything, least not so I've heard and I'm sure Sam would have complained.

With this in mind young Charlie is going to have to be careful around ladies who, shall we say, have left their child rearing days behind them, I cannot imagine the violence that would ensue should they find themselves pregnant having sat next to him at a territory meeting! I myself am taking great precaution after exposure to Charlie but have to say that 'great precaution' has a tendency to cut the circulation to certain important areas and my fear of something important falling off is greater than my fear of Fertile Charlie.

Anyway, Young Liam here at Guyscliffe is a beneficiary of Charlies latent fertilitynessness and is an expectant father. Now he's a young lad and needs guidance, not with the birds and the bees obviously he got that part but I am of course a veteran of the pregnancy battle field and would be more than happy to pass on the great knowledge and insight I have attained.

Most of it intuitive admittedly, I flicked through a pregnancy 'manual' one time and horrified at the graphic nature never went back! I preferred instead to interpret the changes and happenings as they ummm changed and happened!

(I did do the classes (natal aunties or something) but felt that, if she were allowed an evening hobby, couldn't I maybe take golf lessons instead?)

Thankfully, body wise, all of these changes are in the female, not for expectant dads the swollen ankles and irritated nipples. (I know not what irritates the nipples maybe its the sight of one another?) That aside the role of innocent bystander cannot be under played, its hell out there. When your the only buffer for a woman who spends months feeling like a beached whale, its a thankless task let me tell you and your personal safety is not improved by asking her at bedtime why she's brought a beach ball.....

The beached whale thing is a source of great emotional fragility to a woman unused to it. Take Emily for example, normally a dainty delicate soul (some still terrified csas on Nadine's patch would faint at Emily being described as delicate) she has had to suffer her 'extra luggage' during peak summer season, however being a hardy soul she still manage the Isle of Wight festival, (Rumours that small children used her belly as shelter are believed to be untrue, further rumours that she break danced to JayZ are also unconfirmed), whereas your average bloke would be laid up from conception onwards! Bedridden and demanding, “ I cant go the pub with me mates like this, my ankles are all swollen and my nipples are well irritated!”.....also no doubt severely cursing young Charlie......

Obviously each pregnancy is different (I guess) but even my random experiences might prove helpful to anyone who cared to ask, such as the nursing bra incident. My daughter being 3 weeks early my other half was unprepared and, despite her better judgement and, probably still under the effects of gas, instructed yours truly to obtain a nursing bra! I think at the time I managed a neutral expression that didn't betray my lack of comprehension. The frazzled neurons of my brain heard bra and nurse in the same sentence and I, (somewhat feverishly), imagined we were going to play dressing up when we got home! A thought prompted probably by the distant memory of sex at this stage......O.k so it wasn't that distant but measure distant as someone who thinks about it every 37 seconds i.e. male..... and this wasn't what she meant at all....

I was vaguely aware that Argos were unlikely to do them and eventually realised that Mothercare might in fact be the place to obtain said nursing bra. I was horrified when it was explained to me...somewhat crankily I might add.....that this item was needed for leakage! Needless to say I managed to purchase a couple of them, with the help of a bemused Mothercare assistant......

“I need a bra....not for me, I mean a bra for someone else.....ummm its got a special name?....has to be leak proof if that's any help?...yes yes that's it a nurses bra ...I need a nurses bra!........size? ...ummm about this big.....” I didn't dare to glance at the assistant at this stage for the sake of comparison, thankfully realising how imprudent it would be to say something like, “a little smaller than yours”....