Anal Fisting. Its not a subject that gets spoken of very often but we did...on the way to a certain retail conference,mssrs Wheeldon, Ellis and myself.
Don't get me wrong we were not discussing the pros and cons of said sexual activity but, rather the fact that it features strongly in Fifty Shades of Grey. The mommy porn trilogy now available everybloodywhere.
(Incidentally, I wonder if 'mommy porn' will now become a genre at bookstores perhaps even an entire section of the library? Our librarian is a very staid lady, probably perfect fodder for mommy porn actually.....I'm now picturing her being spanked, oh sweet Jesus)
Anyway it was young Liam who proffered the information, he hasn't read the book but was reliably informed by someone who has. We, it has to be said, were somewhat abashed by the conversational bombshell and a little mind boggled that soooo many women have subscribed to it....the book that is, I have no inside data on the anal fisting figures.
Of course as mature sensible adults we got great mileage out of this titbit of info and discussed it at length. We determined that, clearly we are not the only perverts around here! Umm, by that I mean the male of the species and not Liam, Barry or I.
It does now tend to colour ones view of woman kind, you see them now and wonder what's going through their mind, are they mentally stripping naked before tying me to the bedstead, probably not its fair to say but you see our thought process.
On another note I'm actually looking at my own fist here and now and its bloody sizable, I can see no occasion at all when it should be inserted into something as small and delicate as...welll, as an arse quite frankly.
And, as they bored us stupid at the conference I thought of it a lot. I don't think any of the women I've known would be partakers of the activity no matter how many of the book series they'd read. Not that I would be offering...oh God I wish I hadn't gone down this strand.......
As yer man up on stage went about his topic.....I remember a conundrum of when to switch from pastels to shades!.... I was thinking about anal fisting. When they delivered us their own sandwiches as lunch, I was definitely thinking of anal fisting and, when they then herded us out of the main room into a glorified mini conferenece of our own, well you KNOW what I was thinking.
new bowl for a well trained cat
Dragged into pet smart again....not kicking and screaming just sulking mildly..... I came across the most awful product in the world ever!
They had a cat loo! No not a cat litter tray but an actual toilet shaped cat litter that, in theory, introduces a cat to the toilet before weaning them onto our actual real toilet!
I kid you not, pet smart (or world or whatever the stupid place is called) are actually trying to promote cats on the toilet!
This bemuses me greatly I mean, how many poor cats have fallen in after attempting their first number two? And don't their claws get stuck on the andrex using up an entire roll to wipe very small arses? The mind boggles, I mean, what do they read on the toilet?
Bloody Pet Smart. Our one doesn't even have any animals or fish, whcih would at least make it interesting. They pipe bird noises through the speakers! Your perusing the cat treats feeling like you've stumbled I the Amazon....jungle not online retailer.
I hate the place with a passion. Its souless and clinical, staffed invariably by lifeless automatons whom they forgot to program with smiles, or indeed manners.
Mind you, I don't suppose I'd be happy cheery bundle of joy I am(what?) if I'd had to listen to birds warblin and squawking day in day out. In fact I can safely say I wouldn't!
For all those people who bought the stupid contraption I sincerely hope the cat leaves a floater.
They had a cat loo! No not a cat litter tray but an actual toilet shaped cat litter that, in theory, introduces a cat to the toilet before weaning them onto our actual real toilet!
I kid you not, pet smart (or world or whatever the stupid place is called) are actually trying to promote cats on the toilet!
This bemuses me greatly I mean, how many poor cats have fallen in after attempting their first number two? And don't their claws get stuck on the andrex using up an entire roll to wipe very small arses? The mind boggles, I mean, what do they read on the toilet?
Bloody Pet Smart. Our one doesn't even have any animals or fish, whcih would at least make it interesting. They pipe bird noises through the speakers! Your perusing the cat treats feeling like you've stumbled I the Amazon....jungle not online retailer.
I hate the place with a passion. Its souless and clinical, staffed invariably by lifeless automatons whom they forgot to program with smiles, or indeed manners.
Mind you, I don't suppose I'd be happy cheery bundle of joy I am(what?) if I'd had to listen to birds warblin and squawking day in day out. In fact I can safely say I wouldn't!
For all those people who bought the stupid contraption I sincerely hope the cat leaves a floater.
last of the holy men
My promise at 6 or 7 years old to my Grandad, that I would definitely be a priest when I grew up, is obviously one of many I've broken... mostly to women it has to be said and none of it priest related.....the chances of me making it too priest hood were slim even back then.
You see, despite being brought up in a hugely Catholic country, I had a somewhat lazy attitude to church attendance, something my dear ol' Ma didn't enforce either, she herself having a rather distant relationship with religion. The pub didn't have an altar and priests were boring company.
Don't get me wrong she was mad keen on the pageantry and tradition and had me do the communions and the confirmations and what have you, but the day to day nitty gritty of pious obedience was beyond her remit. I had freetime while everyone elses parents made them go to church. This presented somewhat of a problem for the local priest who feared for my mortal soul. He would diligently try to cajole my Ma' into raising a good catholic boy and would take great umbrage when she told him where to go.... often quite literally!
Now, when it came to confirmation at around 10 years old, it was just my luck that this same priest took us for the weeks of nonsense leading upto the day, he'd teach us how to prepare for good catholicism and take us to church for confirmation practice and so on. He had a distinct problem with yours truly! Partly because of my ma and partly because I played him up something rotten!
One of the deeds of preparation for confirmation was an increase in confession. We seemed to be prostrate in the confession box very 5 minutes! Always ready to palm the confessional priest....and we never knew who they were of course .... off, with corny sins such as lying to the teacher etc etc, I'd instead get quizzed about ..bad thoughts...did I have them?...Fast approaching puberty and being a cocky 10year old I wasn't about to admit to not having a clue what he was talking about, I instead replied in the affirmative and wondered the nature of these bad thoughts.
Suffice to say when I'd been issued with my 10 hail mary's and a diatribe on the deadly sin of self abuse I was still none the wiser nor indeed chastened. If there were bad thoughts to be had that upset priests this greatly, then i was up for that!
Outside the confession box you would be expected to take a pew and sit there saying your 25 hail marys and 14 our fathers, me, I'd get bored after 4 and sidle off when no one was looking, a sin in itself I was told, you see? I couldn't win no matter what.....
I wonder now though, if there was something in my bearing that suggested to them that I was a dead cert for rampant wanking? They were seemingly obsessed with keeping me and my peers away from the perils of masturbation. We were certainly getting curious and girls now had interesting shapes for us to consider, but any thoughts in this direction seemed like good ones to me. The very thought of them being impure and sinful seemed absurd. As did the term 'self abuse', did they think I was going to shout at myself, call myself names and abuse myself in general? Maybe a session in front of the mirror pointing and shouting MASTURBATOR!
In later years when all became clear, I did wonder about the priesthood...not about joining!,good God no!......I wondered if young priests were given a rule book, obviously banning sex of any description and all thoughts of women, but I wondered if it included, RULE 37 ..you must not self abuse.....seriously confusing the innocent young priests? Perhaps a sign in the dormitory,
LIGHTS OUT AT 9.30 AND ABSOLUTELY NO MASTURBATING UNDER THE COVERS.
I'd almost like to return to the confession box and query the notion, “father, what is so wrong with masturbation anyway?”
You see, despite being brought up in a hugely Catholic country, I had a somewhat lazy attitude to church attendance, something my dear ol' Ma didn't enforce either, she herself having a rather distant relationship with religion. The pub didn't have an altar and priests were boring company.
Don't get me wrong she was mad keen on the pageantry and tradition and had me do the communions and the confirmations and what have you, but the day to day nitty gritty of pious obedience was beyond her remit. I had freetime while everyone elses parents made them go to church. This presented somewhat of a problem for the local priest who feared for my mortal soul. He would diligently try to cajole my Ma' into raising a good catholic boy and would take great umbrage when she told him where to go.... often quite literally!
Now, when it came to confirmation at around 10 years old, it was just my luck that this same priest took us for the weeks of nonsense leading upto the day, he'd teach us how to prepare for good catholicism and take us to church for confirmation practice and so on. He had a distinct problem with yours truly! Partly because of my ma and partly because I played him up something rotten!
One of the deeds of preparation for confirmation was an increase in confession. We seemed to be prostrate in the confession box very 5 minutes! Always ready to palm the confessional priest....and we never knew who they were of course .... off, with corny sins such as lying to the teacher etc etc, I'd instead get quizzed about ..bad thoughts...did I have them?...Fast approaching puberty and being a cocky 10year old I wasn't about to admit to not having a clue what he was talking about, I instead replied in the affirmative and wondered the nature of these bad thoughts.
Suffice to say when I'd been issued with my 10 hail mary's and a diatribe on the deadly sin of self abuse I was still none the wiser nor indeed chastened. If there were bad thoughts to be had that upset priests this greatly, then i was up for that!
Outside the confession box you would be expected to take a pew and sit there saying your 25 hail marys and 14 our fathers, me, I'd get bored after 4 and sidle off when no one was looking, a sin in itself I was told, you see? I couldn't win no matter what.....
I wonder now though, if there was something in my bearing that suggested to them that I was a dead cert for rampant wanking? They were seemingly obsessed with keeping me and my peers away from the perils of masturbation. We were certainly getting curious and girls now had interesting shapes for us to consider, but any thoughts in this direction seemed like good ones to me. The very thought of them being impure and sinful seemed absurd. As did the term 'self abuse', did they think I was going to shout at myself, call myself names and abuse myself in general? Maybe a session in front of the mirror pointing and shouting MASTURBATOR!
In later years when all became clear, I did wonder about the priesthood...not about joining!,good God no!......I wondered if young priests were given a rule book, obviously banning sex of any description and all thoughts of women, but I wondered if it included, RULE 37 ..you must not self abuse.....seriously confusing the innocent young priests? Perhaps a sign in the dormitory,
LIGHTS OUT AT 9.30 AND ABSOLUTELY NO MASTURBATING UNDER THE COVERS.
I'd almost like to return to the confession box and query the notion, “father, what is so wrong with masturbation anyway?”
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