In an effort to sell more of the England crap....I mean merchandise....
I decided what we needed was a mannequin, as they have in clothing
stores to properly present the items for sale. Being able to see how
they'd look worn is a useful sales tool. Sadly our budget does not run
to the cost of a mannequin and therefore, still keen to fully show off
the England cr.....stuff, we must improvise!
We did consider misappropriating one from Top shop by sending Liam to
walk out with one hand in hand (as if they were a couple), but Barry
from Rugby rd told me that this doesn't work and only leads to arrest
and a difficult conversation with Mrs Barry from Rugby rd, and so, plan
B it was then....
It wasn't easy persuading Satheesh to spend hours each day as a
mannequin but, for the good of the store, he was
persuaded.....counselling: reasonable managerial request, spend a day as
a mannequin , Fagoon agreed readily to this..….... Anyway we decked him
out from head to toe in the gear with hats and flags tied everywhere and
face paints plastered on the remaining visible flesh. In order to give
our 'mannequin' a bit of a shine and aid with keeping him motionless, we
also glazed him with apricot glaze from the cafe. This worked a treat
apart from a few encounters with wasps whereby Satheesh deserted his
podium.....upturned MandS crate.....and shocked the hell out of the
queue as a mini sized mannequin galloped past them persued by a troup of
wasps with the scent of apricot in their nostrils....yes,wasps have
nostrils.......
All in All though he made a highly effective, albeit diminutive,
mannequin and many people stopped to view the merchandise he sported
often commenting on the lovely smell of apricot.
I feel moved to suggest my idea to Howard but appreciate some might have
concern with staff being press ganged into costume as it were, but,
again, I checked with Fagoon whether we were in effect bullying them to
which she responded, “ bullying? I'll give them bullying the little *^&%
£$.”....... I'd naturally suggest the permanent till one guy as ideal
for the task, with him being pretty much immovable anyway, and he'd need
less glazing....you know you've all got someone in mind.
Good Old Times
Young Liam from Guyscliffe in his short career so far, has become quite
a favourite with the regular (old) ladies. His boyish looks and ability
for looking interested at all times has rendered him the chief object of
their need to unload......so to speak.... and so, he is often to be
found trapped at the till point by some old dear regaling him with her
recent life history.
His aforementioned knack for displaying an interested face leaves the old ladies blissfully unaware that he has, in fact, fallen asleep eyes open and standing to attention......not THAT kind of standing to attention, he likes old ladies but not THAT much......at least this is what I'm convinced is happening. No one can stand so attentively to attention(!) listening to what 'our Gladys said to our Mabel last Thursday week at Primark' without losing the will to live surely?
The beauty of all this is that I can sidle.....again with the sidling...off to a quiet spot at the merest suggestion of old folk knowing that I'm not even on their radar now, which is set strictly to Liam, and while he listens to this weeks adventures in bingoing and the like, I can laugh at his predicament via cctv. Its brilliant, I should have hired a decoy years ago.
Of course I'm still highly careful on the shop floor because Liam isn't always around and when they cant get the fresh faced boy wonder, they'll invariably head for me!
For example we have 2 (not 1 but 2!) 'jokers' who come in the store every morning, both lovely people don't get me wrong but, if you think you've at some point in your life seen the worlds worst comedian(s) think again until you've met ours! As I said there is 2 of them, I think they rota the store in shifts because you can guarantee that when your working delivery, you will be accosted by one or the other with today's 'joke' for want of a better description.
The old guy has a love for our young Indian lads (platonic purely platonic) he loves to corner them by the chillers, putting his arm around them and clutching them to his chest, he 'batters' them with his jokes. I've asked the lads after ward on a few occasions what he said to them and they do not have a clue! He leaves the store laughing like a drain and the Satheeshs and Charis are left standing there with bemused expressions on their faces.
They put up with all this unwarranted physical contact without complaint and I admire their professionalism. I'm not sure I could stand being assaulted daily by an old man's arm pit while being regaled with bad jokes I cant even understand. I wouldn't mind but the jokes always call for a response, the lads laugh nervously and the old guy takes this as confirmation that he is indeed hilarious guffawing his way to the door basking in the glow of his M&S audience.
And then there is the old lady, the old lady who's convinced she knows me personally. She wanders in of a morning cracking jokes at whoever's within earshot and then launches into a conversation with me at the mid way point, as if we'd not finished our chat from earlier! I honestly don't understand a word she says.....she IS English and IS (apparently) speaking English but she and I have a communication barrier unsurpassed, she blathers away ending with an earthy cackle and I nod and laugh along as if I've understood every word and found her hilarious.
To be fair she seems happy enough with this I only pray she never tells me her dog has died or something. Although hopefully she wouldn't have a big goofy grin on her face in that instance. Now if we could only get her to remember her teeth before she leaves the house........
His aforementioned knack for displaying an interested face leaves the old ladies blissfully unaware that he has, in fact, fallen asleep eyes open and standing to attention......not THAT kind of standing to attention, he likes old ladies but not THAT much......at least this is what I'm convinced is happening. No one can stand so attentively to attention(!) listening to what 'our Gladys said to our Mabel last Thursday week at Primark' without losing the will to live surely?
The beauty of all this is that I can sidle.....again with the sidling...off to a quiet spot at the merest suggestion of old folk knowing that I'm not even on their radar now, which is set strictly to Liam, and while he listens to this weeks adventures in bingoing and the like, I can laugh at his predicament via cctv. Its brilliant, I should have hired a decoy years ago.
Of course I'm still highly careful on the shop floor because Liam isn't always around and when they cant get the fresh faced boy wonder, they'll invariably head for me!
For example we have 2 (not 1 but 2!) 'jokers' who come in the store every morning, both lovely people don't get me wrong but, if you think you've at some point in your life seen the worlds worst comedian(s) think again until you've met ours! As I said there is 2 of them, I think they rota the store in shifts because you can guarantee that when your working delivery, you will be accosted by one or the other with today's 'joke' for want of a better description.
The old guy has a love for our young Indian lads (platonic purely platonic) he loves to corner them by the chillers, putting his arm around them and clutching them to his chest, he 'batters' them with his jokes. I've asked the lads after ward on a few occasions what he said to them and they do not have a clue! He leaves the store laughing like a drain and the Satheeshs and Charis are left standing there with bemused expressions on their faces.
They put up with all this unwarranted physical contact without complaint and I admire their professionalism. I'm not sure I could stand being assaulted daily by an old man's arm pit while being regaled with bad jokes I cant even understand. I wouldn't mind but the jokes always call for a response, the lads laugh nervously and the old guy takes this as confirmation that he is indeed hilarious guffawing his way to the door basking in the glow of his M&S audience.
And then there is the old lady, the old lady who's convinced she knows me personally. She wanders in of a morning cracking jokes at whoever's within earshot and then launches into a conversation with me at the mid way point, as if we'd not finished our chat from earlier! I honestly don't understand a word she says.....she IS English and IS (apparently) speaking English but she and I have a communication barrier unsurpassed, she blathers away ending with an earthy cackle and I nod and laugh along as if I've understood every word and found her hilarious.
To be fair she seems happy enough with this I only pray she never tells me her dog has died or something. Although hopefully she wouldn't have a big goofy grin on her face in that instance. Now if we could only get her to remember her teeth before she leaves the house........
Psssst .......
Considering all the hoopla recently when M and S changed the name of
Food to go to Food on the Move.....yes people you read right, hoopla,
when M and S change something we get badgered about it for a
month.....it surprised me somewhat that we didn't actually tell the
customers? Or if we did I missed it, far too busy reading e mails about
it and emails about the emails followed by reminders not to forget the
emails etc etc.
Anyway, in my own small way I decided to put this right and at lunch time each day I've been sidling up to people choosing sandwiches and saying, "pssst, have you heard the news?" to which they reply "er what news?" "food to go is now food on the move!" I try to deliver it in as excited a tone as I can manage....
I have to say people were decidedly non plussed by the exciting news. No one has any sense of theatre anymore, if only they knew the creativity, work and man hours that go into these name changes. Committees were formed, meeting upon meeting attended and literature a plenty was printed and sent. "Sod plan b the trees can fend for themselves we must send out acres of bumph"
The customers seemed pretty disturbed by my sidling I must confess, (perhaps the psssting was a step to far?), which I suppose as advertising gambits go isn't a patch on the girl in her underwear gamboling round the woods! I wonder if she knows about food on the move or how she feels about sidling?
Anyway, in my own small way I decided to put this right and at lunch time each day I've been sidling up to people choosing sandwiches and saying, "pssst, have you heard the news?" to which they reply "er what news?" "food to go is now food on the move!" I try to deliver it in as excited a tone as I can manage....
I have to say people were decidedly non plussed by the exciting news. No one has any sense of theatre anymore, if only they knew the creativity, work and man hours that go into these name changes. Committees were formed, meeting upon meeting attended and literature a plenty was printed and sent. "Sod plan b the trees can fend for themselves we must send out acres of bumph"
The customers seemed pretty disturbed by my sidling I must confess, (perhaps the psssting was a step to far?), which I suppose as advertising gambits go isn't a patch on the girl in her underwear gamboling round the woods! I wonder if she knows about food on the move or how she feels about sidling?
Cross My Way
Changing a planogram I laid my stuff out carefully so as to avoid
obstructing our beloved customers, I worked back against an area of the
shop without product and therefore (theoretically) somewhere customers
didn't need to walk, after all there were 3 different routes to take to
get past me.
After the 14th customer had barged their way past me.......one large lady even 'bottomed' me as I was slightly off balanced , literally striking me with one of her ample cheeks, the left I believe, and I almost ended up in the chiller...... the end of my tether was firmly in sight and when an elderly gentleman(!) not only barged past but then tried to come back the same way I snapped!
I grabbed him forcibly by the arm and performed a citizens arrest......obstructing a retailer about his retail duties.......and, placing him in a non-confrontational headlock I was able to bind his hands with cable ties until the police arrived. The police were unaware of the law relating to 'obstructing a retailer about his retail duties' but with a new coalition Government in place and a strong desire to go to lunch, were prepared to take my word for it. Police time is far too precious to waste on things such as facts.
While the first part of this tale did indeed happen and has happened 44 times before (apart maybe from the ladies cheek assault which was a first for me), the remainder was,sadly, in my head alone. I did not accost any elderly gentlemen and the police didn't come when called, these are fantasies I must learn to overcome.......note to self, get better fantasies asap......
After the 14th customer had barged their way past me.......one large lady even 'bottomed' me as I was slightly off balanced , literally striking me with one of her ample cheeks, the left I believe, and I almost ended up in the chiller...... the end of my tether was firmly in sight and when an elderly gentleman(!) not only barged past but then tried to come back the same way I snapped!
I grabbed him forcibly by the arm and performed a citizens arrest......obstructing a retailer about his retail duties.......and, placing him in a non-confrontational headlock I was able to bind his hands with cable ties until the police arrived. The police were unaware of the law relating to 'obstructing a retailer about his retail duties' but with a new coalition Government in place and a strong desire to go to lunch, were prepared to take my word for it. Police time is far too precious to waste on things such as facts.
While the first part of this tale did indeed happen and has happened 44 times before (apart maybe from the ladies cheek assault which was a first for me), the remainder was,sadly, in my head alone. I did not accost any elderly gentlemen and the police didn't come when called, these are fantasies I must learn to overcome.......note to self, get better fantasies asap......
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