Not having attended the meeting I was unaware of the new requirement
that we hazard tape a small square on our desks, for the purpose of cash
counting.
Thankfully Nadine has now shown me the new process and we are once again
compliant with company wishes,....sort of.....
We must now, using red and white hazard tape, create a square on our
desk which will be covered by camera and within which all cash counting
must be done.....I kid you now.....
I was confused as to the new cash counting square, is it cash only or
does the person counting have to be within the square as well? If, for
example, the camera is focused on the 'square' then its possible that
only the counters hands will appear in shot. Now unless they have
distinctive hands, such as a digit missing or a micheal jackson style
skin complaint, then we will still be none the wiser, should the hands
steal money.
With this in mind I took the decision that all counting must now be done
within the 'hazard square'
Unfortunately this in itself presents a safety hazard. A counter
personage will need to climb onto the counter(!) and position themselves
inside the 'hazard square' to commence counting, now we can pretty
safely ascend to the desk using only the elephants foot, but what about
people such as young Liam who gets vertigo stepping up a curb? The
possibility is we will arrive at work and find him frozen to the
elephants foot clinging on for dear life, unable to step up or down. The
night guy will be subsequently traumatised by the haunting noises
emitting from the office as Liam howls for help, and all hell will have
broken loose.
With this safety consideration in mind I have now installed a safety
harness pully system above the 'hazard square' and Liam is quite
comfortable being hoisted into cash counting position, we've also fitted
a safety rail along the desk edge so he feels comfortable once up there.
Bonus being the handyman did all the work so the cost was minimal.
We encountered one further problem with the, 'safe open door closed'
rule, it isn't always possible to have 2 management on the same shift
and so who would do the necessary hoisting at cash count time? With an
extended pully system, fed through a newly created office door
letterbox, we will be able to enlist a csa to hoist Liam aboard the
desk, he can then keep the door locked and issue instructions from
within, “higher, no lower, aaarrgggh I'm at the ceiling...lower
lower....”
All in all I feel we are now ready to count cash in the safe and secure
manner intended, with no more theft and all thanks to some hazard tape,
abseiling gear and managerial ingenuity, isn't bp great?
Literate Illiterates
The thick fog lay over the m40 like a blanket, visibility was down to
less than 5 feet. Cars overtaking would quickly vanish into the distance
and my rear view mirror revealed nothing but the occasional ghostly
shape looming from the wall of grey....... and then I started to see the
digital display signs, their lights flashing a dance of warning on the
central reservation....I couldn't make out what it said due to the lack
of visibility and had to wait until I was near upon it before I could
finally read the word, …... FOG.....it said, in bright luminescence.
How very helpful I thought, thankfully I can read, but imagine how many illiterate drivers became confused?
How very helpful I thought, thankfully I can read, but imagine how many illiterate drivers became confused?
The Pokey Badge
With the addition of the new (huge!) Euromillion badge to the on chest
array, we had to take great care when applying it to young Satheesh here
at Guyscliffe.
Now young Satheesh is a fellow of the smaller persuasion so the extra precautions were very necessary and great care had to be taken. Sadly, the initial location of the badge proved difficult, he was inadvertently stabbed several times as we tried to find free chest space and although fine now, there was a fear for a while that he may lose a nipple.
Once we had the badge finally in place we then had the problem of him maintaining his balance under the excess weight, and had to bolster him from behind while he adjusted. He cracked it soon enough and despite the odd topple forward he's now able to get about the store fairly well, albeit lurching rather a bit. He cant of course carry anything, so stocking up is out of the question but at least he can take breaks of convenience....hopefully without falling in.....and is relatively fine propped up at till one.
We have of course done a safety huddle sign off with him, insisting that he stay away from any magnetic sources.......
Now young Satheesh is a fellow of the smaller persuasion so the extra precautions were very necessary and great care had to be taken. Sadly, the initial location of the badge proved difficult, he was inadvertently stabbed several times as we tried to find free chest space and although fine now, there was a fear for a while that he may lose a nipple.
Once we had the badge finally in place we then had the problem of him maintaining his balance under the excess weight, and had to bolster him from behind while he adjusted. He cracked it soon enough and despite the odd topple forward he's now able to get about the store fairly well, albeit lurching rather a bit. He cant of course carry anything, so stocking up is out of the question but at least he can take breaks of convenience....hopefully without falling in.....and is relatively fine propped up at till one.
We have of course done a safety huddle sign off with him, insisting that he stay away from any magnetic sources.......
The AL Factor
The X Factor is back! Yes, Britain's glorified karaoke competion begins again with the only weeks worth watching, the freaks n geeks who's friends are clearly deaf! How can they claim friendship and then allow their 'friend' to make complete twats of themselves on national television?
The Micheal Jackson fanatics are my personal favorite, professing their undying devotion before going on to butcher one of his classics! Its the guilty pleasure of laughing at these poor sad saps that troubles me though, it's car crash television, you know your going to watch something horrific and its deeply wrong but you still sit there happily glued to the sofa with the 11 million other ghouls.(not the same sofa obviously)
Like a modern day reenactment of Victorian freak shows, the x factor wheels out freak after freak, "and now for your visual and auditory entertainment the elephant man will sing beat it by micheal Jackson"
I've also never seen one that doesn't do the dance, have one spangly glove and the trousers too short for their legs! Where the hell they get all this crap is beyond me, apart from Saturdays guy who apparently made his whole 'costume' himself! I think that's one of the most scary things i've ever typed....how long do you think it would take for a madman to knock up a Micheal ensemble in his bedsit above the chippy? The jacket alone must take weeks.
Watching the guy on Saturday I kept remembering the scene from silence of the lambs where the mad fella makes himself a suit out of peoples skin, granted he didn't then go and bust a moonwalk while warbling human nature but the visual seemed eerily apt...at least to me!.Unfortunately this also led to remembering the scene when he tucked his willy between his legs....uuughhh! The mad fella that is not the jacko, I don't think jacko even had a willy..
On the subject of mad Jacko fans I have a friend, name of Al, who is a rabid long term jacko fan and while, clearly not mad, he does possess a dazzling array of ocd's! I've a strong suspicion that we, his true friends, could maybe talk him into next years auditions? I for one would pay to see it!
He is most certainly capable of producing his own costume, he isn't into dressmaking don't get me wrong, but what the lad can do with a few rolls of sticky tape and a permanent marker is legend!
Another factor in my suspicion that he could join the ranks of impersonators is, he can do the dance to a tee! I've seen the lad moonwalk and he might be short, the ankle swinger pants would be a problem, but he sure can move!
I'm not sure if he can sing but as previously pointed out, that's very much not a prerequisite, either way we'd be on a winner, if he howls like 2 cats fighting in a bag? Comedy gold, if alternately he can hold a tune we go all out to make him a contender!
Al in the final would garner votes the world over! I reckon we could even get him sponsored by Pepsi Zambia, In a strange tribute to the infamous hair aflame commercial that never was!
The Micheal Jackson fanatics are my personal favorite, professing their undying devotion before going on to butcher one of his classics! Its the guilty pleasure of laughing at these poor sad saps that troubles me though, it's car crash television, you know your going to watch something horrific and its deeply wrong but you still sit there happily glued to the sofa with the 11 million other ghouls.(not the same sofa obviously)
Like a modern day reenactment of Victorian freak shows, the x factor wheels out freak after freak, "and now for your visual and auditory entertainment the elephant man will sing beat it by micheal Jackson"
I've also never seen one that doesn't do the dance, have one spangly glove and the trousers too short for their legs! Where the hell they get all this crap is beyond me, apart from Saturdays guy who apparently made his whole 'costume' himself! I think that's one of the most scary things i've ever typed....how long do you think it would take for a madman to knock up a Micheal ensemble in his bedsit above the chippy? The jacket alone must take weeks.
Watching the guy on Saturday I kept remembering the scene from silence of the lambs where the mad fella makes himself a suit out of peoples skin, granted he didn't then go and bust a moonwalk while warbling human nature but the visual seemed eerily apt...at least to me!.Unfortunately this also led to remembering the scene when he tucked his willy between his legs....uuughhh! The mad fella that is not the jacko, I don't think jacko even had a willy..
On the subject of mad Jacko fans I have a friend, name of Al, who is a rabid long term jacko fan and while, clearly not mad, he does possess a dazzling array of ocd's! I've a strong suspicion that we, his true friends, could maybe talk him into next years auditions? I for one would pay to see it!
He is most certainly capable of producing his own costume, he isn't into dressmaking don't get me wrong, but what the lad can do with a few rolls of sticky tape and a permanent marker is legend!
Another factor in my suspicion that he could join the ranks of impersonators is, he can do the dance to a tee! I've seen the lad moonwalk and he might be short, the ankle swinger pants would be a problem, but he sure can move!
I'm not sure if he can sing but as previously pointed out, that's very much not a prerequisite, either way we'd be on a winner, if he howls like 2 cats fighting in a bag? Comedy gold, if alternately he can hold a tune we go all out to make him a contender!
Al in the final would garner votes the world over! I reckon we could even get him sponsored by Pepsi Zambia, In a strange tribute to the infamous hair aflame commercial that never was!
The Man. The Pope.
This September the Midlands and surrounding area, (such as Warwick) will
be graced by a visit from his holiness the Pope!
As a good catholic boy by upbringing I am naturally very excited at the prospect of the pontiff popping into Guyscliff for a packet of pork scratchings and my retailers brain has been kicking into gear with ideas,
1. We must have a merchandising stand, like the England stand, replica flags papal hats and rosary beads. Pope on tour t-shirts even, WARWICK SEPT 2010.... Nothing too garish or tatty so we should perhaps discount Flowerfete as a supplier. Not unless we want little plastic wind up Popes on till 3.....I might suggest that one actually.
2. Naturally there will be an awful lot of holy folk in the vicinity, many of them while here may accumulate rather urgent confessional needs. We should provide for these needs by offering to situate a few portable confessional booths here on the forecourt. Naturally these booths will appear somewhat similar to portable toilets so careful signage will be essential, we wouldn't want any unfortunate accidents whereby some unsuspecting priest gets an unwelcome shower.....
3. It is entirely feasible that his holiness will visit one of our stores, I'm unsure of the protocol around whether we should upsell to the Pope, or even if he carries money in his...robe type thing....but wine of the month is particularly cost effective for communion wine I guess we could ask if he needs any? Failing that please revert to the little plastic wind up Popes on till 3
4. Queing for the Popes autograph should be discouraged although I do believe it is customary for catholics to kiss the papal ring....I don't know whether a private room should be assigned for this? ….ohhh ring as in Jewellery.... Phew!.....
5. Bp is a secular company renowned for acceptance of ,and respect for, all religions and beliefs therefore any favoritism shown toward the Pope cannot be tolerated and he must, in effect, be treated as a normal customer. He is probably just as annoying as a normal customer....I feel sure he has a Nectar card already but should he not, then it is our duty to encorage him to set one up, he can take the pack today, pop it in the glovebox of the Pope mobile then jump online when he's back at the Vatican and register at his leisure. Advise him there is probably a Sainsbury local in St Peters square.
6. Do not mention the war. If there are any old folk in attendance on the day likely to mention the war please have them locked in a suitable cupboard for the duration. A non-confrontational headlock is authorised for use during the Papal visit. ( Although his holiness is alleged to have been Hitler youth as a boy he assures the world it was because he liked the uniform).......
7. If there are large crowds and the opportunity presents itself, a few bottles of Volvic water blessed by the holy father would sell like hot cakes afterwards. Email Dwayne to send extra in labelled for holy water purposes.
8. With our own beloved Stonebridge winning a trip to SA for the world cup perhaps Flowerfete could be persuaded to sponsor a foreign trip based on sales of the little plastic wind up Popes?
9. Friday focus upsell item for Sept will, naturally enough, be the little plastic wind up Popes.
As a good catholic boy by upbringing I am naturally very excited at the prospect of the pontiff popping into Guyscliff for a packet of pork scratchings and my retailers brain has been kicking into gear with ideas,
1. We must have a merchandising stand, like the England stand, replica flags papal hats and rosary beads. Pope on tour t-shirts even, WARWICK SEPT 2010.... Nothing too garish or tatty so we should perhaps discount Flowerfete as a supplier. Not unless we want little plastic wind up Popes on till 3.....I might suggest that one actually.
2. Naturally there will be an awful lot of holy folk in the vicinity, many of them while here may accumulate rather urgent confessional needs. We should provide for these needs by offering to situate a few portable confessional booths here on the forecourt. Naturally these booths will appear somewhat similar to portable toilets so careful signage will be essential, we wouldn't want any unfortunate accidents whereby some unsuspecting priest gets an unwelcome shower.....
3. It is entirely feasible that his holiness will visit one of our stores, I'm unsure of the protocol around whether we should upsell to the Pope, or even if he carries money in his...robe type thing....but wine of the month is particularly cost effective for communion wine I guess we could ask if he needs any? Failing that please revert to the little plastic wind up Popes on till 3
4. Queing for the Popes autograph should be discouraged although I do believe it is customary for catholics to kiss the papal ring....I don't know whether a private room should be assigned for this? ….ohhh ring as in Jewellery.... Phew!.....
5. Bp is a secular company renowned for acceptance of ,and respect for, all religions and beliefs therefore any favoritism shown toward the Pope cannot be tolerated and he must, in effect, be treated as a normal customer. He is probably just as annoying as a normal customer....I feel sure he has a Nectar card already but should he not, then it is our duty to encorage him to set one up, he can take the pack today, pop it in the glovebox of the Pope mobile then jump online when he's back at the Vatican and register at his leisure. Advise him there is probably a Sainsbury local in St Peters square.
6. Do not mention the war. If there are any old folk in attendance on the day likely to mention the war please have them locked in a suitable cupboard for the duration. A non-confrontational headlock is authorised for use during the Papal visit. ( Although his holiness is alleged to have been Hitler youth as a boy he assures the world it was because he liked the uniform).......
7. If there are large crowds and the opportunity presents itself, a few bottles of Volvic water blessed by the holy father would sell like hot cakes afterwards. Email Dwayne to send extra in labelled for holy water purposes.
8. With our own beloved Stonebridge winning a trip to SA for the world cup perhaps Flowerfete could be persuaded to sponsor a foreign trip based on sales of the little plastic wind up Popes?
9. Friday focus upsell item for Sept will, naturally enough, be the little plastic wind up Popes.
Active Parrots
With the advent of active selling we finally get away from the
repetition that had become our byword for upselling, “ coffee? Tea?hot
chocolate?doughnuts? Repeat repeat repeat....customers were leaving the
tills looking shell shocked and confused, some of them were leaving the
forecourt having forgotten they'd come by car.
Now we have licence...and official passports.....to upsell according to the customer in front of us. Hurrah....you'd think! Sadly this has confused some of our csa's considerably, they liked repetition they were comfortable with it, like Hari Krishna with a whole new mantra they trotted out their chants, now here we were asking them to decide what to upsale.
We're trying to get them to recognise and act on link purchases, to emphasise this we of course used cigarettes linked to a lighter as an example. Unfortunately the former parrots among our crew have clung to this like a life raft in the sea of upselling, they now ask anyone and everyone if they'd like a lighter with every purchase, seriously confusing non smoking customers. “no no ” I hear young Liam exclaiming in desperate exasperation (he'd be tearing his hair out if he had assurance it would definitely grow back) “you have to link things with other things that make sense, you can't link lighters to toilet tissue, they're not trying to set fire to their *****s...”
The confusion is further compounded on lottery day when they're told to upsell lottery then link in scratchcards ….. “lottery, scratchcards, lighters?” I hear them chant, it cant be long before they've once again begun offering a complete inventory of the shop to each and every poor bemused customer.
On a side note a few of our overseas staff were delighted at the prospect of being issued passports until it was explained they were merely for star collection and wouldn't render them suddenly available for 40 hours..... one lad even tried to leave the country using his, he still thinks he only failed due to not having enough stars....As I said to him “yes Liam I know I said it is a passport but it doesn't even have your photograph in it ….oh I see you've stapled one in....”
Now we have licence...and official passports.....to upsell according to the customer in front of us. Hurrah....you'd think! Sadly this has confused some of our csa's considerably, they liked repetition they were comfortable with it, like Hari Krishna with a whole new mantra they trotted out their chants, now here we were asking them to decide what to upsale.
We're trying to get them to recognise and act on link purchases, to emphasise this we of course used cigarettes linked to a lighter as an example. Unfortunately the former parrots among our crew have clung to this like a life raft in the sea of upselling, they now ask anyone and everyone if they'd like a lighter with every purchase, seriously confusing non smoking customers. “no no ” I hear young Liam exclaiming in desperate exasperation (he'd be tearing his hair out if he had assurance it would definitely grow back) “you have to link things with other things that make sense, you can't link lighters to toilet tissue, they're not trying to set fire to their *****s...”
The confusion is further compounded on lottery day when they're told to upsell lottery then link in scratchcards ….. “lottery, scratchcards, lighters?” I hear them chant, it cant be long before they've once again begun offering a complete inventory of the shop to each and every poor bemused customer.
On a side note a few of our overseas staff were delighted at the prospect of being issued passports until it was explained they were merely for star collection and wouldn't render them suddenly available for 40 hours..... one lad even tried to leave the country using his, he still thinks he only failed due to not having enough stars....As I said to him “yes Liam I know I said it is a passport but it doesn't even have your photograph in it ….oh I see you've stapled one in....”
Charlie Of Raunds
The sheer quantity of pregnancies in Nadines patch over the last couple
of years led me to believe it was more than mere coincidence. Csas's,
duties, deputies, managers and even the Tm herself have succumbed to
this wave of fertility. With this in mind I did some digging to see if I
could establish a common link and it turns out I can!
The common link in all cases is, Charlie of Raunds!
I believe Charlie of Raunds to be some kind of latent fertility idol, everywhere he went over the last few years he left a trail of expectant mothers and indeed fathers. Fear not propriety fans you don't have to rub him for it to take effect nor am I suggesting Charlie performs ancient fertility rites, no dancing round the forecourt of Raunds naked or anything, least not so I've heard and I'm sure Sam would have complained.
With this in mind young Charlie is going to have to be careful around ladies who, shall we say, have left their child rearing days behind them, I cannot imagine the violence that would ensue should they find themselves pregnant having sat next to him at a territory meeting! I myself am taking great precaution after exposure to Charlie but have to say that 'great precaution' has a tendency to cut the circulation to certain important areas and my fear of something important falling off is greater than my fear of Fertile Charlie.
Anyway, Young Liam here at Guyscliffe is a beneficiary of Charlies latent fertilitynessness and is an expectant father. Now he's a young lad and needs guidance, not with the birds and the bees obviously he got that part but I am of course a veteran of the pregnancy battle field and would be more than happy to pass on the great knowledge and insight I have attained.
Most of it intuitive admittedly, I flicked through a pregnancy 'manual' one time and horrified at the graphic nature never went back! I preferred instead to interpret the changes and happenings as they ummm changed and happened!
(I did do the classes (natal aunties or something) but felt that, if she were allowed an evening hobby, couldn't I maybe take golf lessons instead?)
Thankfully, body wise, all of these changes are in the female, not for expectant dads the swollen ankles and irritated nipples. (I know not what irritates the nipples maybe its the sight of one another?) That aside the role of innocent bystander cannot be under played, its hell out there. When your the only buffer for a woman who spends months feeling like a beached whale, its a thankless task let me tell you and your personal safety is not improved by asking her at bedtime why she's brought a beach ball.....
The beached whale thing is a source of great emotional fragility to a woman unused to it. Take Emily for example, normally a dainty delicate soul (some still terrified csas on Nadine's patch would faint at Emily being described as delicate) she has had to suffer her 'extra luggage' during peak summer season, however being a hardy soul she still manage the Isle of Wight festival, (Rumours that small children used her belly as shelter are believed to be untrue, further rumours that she break danced to JayZ are also unconfirmed), whereas your average bloke would be laid up from conception onwards! Bedridden and demanding, “ I cant go the pub with me mates like this, my ankles are all swollen and my nipples are well irritated!”.....also no doubt severely cursing young Charlie......
Obviously each pregnancy is different (I guess) but even my random experiences might prove helpful to anyone who cared to ask, such as the nursing bra incident. My daughter being 3 weeks early my other half was unprepared and, despite her better judgement and, probably still under the effects of gas, instructed yours truly to obtain a nursing bra! I think at the time I managed a neutral expression that didn't betray my lack of comprehension. The frazzled neurons of my brain heard bra and nurse in the same sentence and I, (somewhat feverishly), imagined we were going to play dressing up when we got home! A thought prompted probably by the distant memory of sex at this stage......O.k so it wasn't that distant but measure distant as someone who thinks about it every 37 seconds i.e. male..... and this wasn't what she meant at all....
I was vaguely aware that Argos were unlikely to do them and eventually realised that Mothercare might in fact be the place to obtain said nursing bra. I was horrified when it was explained to me...somewhat crankily I might add.....that this item was needed for leakage! Needless to say I managed to purchase a couple of them, with the help of a bemused Mothercare assistant......
“I need a bra....not for me, I mean a bra for someone else.....ummm its got a special name?....has to be leak proof if that's any help?...yes yes that's it a nurses bra ...I need a nurses bra!........size? ...ummm about this big.....” I didn't dare to glance at the assistant at this stage for the sake of comparison, thankfully realising how imprudent it would be to say something like, “a little smaller than yours”....
The common link in all cases is, Charlie of Raunds!
I believe Charlie of Raunds to be some kind of latent fertility idol, everywhere he went over the last few years he left a trail of expectant mothers and indeed fathers. Fear not propriety fans you don't have to rub him for it to take effect nor am I suggesting Charlie performs ancient fertility rites, no dancing round the forecourt of Raunds naked or anything, least not so I've heard and I'm sure Sam would have complained.
With this in mind young Charlie is going to have to be careful around ladies who, shall we say, have left their child rearing days behind them, I cannot imagine the violence that would ensue should they find themselves pregnant having sat next to him at a territory meeting! I myself am taking great precaution after exposure to Charlie but have to say that 'great precaution' has a tendency to cut the circulation to certain important areas and my fear of something important falling off is greater than my fear of Fertile Charlie.
Anyway, Young Liam here at Guyscliffe is a beneficiary of Charlies latent fertilitynessness and is an expectant father. Now he's a young lad and needs guidance, not with the birds and the bees obviously he got that part but I am of course a veteran of the pregnancy battle field and would be more than happy to pass on the great knowledge and insight I have attained.
Most of it intuitive admittedly, I flicked through a pregnancy 'manual' one time and horrified at the graphic nature never went back! I preferred instead to interpret the changes and happenings as they ummm changed and happened!
(I did do the classes (natal aunties or something) but felt that, if she were allowed an evening hobby, couldn't I maybe take golf lessons instead?)
Thankfully, body wise, all of these changes are in the female, not for expectant dads the swollen ankles and irritated nipples. (I know not what irritates the nipples maybe its the sight of one another?) That aside the role of innocent bystander cannot be under played, its hell out there. When your the only buffer for a woman who spends months feeling like a beached whale, its a thankless task let me tell you and your personal safety is not improved by asking her at bedtime why she's brought a beach ball.....
The beached whale thing is a source of great emotional fragility to a woman unused to it. Take Emily for example, normally a dainty delicate soul (some still terrified csas on Nadine's patch would faint at Emily being described as delicate) she has had to suffer her 'extra luggage' during peak summer season, however being a hardy soul she still manage the Isle of Wight festival, (Rumours that small children used her belly as shelter are believed to be untrue, further rumours that she break danced to JayZ are also unconfirmed), whereas your average bloke would be laid up from conception onwards! Bedridden and demanding, “ I cant go the pub with me mates like this, my ankles are all swollen and my nipples are well irritated!”.....also no doubt severely cursing young Charlie......
Obviously each pregnancy is different (I guess) but even my random experiences might prove helpful to anyone who cared to ask, such as the nursing bra incident. My daughter being 3 weeks early my other half was unprepared and, despite her better judgement and, probably still under the effects of gas, instructed yours truly to obtain a nursing bra! I think at the time I managed a neutral expression that didn't betray my lack of comprehension. The frazzled neurons of my brain heard bra and nurse in the same sentence and I, (somewhat feverishly), imagined we were going to play dressing up when we got home! A thought prompted probably by the distant memory of sex at this stage......O.k so it wasn't that distant but measure distant as someone who thinks about it every 37 seconds i.e. male..... and this wasn't what she meant at all....
I was vaguely aware that Argos were unlikely to do them and eventually realised that Mothercare might in fact be the place to obtain said nursing bra. I was horrified when it was explained to me...somewhat crankily I might add.....that this item was needed for leakage! Needless to say I managed to purchase a couple of them, with the help of a bemused Mothercare assistant......
“I need a bra....not for me, I mean a bra for someone else.....ummm its got a special name?....has to be leak proof if that's any help?...yes yes that's it a nurses bra ...I need a nurses bra!........size? ...ummm about this big.....” I didn't dare to glance at the assistant at this stage for the sake of comparison, thankfully realising how imprudent it would be to say something like, “a little smaller than yours”....
Random? Not BP!
We are living in fear of the M&S mystery customer after failing a
question on both our first two visits. Had the customers asked the
actual questions they were supposed to, we may have had a chance! The
first one fell to me, an elderly lady asking for guacamole, which I
showed her.....NOT according to the form where I'd apparently NOT
explained which ham was in the deli deal!
Liam had the pleasure of the second one when, too his shame, he failed to explain or upsell a promo deal that hadn't started yet! His psychic powers once again letting him down.
Since this we have all been on tenterhooks every time a customer asks for help to the point of getting annoying with our OTT customer service, being as both the first 2 customers were elderly ladies we are targeting geriatric customers, if they look confused all the better .... Liams even offered to do their ironing.......but the thing is, now when a customer interaction where I've been expressly helpful DOESN'T turn out to be the M&S mystery shopper I feel cheated and cheap!
We had 3x 5 litre screenwashes out back so with 2 in one hand one in the other I carried them out to the bunker, at the door I had to side step a gentleman who upon seeing my hand full remarked in a very camp way, “mmmm strong fingers” ! I believe myself to have gone beetroot red at this stage and could think of absolutely nothing to say in response. I only hope he wasn't the m&s mystery customer.
In the weird and wonderful world of bp S&V actions reveals that the corkscrews allocated to M&S stores are in fact classed as, 'potential offensive weapons'. I see this completely and imagine there are many many admissions to A&E daily whereby the patient has had the top of his head screwed off in an act of street brutality. “stand still you ******* I'm gonna unscrew your ********** head”
On opening up my most recent breakfast sausage muffin for purposes of saucing, I discovered instead of the usual 4 halves spread sadly across the muffin I in fact had 5! An extra for which I was not charged and, fearing disciplinary action I promptly discarded the extra half. T'would have been far too sausagey anyway.
I now worry however that some muffin customer somewhere will receive a muffin with half a sausage short and unless they use at least 4 packets of sauce the extra dryness of the muffin will seal their mouths shut for several agonising minutes. At least they wont be in a position to complain....
Imagine the casualty depts surprise if they get an unscrewed head followed by a muffin glued mouth?
Liam had the pleasure of the second one when, too his shame, he failed to explain or upsell a promo deal that hadn't started yet! His psychic powers once again letting him down.
Since this we have all been on tenterhooks every time a customer asks for help to the point of getting annoying with our OTT customer service, being as both the first 2 customers were elderly ladies we are targeting geriatric customers, if they look confused all the better .... Liams even offered to do their ironing.......but the thing is, now when a customer interaction where I've been expressly helpful DOESN'T turn out to be the M&S mystery shopper I feel cheated and cheap!
We had 3x 5 litre screenwashes out back so with 2 in one hand one in the other I carried them out to the bunker, at the door I had to side step a gentleman who upon seeing my hand full remarked in a very camp way, “mmmm strong fingers” ! I believe myself to have gone beetroot red at this stage and could think of absolutely nothing to say in response. I only hope he wasn't the m&s mystery customer.
In the weird and wonderful world of bp S&V actions reveals that the corkscrews allocated to M&S stores are in fact classed as, 'potential offensive weapons'. I see this completely and imagine there are many many admissions to A&E daily whereby the patient has had the top of his head screwed off in an act of street brutality. “stand still you ******* I'm gonna unscrew your ********** head”
On opening up my most recent breakfast sausage muffin for purposes of saucing, I discovered instead of the usual 4 halves spread sadly across the muffin I in fact had 5! An extra for which I was not charged and, fearing disciplinary action I promptly discarded the extra half. T'would have been far too sausagey anyway.
I now worry however that some muffin customer somewhere will receive a muffin with half a sausage short and unless they use at least 4 packets of sauce the extra dryness of the muffin will seal their mouths shut for several agonising minutes. At least they wont be in a position to complain....
Imagine the casualty depts surprise if they get an unscrewed head followed by a muffin glued mouth?
I Dream Again
There are many many people who believe there is hidden meaning in our dreams. A whole industry of books and magazines has built up around this supposed
phenomena. The strangest of your dreams can be explained by dream
experts to mean something completely different than the apparent theme.
Even the falling dream has an explanation although for the life of me i
can't remember what that might be.
Well anyway, after a dream I had, one I actually remembered when awake, I want to buy into all this tosh and have it explained because it sure as hell confused me.
Now this is 100% an actual dream and I can only wonder at its meaning...
Basically I get a job in a big house as an older woman's odd job guy, strange in itself as I have the odd job capabilities of your average mollusc. Now the lady in question is clearly an older woman but an attractive one and a feel of the dream is that this could be one of those dreams ....which, ahem, I have no difficulty understanding at all.... that make perfect sense, but as it transpires, it isn't and certainly doesn't.make any sense that is, what does transpire with an undercurrent of sexual chemistry, is that our lusty heroine asks me to mow the lawn, which of course as odd job man I am happy to do, she takes me to a shed, points out the sit on mower and leaves me to it. 5 minutes later I'm mowing the lawn sat on said mower which is, in fact, a like a small but perfectly formed..... boat! I kid you not, I spend a seeming eternity mowing the lawn in a bloody boat! Like Popeye the odd job man toot toot. So, dream readers, what does that mean then please? Am I perhaps suppressing a deep desire to sail the ocean waves or is that too literal?
Well anyway, after a dream I had, one I actually remembered when awake, I want to buy into all this tosh and have it explained because it sure as hell confused me.
Now this is 100% an actual dream and I can only wonder at its meaning...
Basically I get a job in a big house as an older woman's odd job guy, strange in itself as I have the odd job capabilities of your average mollusc. Now the lady in question is clearly an older woman but an attractive one and a feel of the dream is that this could be one of those dreams ....which, ahem, I have no difficulty understanding at all.... that make perfect sense, but as it transpires, it isn't and certainly doesn't.make any sense that is, what does transpire with an undercurrent of sexual chemistry, is that our lusty heroine asks me to mow the lawn, which of course as odd job man I am happy to do, she takes me to a shed, points out the sit on mower and leaves me to it. 5 minutes later I'm mowing the lawn sat on said mower which is, in fact, a like a small but perfectly formed..... boat! I kid you not, I spend a seeming eternity mowing the lawn in a bloody boat! Like Popeye the odd job man toot toot. So, dream readers, what does that mean then please? Am I perhaps suppressing a deep desire to sail the ocean waves or is that too literal?
The Candidate
With the hole now plugged I, and my fellow territory hsse champions, may
withdraw our offer of a safety huddle.....'spillages safety alert
no33'.... I am still willing however to fly to the gulf coast for bird
sponging duties. I'm good with birds and have my own drum of citra clean
ready, I could get through a fair few seagulls and....ummm... sea
pigeons in no time at all.(Someone might have to point out the ones that
are supposed to be black to prevent unfortunate over scrubbing)
I'm also very friendly with many Americans....in spite of my bp connections, they still talk to me.... and would be able to spread the bp message, "whats wrong little people, whats your problem,? Its a big bloody ocean isn't it?, lets get this nonsense sorted pronto I need a day off to go sailing.....not in this ocean i might add!"
Obviously my services would cost money and, with compensation costs rising daily, I have a second, cheaper,solution. Boy scouts, girl guides, brownies and cubs! Schools out for 6 weeks and they must have had their fill of jumble sales and helping old ladies, how about an American adventure instead?! Seaside camping, wildlife and free oil for their lamps! Brilliant. Convince them there's a badge in it as well and we wouldn't have to fork out a penny.
After all this becomes old news and things settle down I'd imagine bp will be in need of a new leader. A statesman like figure, gifted orator and all round good egg would steady the ship and I have to say I have been preparing my CV. I appreciate store manager to executive director would be a giant leap but why not? I'm a skilled SOC conversationalist and long term bp apologist...."look I'm sorry about your pay rise, the uniform, cost of petrol etc etc"
I'm also very friendly with many Americans....in spite of my bp connections, they still talk to me.... and would be able to spread the bp message, "whats wrong little people, whats your problem,? Its a big bloody ocean isn't it?, lets get this nonsense sorted pronto I need a day off to go sailing.....not in this ocean i might add!"
Obviously my services would cost money and, with compensation costs rising daily, I have a second, cheaper,solution. Boy scouts, girl guides, brownies and cubs! Schools out for 6 weeks and they must have had their fill of jumble sales and helping old ladies, how about an American adventure instead?! Seaside camping, wildlife and free oil for their lamps! Brilliant. Convince them there's a badge in it as well and we wouldn't have to fork out a penny.
After all this becomes old news and things settle down I'd imagine bp will be in need of a new leader. A statesman like figure, gifted orator and all round good egg would steady the ship and I have to say I have been preparing my CV. I appreciate store manager to executive director would be a giant leap but why not? I'm a skilled SOC conversationalist and long term bp apologist...."look I'm sorry about your pay rise, the uniform, cost of petrol etc etc"
Bibbie And Mr's Warsop
Without explanation the planned turn of 2010 change to our new training
supplier didn't happen. I can reveal now that the delay occurred due to
Bibbie and Jake! The powers that be could not decide on names for our
new training characters and so shelved the changeover while urgent
naming committees were initiated and long hours of discussion and debate
ensued.
Anyway, now at last the names have been chosen and we are green for go! Hurrah for Jake n' Bibbie. It is believed 'Jake' took the longest to choose as, obviously, Bibbie is so universal.
As you will see from your postcards, and boy haven't we had a lot? Bibbie and Jake are animated avatar type characters....Those of you not in store have missed out on this treat, virtually every morning we get a wish you were here postcard from Bibbie and Jake, I don't know where here is exactly but they love it! The postcards are a series of scenarios played out by Bibbie and Jake whereby one or the other needs help with the new system.
What worries me about all this is, a) they both seem equally confused, one day Bibbie asks Jake a dopey question the next Jake has (apparently) forgotten everything and consults Bibbie! and b) I fear with some considerable dread that when our people go online to train, Bibbie and Jake will be animated characters there to assist them! These could get a little tiresome and I for one don't want to be explaining to new starters why one is called Bibbie!
If they were going for an animated/avatar kind of thing why didn't they get one of those suits that capture live movement by a real person who then gets 'animated' on screen, they could then have used Mr's Warsop and Mike Read as our new training characters. I'd have dialled in to see that alone!
I fully support the idea of an animated Mr's Warsop guiding us to a training utopia and will be utilising a suggestion box should the new web site have one. Just think, if it worked out we could roll with it and have animated store managers on conference calls! Brendan from Bedworth for example is a very physical communicator and this is lost on a conference call, mike o has to keep checking he is awake, with an animated Brendan this would be unnecessary as he would be able to jabber away complete with his usual array of hand movements! (For those of you who don't know Brendan imagine Buzz Lightyear doing Oragami without any actual paper)
Of course animation doesn't come cheap but computer animation is cheaper AND we could do it ourselves, as with anything computer related we'd just pass it to Calum! I'm willing to bet he already has an animated Dawn with which to navigate the Fourways back office system.
( those of you on other territories or departments will have your very own Calum from Fourways)
Anyway, now at last the names have been chosen and we are green for go! Hurrah for Jake n' Bibbie. It is believed 'Jake' took the longest to choose as, obviously, Bibbie is so universal.
As you will see from your postcards, and boy haven't we had a lot? Bibbie and Jake are animated avatar type characters....Those of you not in store have missed out on this treat, virtually every morning we get a wish you were here postcard from Bibbie and Jake, I don't know where here is exactly but they love it! The postcards are a series of scenarios played out by Bibbie and Jake whereby one or the other needs help with the new system.
What worries me about all this is, a) they both seem equally confused, one day Bibbie asks Jake a dopey question the next Jake has (apparently) forgotten everything and consults Bibbie! and b) I fear with some considerable dread that when our people go online to train, Bibbie and Jake will be animated characters there to assist them! These could get a little tiresome and I for one don't want to be explaining to new starters why one is called Bibbie!
If they were going for an animated/avatar kind of thing why didn't they get one of those suits that capture live movement by a real person who then gets 'animated' on screen, they could then have used Mr's Warsop and Mike Read as our new training characters. I'd have dialled in to see that alone!
I fully support the idea of an animated Mr's Warsop guiding us to a training utopia and will be utilising a suggestion box should the new web site have one. Just think, if it worked out we could roll with it and have animated store managers on conference calls! Brendan from Bedworth for example is a very physical communicator and this is lost on a conference call, mike o has to keep checking he is awake, with an animated Brendan this would be unnecessary as he would be able to jabber away complete with his usual array of hand movements! (For those of you who don't know Brendan imagine Buzz Lightyear doing Oragami without any actual paper)
Of course animation doesn't come cheap but computer animation is cheaper AND we could do it ourselves, as with anything computer related we'd just pass it to Calum! I'm willing to bet he already has an animated Dawn with which to navigate the Fourways back office system.
( those of you on other territories or departments will have your very own Calum from Fourways)
The World 'Online'
I'm worried about the online security of our Bunzl accounts....it
doesn't keep me awake at night but its a niggle none the less....My
worry is that our accounts could be compromised based on our, far from
secure, account details.
The account name being more or less the site number with the password being those reversed hardly seems fail proof to me.
Hackers abound on the internet many of them able to crack complex codes, I fear that Bunzls would be child's play and therefore our consumable supply network would be at the mercy of malicious miscreants. Fair enough they're usually interested in bigger game than jumbo toilet rolls and hot food bags but nonetheless we should be wary.
I envisage turning up to work to find a Bunzl delivery spilling back on to the forecourt with oodles of consumable stock over ordered to excess and barriers aplenty forming trip hazards to one and all.
What if said hackers go mad with my account and order several of everything that I don't need and wont run out of until 2014?...... Hang on a minute that's exactly what my management team order NOW.....o.k. panic over, the hackers couldn't possibly order worse!
Anybody need any suspension files? no? Forecourt towels? no? years supply of Jumbo, yet see through, toilet roll?
The account name being more or less the site number with the password being those reversed hardly seems fail proof to me.
Hackers abound on the internet many of them able to crack complex codes, I fear that Bunzls would be child's play and therefore our consumable supply network would be at the mercy of malicious miscreants. Fair enough they're usually interested in bigger game than jumbo toilet rolls and hot food bags but nonetheless we should be wary.
I envisage turning up to work to find a Bunzl delivery spilling back on to the forecourt with oodles of consumable stock over ordered to excess and barriers aplenty forming trip hazards to one and all.
What if said hackers go mad with my account and order several of everything that I don't need and wont run out of until 2014?...... Hang on a minute that's exactly what my management team order NOW.....o.k. panic over, the hackers couldn't possibly order worse!
Anybody need any suspension files? no? Forecourt towels? no? years supply of Jumbo, yet see through, toilet roll?
Roadkill
Slumped in front of the telly in that zombie like state familiar to any
4am riser, I happened to find myself watching River Cottage. For those
unfamiliar with the show, a chef called Hugh Fittingly Wittering (or
something like that ) takes on a cottage in the country where he lives
off the land raising his own animals and growing stuff, which he then
shows us how to cook in weird and wonderful ways.
I don't know why I was watching it exactly as I'm highly unlikely to raise my own pigs here in central Birmingham, I'm sure the neighbour would take issue with the noise for one thing, mind you bearing in mind she is known as the foghorn, perhaps she'd not even notice? Anyway those recipes are unlikely to get tried round our house but I could, I suppose, have a go at today's, which involved fresh roadkill.....
Roadkill he drove around until he FOUND, I should point out. I very much doubt channel 4 allow their presenters to be filmed hunting down a nice juicy pheasant in their 4x4s, although it would make for gripping tv! I hasten to add for those of you thinking the worst, when I say used, he didn't stir fry the roadkill or anything like that, marinading it fiorst in m&s sweet chilli, he actually used the carcass to bait an eel trap in the river, it was the eels he then cooked......mmmm eels fed on nice fresh roadkill, tasty!.....
As I watched him driving round the country lanes in search of the roadkill , I thought how much easier it would have been round Warwick,where not a mile goes by without some (usually large) wild beasty being pasted to the tarmac. Removing them
would be no problem long as you've a nice flat spade in yer boot. Soon have it scraped free of the tarmac.Not sure how the eels'd respond to pancaked pheasant but what the hey........
Surprisingly however, the road kill around Warwick never includes rabbits of which there is an abundance, I'd have to assume the little blighters are too busy engaging in sexual intercourse to cross roads ergo getting pancaked........ Btw, if we are at it like rabbits what are rabbits at it like I wonder?.........
An animal (bird) in ample quantities of deadness is the pheasant which, must surely, be the dumbest of all creatures? How they manage to stay alive long enough to create baby pheasants is beyond me?..... "hey baby how's about you and I get to makin some new pheasants huh?”.....screeechhhhhhh THUD .........
I spotted a plump badger on the way here this morning I might do a nice eel pie for Mr's Me from Guyscliffe later. I hope the bugger fits in the boot and really is dead! I'd hate to be half way to Birmingham and an angry badger suddenly wakes up to wreak havoc in my motor vehicle, its bad enough keeping the car on the road when your trying to swot a wasp or something so I'd rather not wrestle resurrected roadkill. Its probably even against some obscure bp health and safety rule.
I don't know why I was watching it exactly as I'm highly unlikely to raise my own pigs here in central Birmingham, I'm sure the neighbour would take issue with the noise for one thing, mind you bearing in mind she is known as the foghorn, perhaps she'd not even notice? Anyway those recipes are unlikely to get tried round our house but I could, I suppose, have a go at today's, which involved fresh roadkill.....
Roadkill he drove around until he FOUND, I should point out. I very much doubt channel 4 allow their presenters to be filmed hunting down a nice juicy pheasant in their 4x4s, although it would make for gripping tv! I hasten to add for those of you thinking the worst, when I say used, he didn't stir fry the roadkill or anything like that, marinading it fiorst in m&s sweet chilli, he actually used the carcass to bait an eel trap in the river, it was the eels he then cooked......mmmm eels fed on nice fresh roadkill, tasty!.....
As I watched him driving round the country lanes in search of the roadkill , I thought how much easier it would have been round Warwick,where not a mile goes by without some (usually large) wild beasty being pasted to the tarmac. Removing them
would be no problem long as you've a nice flat spade in yer boot. Soon have it scraped free of the tarmac.Not sure how the eels'd respond to pancaked pheasant but what the hey........
Surprisingly however, the road kill around Warwick never includes rabbits of which there is an abundance, I'd have to assume the little blighters are too busy engaging in sexual intercourse to cross roads ergo getting pancaked........ Btw, if we are at it like rabbits what are rabbits at it like I wonder?.........
An animal (bird) in ample quantities of deadness is the pheasant which, must surely, be the dumbest of all creatures? How they manage to stay alive long enough to create baby pheasants is beyond me?..... "hey baby how's about you and I get to makin some new pheasants huh?”.....screeechhhhhhh THUD .........
I spotted a plump badger on the way here this morning I might do a nice eel pie for Mr's Me from Guyscliffe later. I hope the bugger fits in the boot and really is dead! I'd hate to be half way to Birmingham and an angry badger suddenly wakes up to wreak havoc in my motor vehicle, its bad enough keeping the car on the road when your trying to swot a wasp or something so I'd rather not wrestle resurrected roadkill. Its probably even against some obscure bp health and safety rule.
Retail For Dummies
In an effort to sell more of the England crap....I mean merchandise....
I decided what we needed was a mannequin, as they have in clothing
stores to properly present the items for sale. Being able to see how
they'd look worn is a useful sales tool. Sadly our budget does not run
to the cost of a mannequin and therefore, still keen to fully show off
the England cr.....stuff, we must improvise!
We did consider misappropriating one from Top shop by sending Liam to walk out with one hand in hand (as if they were a couple), but Barry from Rugby rd told me that this doesn't work and only leads to arrest and a difficult conversation with Mrs Barry from Rugby rd, and so, plan B it was then....
It wasn't easy persuading Satheesh to spend hours each day as a mannequin but, for the good of the store, he was persuaded.....counselling: reasonable managerial request, spend a day as a mannequin , Fagoon agreed readily to this..….... Anyway we decked him out from head to toe in the gear with hats and flags tied everywhere and face paints plastered on the remaining visible flesh. In order to give our 'mannequin' a bit of a shine and aid with keeping him motionless, we also glazed him with apricot glaze from the cafe. This worked a treat apart from a few encounters with wasps whereby Satheesh deserted his podium.....upturned MandS crate.....and shocked the hell out of the queue as a mini sized mannequin galloped past them persued by a troup of wasps with the scent of apricot in their nostrils....yes,wasps have nostrils.......
All in All though he made a highly effective, albeit diminutive, mannequin and many people stopped to view the merchandise he sported often commenting on the lovely smell of apricot.
I feel moved to suggest my idea to Howard but appreciate some might have concern with staff being press ganged into costume as it were, but, again, I checked with Fagoon whether we were in effect bullying them to which she responded, “ bullying? I'll give them bullying the little *^&% £$.”....... I'd naturally suggest the permanent till one guy as ideal for the task, with him being pretty much immovable anyway, and he'd need less glazing....you know you've all got someone in mind.
We did consider misappropriating one from Top shop by sending Liam to walk out with one hand in hand (as if they were a couple), but Barry from Rugby rd told me that this doesn't work and only leads to arrest and a difficult conversation with Mrs Barry from Rugby rd, and so, plan B it was then....
It wasn't easy persuading Satheesh to spend hours each day as a mannequin but, for the good of the store, he was persuaded.....counselling: reasonable managerial request, spend a day as a mannequin , Fagoon agreed readily to this..….... Anyway we decked him out from head to toe in the gear with hats and flags tied everywhere and face paints plastered on the remaining visible flesh. In order to give our 'mannequin' a bit of a shine and aid with keeping him motionless, we also glazed him with apricot glaze from the cafe. This worked a treat apart from a few encounters with wasps whereby Satheesh deserted his podium.....upturned MandS crate.....and shocked the hell out of the queue as a mini sized mannequin galloped past them persued by a troup of wasps with the scent of apricot in their nostrils....yes,wasps have nostrils.......
All in All though he made a highly effective, albeit diminutive, mannequin and many people stopped to view the merchandise he sported often commenting on the lovely smell of apricot.
I feel moved to suggest my idea to Howard but appreciate some might have concern with staff being press ganged into costume as it were, but, again, I checked with Fagoon whether we were in effect bullying them to which she responded, “ bullying? I'll give them bullying the little *^&% £$.”....... I'd naturally suggest the permanent till one guy as ideal for the task, with him being pretty much immovable anyway, and he'd need less glazing....you know you've all got someone in mind.
Good Old Times
Young Liam from Guyscliffe in his short career so far, has become quite
a favourite with the regular (old) ladies. His boyish looks and ability
for looking interested at all times has rendered him the chief object of
their need to unload......so to speak.... and so, he is often to be
found trapped at the till point by some old dear regaling him with her
recent life history.
His aforementioned knack for displaying an interested face leaves the old ladies blissfully unaware that he has, in fact, fallen asleep eyes open and standing to attention......not THAT kind of standing to attention, he likes old ladies but not THAT much......at least this is what I'm convinced is happening. No one can stand so attentively to attention(!) listening to what 'our Gladys said to our Mabel last Thursday week at Primark' without losing the will to live surely?
The beauty of all this is that I can sidle.....again with the sidling...off to a quiet spot at the merest suggestion of old folk knowing that I'm not even on their radar now, which is set strictly to Liam, and while he listens to this weeks adventures in bingoing and the like, I can laugh at his predicament via cctv. Its brilliant, I should have hired a decoy years ago.
Of course I'm still highly careful on the shop floor because Liam isn't always around and when they cant get the fresh faced boy wonder, they'll invariably head for me!
For example we have 2 (not 1 but 2!) 'jokers' who come in the store every morning, both lovely people don't get me wrong but, if you think you've at some point in your life seen the worlds worst comedian(s) think again until you've met ours! As I said there is 2 of them, I think they rota the store in shifts because you can guarantee that when your working delivery, you will be accosted by one or the other with today's 'joke' for want of a better description.
The old guy has a love for our young Indian lads (platonic purely platonic) he loves to corner them by the chillers, putting his arm around them and clutching them to his chest, he 'batters' them with his jokes. I've asked the lads after ward on a few occasions what he said to them and they do not have a clue! He leaves the store laughing like a drain and the Satheeshs and Charis are left standing there with bemused expressions on their faces.
They put up with all this unwarranted physical contact without complaint and I admire their professionalism. I'm not sure I could stand being assaulted daily by an old man's arm pit while being regaled with bad jokes I cant even understand. I wouldn't mind but the jokes always call for a response, the lads laugh nervously and the old guy takes this as confirmation that he is indeed hilarious guffawing his way to the door basking in the glow of his M&S audience.
And then there is the old lady, the old lady who's convinced she knows me personally. She wanders in of a morning cracking jokes at whoever's within earshot and then launches into a conversation with me at the mid way point, as if we'd not finished our chat from earlier! I honestly don't understand a word she says.....she IS English and IS (apparently) speaking English but she and I have a communication barrier unsurpassed, she blathers away ending with an earthy cackle and I nod and laugh along as if I've understood every word and found her hilarious.
To be fair she seems happy enough with this I only pray she never tells me her dog has died or something. Although hopefully she wouldn't have a big goofy grin on her face in that instance. Now if we could only get her to remember her teeth before she leaves the house........
His aforementioned knack for displaying an interested face leaves the old ladies blissfully unaware that he has, in fact, fallen asleep eyes open and standing to attention......not THAT kind of standing to attention, he likes old ladies but not THAT much......at least this is what I'm convinced is happening. No one can stand so attentively to attention(!) listening to what 'our Gladys said to our Mabel last Thursday week at Primark' without losing the will to live surely?
The beauty of all this is that I can sidle.....again with the sidling...off to a quiet spot at the merest suggestion of old folk knowing that I'm not even on their radar now, which is set strictly to Liam, and while he listens to this weeks adventures in bingoing and the like, I can laugh at his predicament via cctv. Its brilliant, I should have hired a decoy years ago.
Of course I'm still highly careful on the shop floor because Liam isn't always around and when they cant get the fresh faced boy wonder, they'll invariably head for me!
For example we have 2 (not 1 but 2!) 'jokers' who come in the store every morning, both lovely people don't get me wrong but, if you think you've at some point in your life seen the worlds worst comedian(s) think again until you've met ours! As I said there is 2 of them, I think they rota the store in shifts because you can guarantee that when your working delivery, you will be accosted by one or the other with today's 'joke' for want of a better description.
The old guy has a love for our young Indian lads (platonic purely platonic) he loves to corner them by the chillers, putting his arm around them and clutching them to his chest, he 'batters' them with his jokes. I've asked the lads after ward on a few occasions what he said to them and they do not have a clue! He leaves the store laughing like a drain and the Satheeshs and Charis are left standing there with bemused expressions on their faces.
They put up with all this unwarranted physical contact without complaint and I admire their professionalism. I'm not sure I could stand being assaulted daily by an old man's arm pit while being regaled with bad jokes I cant even understand. I wouldn't mind but the jokes always call for a response, the lads laugh nervously and the old guy takes this as confirmation that he is indeed hilarious guffawing his way to the door basking in the glow of his M&S audience.
And then there is the old lady, the old lady who's convinced she knows me personally. She wanders in of a morning cracking jokes at whoever's within earshot and then launches into a conversation with me at the mid way point, as if we'd not finished our chat from earlier! I honestly don't understand a word she says.....she IS English and IS (apparently) speaking English but she and I have a communication barrier unsurpassed, she blathers away ending with an earthy cackle and I nod and laugh along as if I've understood every word and found her hilarious.
To be fair she seems happy enough with this I only pray she never tells me her dog has died or something. Although hopefully she wouldn't have a big goofy grin on her face in that instance. Now if we could only get her to remember her teeth before she leaves the house........
Psssst .......
Considering all the hoopla recently when M and S changed the name of
Food to go to Food on the Move.....yes people you read right, hoopla,
when M and S change something we get badgered about it for a
month.....it surprised me somewhat that we didn't actually tell the
customers? Or if we did I missed it, far too busy reading e mails about
it and emails about the emails followed by reminders not to forget the
emails etc etc.
Anyway, in my own small way I decided to put this right and at lunch time each day I've been sidling up to people choosing sandwiches and saying, "pssst, have you heard the news?" to which they reply "er what news?" "food to go is now food on the move!" I try to deliver it in as excited a tone as I can manage....
I have to say people were decidedly non plussed by the exciting news. No one has any sense of theatre anymore, if only they knew the creativity, work and man hours that go into these name changes. Committees were formed, meeting upon meeting attended and literature a plenty was printed and sent. "Sod plan b the trees can fend for themselves we must send out acres of bumph"
The customers seemed pretty disturbed by my sidling I must confess, (perhaps the psssting was a step to far?), which I suppose as advertising gambits go isn't a patch on the girl in her underwear gamboling round the woods! I wonder if she knows about food on the move or how she feels about sidling?
Anyway, in my own small way I decided to put this right and at lunch time each day I've been sidling up to people choosing sandwiches and saying, "pssst, have you heard the news?" to which they reply "er what news?" "food to go is now food on the move!" I try to deliver it in as excited a tone as I can manage....
I have to say people were decidedly non plussed by the exciting news. No one has any sense of theatre anymore, if only they knew the creativity, work and man hours that go into these name changes. Committees were formed, meeting upon meeting attended and literature a plenty was printed and sent. "Sod plan b the trees can fend for themselves we must send out acres of bumph"
The customers seemed pretty disturbed by my sidling I must confess, (perhaps the psssting was a step to far?), which I suppose as advertising gambits go isn't a patch on the girl in her underwear gamboling round the woods! I wonder if she knows about food on the move or how she feels about sidling?
Cross My Way
Changing a planogram I laid my stuff out carefully so as to avoid
obstructing our beloved customers, I worked back against an area of the
shop without product and therefore (theoretically) somewhere customers
didn't need to walk, after all there were 3 different routes to take to
get past me.
After the 14th customer had barged their way past me.......one large lady even 'bottomed' me as I was slightly off balanced , literally striking me with one of her ample cheeks, the left I believe, and I almost ended up in the chiller...... the end of my tether was firmly in sight and when an elderly gentleman(!) not only barged past but then tried to come back the same way I snapped!
I grabbed him forcibly by the arm and performed a citizens arrest......obstructing a retailer about his retail duties.......and, placing him in a non-confrontational headlock I was able to bind his hands with cable ties until the police arrived. The police were unaware of the law relating to 'obstructing a retailer about his retail duties' but with a new coalition Government in place and a strong desire to go to lunch, were prepared to take my word for it. Police time is far too precious to waste on things such as facts.
While the first part of this tale did indeed happen and has happened 44 times before (apart maybe from the ladies cheek assault which was a first for me), the remainder was,sadly, in my head alone. I did not accost any elderly gentlemen and the police didn't come when called, these are fantasies I must learn to overcome.......note to self, get better fantasies asap......
After the 14th customer had barged their way past me.......one large lady even 'bottomed' me as I was slightly off balanced , literally striking me with one of her ample cheeks, the left I believe, and I almost ended up in the chiller...... the end of my tether was firmly in sight and when an elderly gentleman(!) not only barged past but then tried to come back the same way I snapped!
I grabbed him forcibly by the arm and performed a citizens arrest......obstructing a retailer about his retail duties.......and, placing him in a non-confrontational headlock I was able to bind his hands with cable ties until the police arrived. The police were unaware of the law relating to 'obstructing a retailer about his retail duties' but with a new coalition Government in place and a strong desire to go to lunch, were prepared to take my word for it. Police time is far too precious to waste on things such as facts.
While the first part of this tale did indeed happen and has happened 44 times before (apart maybe from the ladies cheek assault which was a first for me), the remainder was,sadly, in my head alone. I did not accost any elderly gentlemen and the police didn't come when called, these are fantasies I must learn to overcome.......note to self, get better fantasies asap......
I Dream A Dream
I have a dream.....not a meaningful dream like Martin Lk but a dream
none the less.
My dream is one I have harboured for many years basically since I first noticed girls and that they liked a guy who could dance, my dream is to dance!
Not in a billy elliott style I hasten to add, no boy wanting to dance on a worldwide stage here just boy wanting to dance with girls without killing their feet and/or killing the rhythm! Alcohol acts as a buffer for this dream when occasion to dance presents itself but, while my head in its inebriated state is thinking the boy CAN dance the feet continue blissfully unaware of this update and continue to shuffle in a non-committal style, part rhythm part trying to make for the door!
Anyway, as I've said dancing has always looked exceptionally cool to me, when done well, apart of course from tap which is like rhythmic masturbation in public! Ooh look at me I can tappity tap myself to orgasm. I just do not see the attraction. Tap should be left to old people, take Bruce Forsyth for example, every time I' m unfortunate enough to see him on tv he comes on doing this soft shoe shuffle crap that just isn't dancing I'm telling you, its made up he's just slapping his feet off the floor vaguely in time to the music while the (elderly!) crowd goes into bloody raptures. I frequently get up and shout obscenity's at the telly at the mere mention of Brucey.
But back to my dream, I dream that I finally succumb to my dancing obsession and start to practice day and night with a purpose. I choose a routine and go at it hammer and tongs day after day, week after week, in a Rocky style, eye of the tiger I train non stop for my big moment. I phone in sick in order to train, I lose sleep in order to train, I dance up and down my street alarming small children but drawing ever approving glances from the old ladies and I give up all other hobbies, (shouting at Brucie for example) in order to train. All with one purpose in mind.
Until, finally the day has come,
and its conference time, the Celtic Manor is heaving with bp of all shapes and sizes, we've had dinner the awards stuff is done and dusted and the dance floor opens. The dj begins spinning his discs and slowly the dance floor fills, at first only with the ladies of hr who always hit the dance floor first, but then with all and sundry as the mood builds. At last my time is upon me, I must fulfill my destiny, I've done all that practice for this one moment in time and now is that moment, I make my way to the dance floor , through the drunken hordes to far gone to dance.
As I approach the floor I spy the vacant boards ahead of me, I work my way past the ladies of hr all huddled together in a seamless dance of arms and legs in perfect sychronicity including Fagoon who's offering advice to the less rhythmic among them bellowing encouragement over the pumping base, I sidle past Carl of Stonebridge who shirt wide open to the waist is impressing several females with his well practised hand jive, young Charlie in attendance picking up some of the masters grooves, “ watch this one Charlie he shouts” as he flips the jive from left to right, past Gavin once again reeling out his highland fling disco version, pretty much the same as the traditional version but with glow sticks.
At last I reach my spot and, space clear around me I crouch down into position fold my arms and begin, to the strains of the Village peoples YMCA, a faultless Russian cossack dance. At first I'm dancing the cossack dance completely unobserved but soon the other dancers become aware of my movements and turn to watch, one by one until the whole dance floor is looking my way, this ripple soon spreads to the remaining diners licking their plates at the tables and trying to drain that last drop from the free wine, they too move to the edge of the dance floor to watch. Soon a slow hand clap begins as the crowd witness my routine in full flow, Welsh Sarah starts up a chant of HOI
HOI HOI and that is taken up by the whole room, other guests at the hotel hear the commotion and begin to come into the room to see what's causing it. Bp's finest is now joined by Americans in
golf trousers all filling the room in a throng facing the dance floor and the one man who dances on at ever increasings speeds and complexity. A few spirited souls join in and, although they didn't practice like me they soon get in the flow, Ann from Chelmsley dances the cossack like shes been dancing it her whole life..............
And the night will live in legend both through bp and in local Cardiff folklore, the man who came and danced the cossack dance will never be forgotten at least until something better happens in wales......
My dream is one I have harboured for many years basically since I first noticed girls and that they liked a guy who could dance, my dream is to dance!
Not in a billy elliott style I hasten to add, no boy wanting to dance on a worldwide stage here just boy wanting to dance with girls without killing their feet and/or killing the rhythm! Alcohol acts as a buffer for this dream when occasion to dance presents itself but, while my head in its inebriated state is thinking the boy CAN dance the feet continue blissfully unaware of this update and continue to shuffle in a non-committal style, part rhythm part trying to make for the door!
Anyway, as I've said dancing has always looked exceptionally cool to me, when done well, apart of course from tap which is like rhythmic masturbation in public! Ooh look at me I can tappity tap myself to orgasm. I just do not see the attraction. Tap should be left to old people, take Bruce Forsyth for example, every time I' m unfortunate enough to see him on tv he comes on doing this soft shoe shuffle crap that just isn't dancing I'm telling you, its made up he's just slapping his feet off the floor vaguely in time to the music while the (elderly!) crowd goes into bloody raptures. I frequently get up and shout obscenity's at the telly at the mere mention of Brucey.
But back to my dream, I dream that I finally succumb to my dancing obsession and start to practice day and night with a purpose. I choose a routine and go at it hammer and tongs day after day, week after week, in a Rocky style, eye of the tiger I train non stop for my big moment. I phone in sick in order to train, I lose sleep in order to train, I dance up and down my street alarming small children but drawing ever approving glances from the old ladies and I give up all other hobbies, (shouting at Brucie for example) in order to train. All with one purpose in mind.
Until, finally the day has come,
and its conference time, the Celtic Manor is heaving with bp of all shapes and sizes, we've had dinner the awards stuff is done and dusted and the dance floor opens. The dj begins spinning his discs and slowly the dance floor fills, at first only with the ladies of hr who always hit the dance floor first, but then with all and sundry as the mood builds. At last my time is upon me, I must fulfill my destiny, I've done all that practice for this one moment in time and now is that moment, I make my way to the dance floor , through the drunken hordes to far gone to dance.
As I approach the floor I spy the vacant boards ahead of me, I work my way past the ladies of hr all huddled together in a seamless dance of arms and legs in perfect sychronicity including Fagoon who's offering advice to the less rhythmic among them bellowing encouragement over the pumping base, I sidle past Carl of Stonebridge who shirt wide open to the waist is impressing several females with his well practised hand jive, young Charlie in attendance picking up some of the masters grooves, “ watch this one Charlie he shouts” as he flips the jive from left to right, past Gavin once again reeling out his highland fling disco version, pretty much the same as the traditional version but with glow sticks.
At last I reach my spot and, space clear around me I crouch down into position fold my arms and begin, to the strains of the Village peoples YMCA, a faultless Russian cossack dance. At first I'm dancing the cossack dance completely unobserved but soon the other dancers become aware of my movements and turn to watch, one by one until the whole dance floor is looking my way, this ripple soon spreads to the remaining diners licking their plates at the tables and trying to drain that last drop from the free wine, they too move to the edge of the dance floor to watch. Soon a slow hand clap begins as the crowd witness my routine in full flow, Welsh Sarah starts up a chant of HOI
HOI HOI and that is taken up by the whole room, other guests at the hotel hear the commotion and begin to come into the room to see what's causing it. Bp's finest is now joined by Americans in
golf trousers all filling the room in a throng facing the dance floor and the one man who dances on at ever increasings speeds and complexity. A few spirited souls join in and, although they didn't practice like me they soon get in the flow, Ann from Chelmsley dances the cossack like shes been dancing it her whole life..............
And the night will live in legend both through bp and in local Cardiff folklore, the man who came and danced the cossack dance will never be forgotten at least until something better happens in wales......
Carry On Luggage
Meandering thought playing havoc again led me to pondering the ins and outs of your average sex change, most specifically the female to male rather than the more traditional male to female, which we all know a little about already right?
I mean it involves operations, hormonal stuff and the gradual growing of breasts etc, but what do we know of the female to male really? Not much at all I’m thinking, I mean how does that work exactly? Its not as if hormone therapy grows a penis now is it? And, I for one have never heard of a transplant style operation, I mean who would donate for one thing? I cant see that kind of donor card catching on, I sure as hell wouldn’t carry one!
My train of thought led me to thinking that the deal has to be prosthetic. A detachable maybe even interchangable penis in a wide range of colors to suit all. Perhaps your discerning former female could carry several? , a variety of penis if you will, in a display case. Presented nicely in little (or not so) velvet lined compartments.
Its entirely feasible I mean, I’d assume, your average newly made man wouldn’t want permanent stasis in either floppy or ….ummm.. more alert…now would they? Stands to reason they’d have before and afters . Reconnection of same would have to be rapid and easy to do as nothing would spoil the mood more than “ yes yes I swear I‘m turned on I just cant find my bloody screwdriver"
When your out and about tomorrow and you see a male who might not, when you think about it, look quite right somehow and he’s carrying a briefcase…..well, who knows eh……….
I mean it involves operations, hormonal stuff and the gradual growing of breasts etc, but what do we know of the female to male really? Not much at all I’m thinking, I mean how does that work exactly? Its not as if hormone therapy grows a penis now is it? And, I for one have never heard of a transplant style operation, I mean who would donate for one thing? I cant see that kind of donor card catching on, I sure as hell wouldn’t carry one!
My train of thought led me to thinking that the deal has to be prosthetic. A detachable maybe even interchangable penis in a wide range of colors to suit all. Perhaps your discerning former female could carry several? , a variety of penis if you will, in a display case. Presented nicely in little (or not so) velvet lined compartments.
Its entirely feasible I mean, I’d assume, your average newly made man wouldn’t want permanent stasis in either floppy or ….ummm.. more alert…now would they? Stands to reason they’d have before and afters . Reconnection of same would have to be rapid and easy to do as nothing would spoil the mood more than “ yes yes I swear I‘m turned on I just cant find my bloody screwdriver"
When your out and about tomorrow and you see a male who might not, when you think about it, look quite right somehow and he’s carrying a briefcase…..well, who knows eh……….
There It Rings Again
mid morning at the fun factory and the phone rings
me "good morning bp Kings norton ? "
him "What ?"
me "good morning , how can i help you ? "
him " is that Asda ?"
me "no I'm sorry this is a bp "
him " a what ?"
me " a bp ..as in petrol station "
him "well I've looked in the yellow pages and it says Asda ?"
me "well Ive looked at the darn pole sign and it said Bp !
I didn't actually say that last part but i wanted to !
I think actually I'll phone him back now and tell him after closer inspection I've found it is in fact an Asda and I've been coming to work for 2 years in the wrong damn uniform
me "good morning bp Kings norton ? "
him "What ?"
me "good morning , how can i help you ? "
him " is that Asda ?"
me "no I'm sorry this is a bp "
him " a what ?"
me " a bp ..as in petrol station "
him "well I've looked in the yellow pages and it says Asda ?"
me "well Ive looked at the darn pole sign and it said Bp !
I didn't actually say that last part but i wanted to !
I think actually I'll phone him back now and tell him after closer inspection I've found it is in fact an Asda and I've been coming to work for 2 years in the wrong damn uniform
Sunday Sunday
That alarm on a Sunday morning is a blessed little tune that wafts me softly from my warm bed and deposits me carefully in the bathroom,ready to begin my ablutions and kick start my happy day.Sunday's face scraping is even more pleasurable for it being welllll Sunday.
Oh Joyous Sunday how I love to work you.It matters not that my mouth tastes like I've had incontinent hamsters sleeping in there overnight nor that my tongue feels as if I have coated it in batter,No for I have work to go to and customers that await!
I feel joy when the first customer of the day badgers me for his missing supplement..."you have a free supplement missing sir?Well clearly that is not good enough and I can see that it has stressed you greatly,the veins popping on your forehead are a dead giveaway.Please please ,ease your troubled brow for it is Sunday and I,am here to help.Let me see if I can find you a replacement or failing that I could fill you in myself on the lives and happenings of various d grade celebrity's ".........this weeks shock exclusive Jordan blows her nose...........
Oh Joyous Sunday how I love to work you.It matters not that my mouth tastes like I've had incontinent hamsters sleeping in there overnight nor that my tongue feels as if I have coated it in batter,No for I have work to go to and customers that await!
I feel joy when the first customer of the day badgers me for his missing supplement..."you have a free supplement missing sir?Well clearly that is not good enough and I can see that it has stressed you greatly,the veins popping on your forehead are a dead giveaway.Please please ,ease your troubled brow for it is Sunday and I,am here to help.Let me see if I can find you a replacement or failing that I could fill you in myself on the lives and happenings of various d grade celebrity's ".........this weeks shock exclusive Jordan blows her nose...........
The Old Routine
"good afternoon is there any fuel with that sir?"
"WHAT?"
"Fuel?Have you had any today?"
"oh yes yes its ....umm...."
several minutes pass
"Which colour would your car be sir?"
"WHAT?"
"which.....colour.......is ........your.....car?"
"its the blue one"
"ahh ok...the blue renault,citreon or ford fiesta sir?
"yes"
by now the queue is back to the m42 and several customers have pitched
tents
"yes...okkkkk.....how much did you put in ?"
"its a blue one"
"rrigghttt...but exactly which...pause to allow ear smoke to
dissipate.....of the 3 blue cars would it be precisely
"ohh its the fiesta son"
"thank you sir...do you have a nectar card?"
"WHAT?"
"WHAT?"
"Fuel?Have you had any today?"
"oh yes yes its ....umm...."
several minutes pass
"Which colour would your car be sir?"
"WHAT?"
"which.....colour.......is ........your.....car?"
"its the blue one"
"ahh ok...the blue renault,citreon or ford fiesta sir?
"yes"
by now the queue is back to the m42 and several customers have pitched
tents
"yes...okkkkk.....how much did you put in ?"
"its a blue one"
"rrigghttt...but exactly which...pause to allow ear smoke to
dissipate.....of the 3 blue cars would it be precisely
"ohh its the fiesta son"
"thank you sir...do you have a nectar card?"
"WHAT?"
Stick Em'Up
Imagine my excitement this morning to , a ) actually receive post and ,
b) it include a whole ream of free stickers !! Woohoo free stickers !
( Obviously the excitement had been mitigated somewhat by the presence
of a bp envelope in the post , the arrival of merchandising matters for
example often triggering an asthma attack but heck did i mention there
were free stickers ? )
It never ceases to amaze me how quickly an excited moment can turn on you .....and so it was 30seconds later when I inspected said stickers to find they were in fact , Golden Rules of Safety stickers .....woo and a decidedly less enthusiastic hoo .......I've since e-mailed the hsse dept to feedback that i cant see these catching on ? Kids want teenage mutant ninja turtles and football players ,I just cant see them trading ,Golden rule 5 (working at height !) in the playground at break time
Ever helpful , the kind folk of Hsse have included in the pack , a ' table of suggested locations for the stickers ' ....Curiously enough I had my own train of thought as to where they could stick their Golden Rules of Safety stickers ...............
It never ceases to amaze me how quickly an excited moment can turn on you .....and so it was 30seconds later when I inspected said stickers to find they were in fact , Golden Rules of Safety stickers .....woo and a decidedly less enthusiastic hoo .......I've since e-mailed the hsse dept to feedback that i cant see these catching on ? Kids want teenage mutant ninja turtles and football players ,I just cant see them trading ,Golden rule 5 (working at height !) in the playground at break time
Ever helpful , the kind folk of Hsse have included in the pack , a ' table of suggested locations for the stickers ' ....Curiously enough I had my own train of thought as to where they could stick their Golden Rules of Safety stickers ...............
Johnson And Not Johnson
Finally having had our new chemicals fitted by Johnson d we received training in their usage from the lady rep, training I thought? But I am a retail professional of many years standing, what must they show me? Anyway the training was simple enough but a Tad disconcerting due to the repeated, and very grave, warnings re using gloves when utilising the chemicals. Now we've always been told to use gloves but the lady rep was most insistent and wore a terrified expression everytime she mentioned it.
I had also seen welsh Sarah at the last meeting and she'd had her chems before us, ignored the warnings and was currently sporting elderly tortoise skin knuckles as a result,"4 seconds I had my hands in the water boyo" she remarked. With all this in mind I felt it my duty as a caring manager to test said products before unleashing them on my staff and so, we embarked on a controlled experiment whereby we filled the cleaning sink with the solution and, choosing our smallest csa, little satheesh, we kitted him out in protective wear, ie goggles and the wellies, and then carefully emersed him in the sink. (fear not safety fans for we protected our selves from splash back by lowering him from atop the step ladders) Results were inconclusive, he sat there for the whole of his break and although the protective gear survived intact he himself emerged completely wrinkled from head to toe, yes even more wrinkled than Brendan of Bedworth.
Not a sight anyone needs to see and two of our female csa's fainted in shock, one of whom only heard the tale second hand. "more than Brendan of Bedworth?" she was heard to remark before the sound of her head hitting the floor echoed across the phoneline.
The irony of all this is that cleaning wise, the chems are only marginally more effective than plain water!
I had also seen welsh Sarah at the last meeting and she'd had her chems before us, ignored the warnings and was currently sporting elderly tortoise skin knuckles as a result,"4 seconds I had my hands in the water boyo" she remarked. With all this in mind I felt it my duty as a caring manager to test said products before unleashing them on my staff and so, we embarked on a controlled experiment whereby we filled the cleaning sink with the solution and, choosing our smallest csa, little satheesh, we kitted him out in protective wear, ie goggles and the wellies, and then carefully emersed him in the sink. (fear not safety fans for we protected our selves from splash back by lowering him from atop the step ladders) Results were inconclusive, he sat there for the whole of his break and although the protective gear survived intact he himself emerged completely wrinkled from head to toe, yes even more wrinkled than Brendan of Bedworth.
Not a sight anyone needs to see and two of our female csa's fainted in shock, one of whom only heard the tale second hand. "more than Brendan of Bedworth?" she was heard to remark before the sound of her head hitting the floor echoed across the phoneline.
The irony of all this is that cleaning wise, the chems are only marginally more effective than plain water!
The Prodigal Son
Dear India,
Please welcome your native son, and my good friend, mr Rohit back to his homeland with open arms. He left your shores a boy but returns a man. Not that he experienced any of our fine local women here but let me assure you that was due entirely to their inherent racism and not any lack of effort on Rohit's part. He was most loud and persistent in his attempts to woo them. He has however met many characters that will help him face almost anything in life going forward, englands loss will be indias gain as no one who has spent anytime at all with Daz and chappers can fail to be prepared for anthing.His mental strength is now second to none...except maybe hitesh and kunal who were also 'dazzed' while here and have probably taken several months to once again sleep at night without the terror. Rohit has taken all his bp uniform back with him with the intention of creating a fashion buzz on the streets of mumbai. He will be quite the envy of all fine Indian gentlemen as he struts around in the sunshine wearing his m and s fleece! Finally let me assure you that although tempted by the women and the drink he did not partake of drugs while here, in any case lemsip is entirely legal.
Yours sincerly, England
ps. Kunal and lalit having spent less time here should have returned home relatively undamaged......relatively
Please welcome your native son, and my good friend, mr Rohit back to his homeland with open arms. He left your shores a boy but returns a man. Not that he experienced any of our fine local women here but let me assure you that was due entirely to their inherent racism and not any lack of effort on Rohit's part. He was most loud and persistent in his attempts to woo them. He has however met many characters that will help him face almost anything in life going forward, englands loss will be indias gain as no one who has spent anytime at all with Daz and chappers can fail to be prepared for anthing.His mental strength is now second to none...except maybe hitesh and kunal who were also 'dazzed' while here and have probably taken several months to once again sleep at night without the terror. Rohit has taken all his bp uniform back with him with the intention of creating a fashion buzz on the streets of mumbai. He will be quite the envy of all fine Indian gentlemen as he struts around in the sunshine wearing his m and s fleece! Finally let me assure you that although tempted by the women and the drink he did not partake of drugs while here, in any case lemsip is entirely legal.
Yours sincerly, England
ps. Kunal and lalit having spent less time here should have returned home relatively undamaged......relatively
Zap That Fly
I'm fascinated by the fly zapper we have in our cafés.
I've never actually seen the thing deal with a fly but occasionally hear it zapping away and so have always assumed it was doing its job. I now suspect its been pulling a fast one and has, all this time, been zapping dust mites in a cunning attempt to look efficient, but the thing is, why would any self respecting fly be hanging about that close to the ceiling? All the good stuffs down low, there are surfaces to defecate on and human beings to annoy. I've never even seen one in the vicinity of the zapper and, unless it has an attractant (fly porn?)I can't see it ever even seeing a fly let alone frying one.
I pondered this the other day as I tried to introduce a fly in my office to the concept of the rolled up newspaper. O.K. so I actually used my competency dictionary,(hey I knew it would come in handy!), and I didn't care which competency the fly fell too, I was determinedly trying to show him ALL of them in close up detail!.... “come on fly” I muttered, “there are several, take your pick”..... The fly however, no doubt recognising the evils of the competency dictionary was having none of it and continued to career round the Guyscliffe filing system. (at fly scale the equivalent of Switzerland)
I contemplated taking the café's zapper off the wall and waving it at the fly like some backward darth vader, but didn't have a screwdriver handy or the trust in my diy capability. The only thing likely to have gotten zapped was me with a few thousand volts of electricity, still, I could do with a new hairstyle.
Anyway, I'm returning my competency dictionary to Fagoon and insisting on a heavier larger faced model, how on earth am I to battle fly kind with this dinky thing? Its not even proved a good door stop, bloody door still keeps locking me out! When Nadine asks me which competencies i've hit this month and I can't remember a single one, I want to at least respond with some fly killing success stories.
I've never actually seen the thing deal with a fly but occasionally hear it zapping away and so have always assumed it was doing its job. I now suspect its been pulling a fast one and has, all this time, been zapping dust mites in a cunning attempt to look efficient, but the thing is, why would any self respecting fly be hanging about that close to the ceiling? All the good stuffs down low, there are surfaces to defecate on and human beings to annoy. I've never even seen one in the vicinity of the zapper and, unless it has an attractant (fly porn?)I can't see it ever even seeing a fly let alone frying one.
I pondered this the other day as I tried to introduce a fly in my office to the concept of the rolled up newspaper. O.K. so I actually used my competency dictionary,(hey I knew it would come in handy!), and I didn't care which competency the fly fell too, I was determinedly trying to show him ALL of them in close up detail!.... “come on fly” I muttered, “there are several, take your pick”..... The fly however, no doubt recognising the evils of the competency dictionary was having none of it and continued to career round the Guyscliffe filing system. (at fly scale the equivalent of Switzerland)
I contemplated taking the café's zapper off the wall and waving it at the fly like some backward darth vader, but didn't have a screwdriver handy or the trust in my diy capability. The only thing likely to have gotten zapped was me with a few thousand volts of electricity, still, I could do with a new hairstyle.
Anyway, I'm returning my competency dictionary to Fagoon and insisting on a heavier larger faced model, how on earth am I to battle fly kind with this dinky thing? Its not even proved a good door stop, bloody door still keeps locking me out! When Nadine asks me which competencies i've hit this month and I can't remember a single one, I want to at least respond with some fly killing success stories.
Success In Disguise
Increasingly accosted by customers whenever I ventured into the shop I
pondered a solution ,My dilemna being that on the one hand I must
frequent the shop on occasion to fulfil my role as one of bp’s finest.
There is stock to be filled ,counted and ordered ,there are lists to be
checked and ticked .Many varied tasks which I must complete . The flip
side of this is ,as stated ,the tendency to be harassed by customers
with inane questions and queries ..…old people in particular must queue
outside waiting for my arrival…..I am a busy man invariably on a
mission ,I have not the time to escort people 2 feet to the milk. I can
certainly suggest on a price request that the customer look at the price
label but what is the point? It would not be proper of me to reply, “you
mean other than the ones you just walked past?” when enquired if we sell
newspapers ……this is all time consuming and uncomfortable.
Anyway as a result of my pondering (which I undertook in my own free time of course ,pondering not being written into the labour module) I hit upon the idea of wearing disguise ..and it works!
Now when I am stocking the ice cream freezer dressed as a traffic warden no one accosts me! Its great I can wander around unchallenged.
Anyway as a result of my pondering (which I undertook in my own free time of course ,pondering not being written into the labour module) I hit upon the idea of wearing disguise ..and it works!
Now when I am stocking the ice cream freezer dressed as a traffic warden no one accosts me! Its great I can wander around unchallenged.
Slammers And Bammers
I understand that old people struggle with chiop and pin really I do,
i'm a patient man without access to a shotgun, HOWEVER, what I cant
bring myself to understand are the slammers. The people who come upto
the counter and have to launch the card into the machine the very
instant they are within range. WHOOOMP they go slamming it into th epoor
unsuspecting chip and pin device as if they have a personal grievance
with it. “ TAKE THAT YOU LITTLE S**T”
It doesn't even matter how many times they are corrected in their slamming you can guarantee the very next time they'll be physically abusing the unit yet again. I can only imagine its all very, wham bam thank you maam around their house but its not as if the slammers are exclusively male there are some seriously demented pin users out there that are decidedly female....there again maybe they'be been on the receiving end of 'wham bam' tactics for years and this is REVENGE.
It doesn't even matter how many times they are corrected in their slamming you can guarantee the very next time they'll be physically abusing the unit yet again. I can only imagine its all very, wham bam thank you maam around their house but its not as if the slammers are exclusively male there are some seriously demented pin users out there that are decidedly female....there again maybe they'be been on the receiving end of 'wham bam' tactics for years and this is REVENGE.
Truly Biblical
Having freed the toilet from blockage by the biggest log I've ever seen,
excuse the graphic imagery but we are talking full sized swiss roll
here, I pondered how any human being could pass such an object and walk
straight afterwards. I even enquired of staff if they'd noticed anyone
using the toilet who came out afterwards noticeably smaller. Staff just
looked at me as if I were talking Swahili, a look I get quite often.
I must confess to utilising the odd public lavatory on occasion what with my advancing years and what have you (do bladders shrink or something?) but I successfully manage to do so without leaving, 6 foot long toilet roll streamers, 2 inch deep pools of water and/or some other suspicious liquid. I also manage to wash my hands without smearing the sink with soap or worse still nicking said soap! How desperate for soap must one get before stealing it from store bathrooms?
I've also never and I repeat NEVER left logs of biblical proportions!
I must confess to utilising the odd public lavatory on occasion what with my advancing years and what have you (do bladders shrink or something?) but I successfully manage to do so without leaving, 6 foot long toilet roll streamers, 2 inch deep pools of water and/or some other suspicious liquid. I also manage to wash my hands without smearing the sink with soap or worse still nicking said soap! How desperate for soap must one get before stealing it from store bathrooms?
I've also never and I repeat NEVER left logs of biblical proportions!
A Bit On The Side
Bearing in mind our meat theft problem and the likelihood druggie's sell it down the local pub, I realised we were missing a sales op! With this in mind I kitted out our best upselling cashier as the artful dodger......(costume shop being a let down for more modern thieves)
....and sent him off down the pub with 5 steaks and a script. '12 quid a steak guv its a bargain and no mistake' I thought of adding a crack pipe as a prop but unfortunately bunzl (our office and store sundries supplier)were out of stock and therefore (as usual) sent 6 boxes of brown sugar instead.
....and sent him off down the pub with 5 steaks and a script. '12 quid a steak guv its a bargain and no mistake' I thought of adding a crack pipe as a prop but unfortunately bunzl (our office and store sundries supplier)were out of stock and therefore (as usual) sent 6 boxes of brown sugar instead.
"E" For Elbox!
Luckily until the enterprise solution comes into play I have my bp elbox
defensive driving course to fall back on, sadly the only part of which I
remember is that reversing into your parking spot saves petrol! I can't
quite understand exactly how my defensive driving course actually helped
me, how can reversing in, save anymore than reversing out? In an act of
open rebellion I park front on everytime and completely ignore the
supposed sequence for turning corners!
At least I save more than my neighbour who has perfected a 35 point turn every time she parks, which she always ends up doing 2 milimetres from my drivers door rendering it unusable, when the other neighbour then dumps his humvee (its not really a humvee just one of those dopey huge 4x4s that need 2 parking bays and the drivers are always 5 foot tall) cheek to cheek with my other door, I'm left with sunroof entry as my only option should I want to use my motor vehicle. I've had the sunroof connected to the central locking as a pop up, now I can flop myself head first into the driving seat. I , of course have the option of calling either neighbour out to move their inconsiderately parked vehicles, but, the lady could talk for England and midget lad is the worlds most boring man, 5 years running, one more and he gets to keep the trophy!He talks to me about engine parts and d.i.y. projects, 5 minutes in and I want to faint with the strain of politely feigning interest .....So you see my batman like entry is infinitely preferable.
The elbox, of course, mentioned none of this when I did my 'virtual drive'. That went swimmingly apart from the 37 attempts to successfully round a corner! 'In which sequence should you make a left hand turn' it asked.... there were about 5 options, I tried every permutation of the 5 37 times like I said, then, miraculously, after I'd invented several rather interesting new swear words, turned a rather unattractive shade of blue (I looked like a short Avatar) and was poised with the thing above my head ready to introduce it to the wall, I got it right and was all of a sudden a defensively qualified bp driver! .
It saddens me however, that, no matter how many millions of people successfully turn a corner, none LITERALLY NONE of them do it in the bloody prescribed sequence.
At least I save more than my neighbour who has perfected a 35 point turn every time she parks, which she always ends up doing 2 milimetres from my drivers door rendering it unusable, when the other neighbour then dumps his humvee (its not really a humvee just one of those dopey huge 4x4s that need 2 parking bays and the drivers are always 5 foot tall) cheek to cheek with my other door, I'm left with sunroof entry as my only option should I want to use my motor vehicle. I've had the sunroof connected to the central locking as a pop up, now I can flop myself head first into the driving seat. I , of course have the option of calling either neighbour out to move their inconsiderately parked vehicles, but, the lady could talk for England and midget lad is the worlds most boring man, 5 years running, one more and he gets to keep the trophy!He talks to me about engine parts and d.i.y. projects, 5 minutes in and I want to faint with the strain of politely feigning interest .....So you see my batman like entry is infinitely preferable.
The elbox, of course, mentioned none of this when I did my 'virtual drive'. That went swimmingly apart from the 37 attempts to successfully round a corner! 'In which sequence should you make a left hand turn' it asked.... there were about 5 options, I tried every permutation of the 5 37 times like I said, then, miraculously, after I'd invented several rather interesting new swear words, turned a rather unattractive shade of blue (I looked like a short Avatar) and was poised with the thing above my head ready to introduce it to the wall, I got it right and was all of a sudden a defensively qualified bp driver! .
It saddens me however, that, no matter how many millions of people successfully turn a corner, none LITERALLY NONE of them do it in the bloody prescribed sequence.
Warwick In Bloom(ers)
With my new travel distance to the lovely Warwick everyday I have time
and occasion to see many weird and wonderful sights. Such as the old
lady this morning, apparently wearing a cheetah skin coat!
Chunky fur in style it was brown with big black splodges looking for all the world like a cheetah at the bus stop. It nearly buried the old dear and I pondered how it made her look like a pimp from the 70s.Albeit a grey haired old lady style pimp from the 70's
Last seen romping across the Savannah the Cheetah coat now adorned the old lady as if she were stood inside a tent. Maybe she hoped it would make her appear bigger and deter would be bag snatchers, to me she looked like Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch, which should be deterrent enough in itself.
For all I know the pimps of Warwick could indeed be little grey haired old ladies in outsized overcoats and I wondered how she controlled her beeatches? Usually they patrol their turf in flash motors so her waiting for a bus could be misleading, perhaps the Jag was in for service.
Another more disturbing sight came at the top of a big hill into the town and again featured a little old lady who was sat atop the hill, on a bench, facing the incoming visitors to town, ie me.
Unfortunately she was sat with her legs wide open and, the way the hill curves, all us drivers had an unrestricted and unwanted view of her undergarments! (Big and white, cos I know Mikey will ask). Luckily i'm not of a nervous disposition and I managed to keep the car on the road but I was definitely slightly traumatised and demonstrating symptoms of shock.
Fair play to the old dear though, if she wants to air her drawers on a sunny Warwick morning, then who I am to quibble? I just wished she saved the show for after rush hour, I'm far to tender in years to be exposed to old ladies knickers, I'd want to be at least 100 before that starts happening as a regular occurrence, at least at that age I should be able to appreciate the view.
I cant comment on whether the underwear were Marks and Spencers own....
Chunky fur in style it was brown with big black splodges looking for all the world like a cheetah at the bus stop. It nearly buried the old dear and I pondered how it made her look like a pimp from the 70s.Albeit a grey haired old lady style pimp from the 70's
Last seen romping across the Savannah the Cheetah coat now adorned the old lady as if she were stood inside a tent. Maybe she hoped it would make her appear bigger and deter would be bag snatchers, to me she looked like Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch, which should be deterrent enough in itself.
For all I know the pimps of Warwick could indeed be little grey haired old ladies in outsized overcoats and I wondered how she controlled her beeatches? Usually they patrol their turf in flash motors so her waiting for a bus could be misleading, perhaps the Jag was in for service.
Another more disturbing sight came at the top of a big hill into the town and again featured a little old lady who was sat atop the hill, on a bench, facing the incoming visitors to town, ie me.
Unfortunately she was sat with her legs wide open and, the way the hill curves, all us drivers had an unrestricted and unwanted view of her undergarments! (Big and white, cos I know Mikey will ask). Luckily i'm not of a nervous disposition and I managed to keep the car on the road but I was definitely slightly traumatised and demonstrating symptoms of shock.
Fair play to the old dear though, if she wants to air her drawers on a sunny Warwick morning, then who I am to quibble? I just wished she saved the show for after rush hour, I'm far to tender in years to be exposed to old ladies knickers, I'd want to be at least 100 before that starts happening as a regular occurrence, at least at that age I should be able to appreciate the view.
I cant comment on whether the underwear were Marks and Spencers own....
6 Pack And No Need Of A Torch
Hesitant as I am to broach the subject of feminine hygeine products, I
feel it my duty as a retail professional to make some suggestions.
It should be noted that I base these suggestions on my experience of the subject....I mean in a retail sense of course.....
Being as I can remember a time when we carried 3 or 4 of these products and seemed to manage perfectly fine it is with some surprise I note our range today, (which btw changes seemingly every 3 weeks, lillets to always to tampax back to lillets and so on) as we now have about 33 varieties of the same thing, long ones, short ones, extra absorbent and now even night time specific ones …...I have no idea? Perhaps they glow in the dark........the logistical nightmare of managing the change over in range is headache inducing and compounded by their tendency to be shoplifted......which is mind boggling in itself, where's the market exactly? I can imagine our steaks being sold in the local pub for example but a guy sidling up to you with a coat full of night time always, "half the retail price guvnor AND they glow in the dark"
And so to my suggestions,
1. how about we stick with the same range for a least 2-3 months?
2. Considering the volume of different ones as listed above should we consider a variety pack?
If you send us some stickers I'm quite willing, ala crème egg deal, to make our own using old baguette bags....
It should be noted that I base these suggestions on my experience of the subject....I mean in a retail sense of course.....
Being as I can remember a time when we carried 3 or 4 of these products and seemed to manage perfectly fine it is with some surprise I note our range today, (which btw changes seemingly every 3 weeks, lillets to always to tampax back to lillets and so on) as we now have about 33 varieties of the same thing, long ones, short ones, extra absorbent and now even night time specific ones …...I have no idea? Perhaps they glow in the dark........the logistical nightmare of managing the change over in range is headache inducing and compounded by their tendency to be shoplifted......which is mind boggling in itself, where's the market exactly? I can imagine our steaks being sold in the local pub for example but a guy sidling up to you with a coat full of night time always, "half the retail price guvnor AND they glow in the dark"
And so to my suggestions,
1. how about we stick with the same range for a least 2-3 months?
2. Considering the volume of different ones as listed above should we consider a variety pack?
If you send us some stickers I'm quite willing, ala crème egg deal, to make our own using old baguette bags....
Wanderer's Return
Sammy is back! Sam of Wednesbury is now looking after the Solihull
massive and so becomes...Sam of Solihull, well done, your keeping up so
far.
Having been off the last couple of years adding to the worlds population explosion,(Wednesbury is now so overcrowded the local council is asking people to share trousers, one leg each, At weekends Sam and Mr Sam share a nice pair of beige chinos) she is now back and rearing to go. Almost immediately on stepping from her beloved Robin Reliant (only 3 previous owners 2 nuns and Bishop Tutu, not the Bishop Tutu, another one) she spotted an opportunity, you see Solihull is unique among petroleum forecourts and convenience emporiums in that, it is the only one that shares the forecourt with an undertakers!
Sam being the retail professional of many a year sees this as a massive bonus that we should be highlighting via the pole sign......bp...m&s...carwash...toilet...undertakers..
As she said to me,
"imagine the average customer popping in to pick up some bits and pieces mentally ticking off their list, Beans, Bread, Milk, Bury Granny, Soap powder"
Its a sure fire winner and no mistake!
The other aspect she likes is that the guy who runs the undertakers lives above the place and, apart from hoping bumps in the night ARE intruders, this gives them added security and staff on tap 24/7. Something we at bp should emulate she insists. Young duty managers starting out on the property ladder could rent some rooms above the store and be ready for action whenever called upon!
Sammy, you think of everything.
Having been off the last couple of years adding to the worlds population explosion,(Wednesbury is now so overcrowded the local council is asking people to share trousers, one leg each, At weekends Sam and Mr Sam share a nice pair of beige chinos) she is now back and rearing to go. Almost immediately on stepping from her beloved Robin Reliant (only 3 previous owners 2 nuns and Bishop Tutu, not the Bishop Tutu, another one) she spotted an opportunity, you see Solihull is unique among petroleum forecourts and convenience emporiums in that, it is the only one that shares the forecourt with an undertakers!
Sam being the retail professional of many a year sees this as a massive bonus that we should be highlighting via the pole sign......bp...m&s...carwash...toilet...undertakers..
As she said to me,
"imagine the average customer popping in to pick up some bits and pieces mentally ticking off their list, Beans, Bread, Milk, Bury Granny, Soap powder"
Its a sure fire winner and no mistake!
The other aspect she likes is that the guy who runs the undertakers lives above the place and, apart from hoping bumps in the night ARE intruders, this gives them added security and staff on tap 24/7. Something we at bp should emulate she insists. Young duty managers starting out on the property ladder could rent some rooms above the store and be ready for action whenever called upon!
Sammy, you think of everything.
Love Is In The Sales
Here on the day of love we rose to the challenge of adding a bit of
Valentines 'Theatre' to our stores by going one step further
than the usual balloons, ribbons and floral extravaganzas.
We decided we would co-opt a member of staff into playing our very own in store cupid!
We chose the traditional depiction of a curly haired cherubic cupid and dressed the staff member accordingly. With the aid of his moms rollers,(for the curls) and a nappy( adult incontinent pants, cheap and surprisingly absorbent!) he certainly looked the part. Initially he was reluctant to stride round the store dressed only in a nappy but once threatened with counselling he soon relented . I checked where we stood on that with Janet T and she confirmed it was a reasonable request to get a staff member to aid with sales.....
The incontinent pants served a dual purpose as we were able to keep him out there for hours without the need of toilet breaks.....
Unfortunately the lads somewhat wholesome figure tended to frighten some of the female customers as he followed them around with his bow and arrow, and we also had to abandon suspending him from the ceiling due to safety concerns. The 100 or so clipstrips proved insufficient to hold him and we didn't want some poor unsuspecting customer suddenly piggy backing a half naked cupid around the food to go!
We decided we would co-opt a member of staff into playing our very own in store cupid!
We chose the traditional depiction of a curly haired cherubic cupid and dressed the staff member accordingly. With the aid of his moms rollers,(for the curls) and a nappy( adult incontinent pants, cheap and surprisingly absorbent!) he certainly looked the part. Initially he was reluctant to stride round the store dressed only in a nappy but once threatened with counselling he soon relented . I checked where we stood on that with Janet T and she confirmed it was a reasonable request to get a staff member to aid with sales.....
The incontinent pants served a dual purpose as we were able to keep him out there for hours without the need of toilet breaks.....
Unfortunately the lads somewhat wholesome figure tended to frighten some of the female customers as he followed them around with his bow and arrow, and we also had to abandon suspending him from the ceiling due to safety concerns. The 100 or so clipstrips proved insufficient to hold him and we didn't want some poor unsuspecting customer suddenly piggy backing a half naked cupid around the food to go!
Windows 2100
I've noticed of late that there are new style hearses on the market. By on the market I don't mean i've been looking to buy one, but i've seen them out and about and understand that the discerning bereaved loved ones can now choose an all new hearse with bigger windows! Huge they are, like a massive mobile fish tank only without the little bridge and coloured stones. I assume this all round extravaganza of glass is to enable bigger and better floral tributes to be displayed as the deceased makes that final journey, giving mourners and general bystanders a nice panoramic view of the whole show....as it were.... This got me to thinking about my own sad passing, for it will happen one day, and I think my wishes viz a vee my final final transport should be known, I, of course, now want the big fancy hearse complete with a large all round floral tribute in two words that stretch all round interior, only I want the letters scrambled so that general bystanders have to work for their free entertainment and the anagram should be,
ESH EDDA!
Naked Mile
Having agreed (reluctantly) to 3 obligatory random staff searches each
week i now find ,what with me being a busy man ,that i don't have the
time for their completion .
To workaround (new word instigated by gss people !) this problem ,I have decided we will hold one completely naked monthly meeting whereby all staff will arrive on site in the buff , spend 10 minutes chatting amiably about relevant site issues (such as how we all love gss for example ),meanwhile I and my dsm (also both completely starkers ) will conduct brief visual checks for company stock and equipment using only a see through clipboard and pen .In one fell swoop all searches are complete for the month .I can see these catching on !
On the subject of gss , all exel deliveries for the next few days will be later than normal as they will first have to collect your ordered stock from the Kings Norton depot ! I'm not saying we have had a lot of templates but the walls actually bulge externally , kings norton looks like it has eaten too much cake ...
To workaround (new word instigated by gss people !) this problem ,I have decided we will hold one completely naked monthly meeting whereby all staff will arrive on site in the buff , spend 10 minutes chatting amiably about relevant site issues (such as how we all love gss for example ),meanwhile I and my dsm (also both completely starkers ) will conduct brief visual checks for company stock and equipment using only a see through clipboard and pen .In one fell swoop all searches are complete for the month .I can see these catching on !
On the subject of gss , all exel deliveries for the next few days will be later than normal as they will first have to collect your ordered stock from the Kings Norton depot ! I'm not saying we have had a lot of templates but the walls actually bulge externally , kings norton looks like it has eaten too much cake ...
Waterproof
Recruiting for new staff we received 2 applicants via the Recruitment
line.Having phoned one of them to arrange an assessment, without any
hassle, I proceeded to ring the second, a gentleman who I shall call
Englebert for the purposes of this e-mail.The call went something like
this,
I dialled the mobile number given, it rang twice and was answered in a
shout,
Englebert: YEAH?
Me:Hello, this is Andy store manager at bp Kings Norton,I'm calling with
regard your application for the csa position.
Englebert: YEAH?
Me: ummm, I'd like to arrange a suitable time for an assessment?
Engelbert sighs deeply and shouts into the phone, LOOK,I'LL HAVE TO CALL
YOU BACK, I'M IN THE SHOWER.
Me...ok...umm....i mean what?
Engelbert : I'M IN THE SHOWER.... CLICK ....He didn't actually shout
click, that was the sound of him simultaneously ending the call and any
chance he ever had of working at Kings Norton.
Do they even make water proof mobiles?
He never did call back anyway, probably couldn't find a waterproof pen
and paper with which to write himself a reminder!
9 Out Of Every 10 Men
Its not possible to put out the magazines of a morning without being amazed by the lurid and frankly bizarre strap lines on the womens mags. Increasingly extreme real life tails emblazoned across them, such as, I married an axe murderer and, my mother ran off with my wife etc can only be detrimental to the mental health of anyone exposed to them for any length of time. And so it is I worry about my night crew. For one thing the amount of sex surveys to end all sex surveys the mags proclaim is definitely worrying, I want to keep my night crew away from sex and the prospect of procreation in general. For the good of mankind you understand....some of us were made to propogate the species whilst others, well, should be shall we say be protected botth them and (particularly)any prospective mate. After all it'd only confuse them anyways, they break out in a cold sweat if a woman addresses them directly, might be she only asks them the time but no matter for they'll still get in a fluster.
Speaking of sex surveys anyway, i'm regularly accosted on visits to town by everyone from political surveys to scientology stress tests, usually proffered by impossibly white teethed beautiful people, the Scientologists that is not the surveyors who are usually mad haired ladies of a certain age ....potential mates for night crew perhaps....NO! DO I LOOK F&$€£@G STRESSED?.....but never have I been asked to take part in a sex survey.? Law of averages would dictate I should be getting asked at least bi-monthly?Maybe the subjects of sex surveys are not ordinary upstanding citizens of renown such as you or I, but are the denizens who frequent the little side street stores with blacked out windows....ADULT BOOKS....you know the ones, yeah you do.....and I for one don't think I care to base my sexual exploits on the learnings from those guys!
Speaking of sex surveys anyway, i'm regularly accosted on visits to town by everyone from political surveys to scientology stress tests, usually proffered by impossibly white teethed beautiful people, the Scientologists that is not the surveyors who are usually mad haired ladies of a certain age ....potential mates for night crew perhaps....NO! DO I LOOK F&$€£@G STRESSED?.....but never have I been asked to take part in a sex survey.? Law of averages would dictate I should be getting asked at least bi-monthly?Maybe the subjects of sex surveys are not ordinary upstanding citizens of renown such as you or I, but are the denizens who frequent the little side street stores with blacked out windows....ADULT BOOKS....you know the ones, yeah you do.....and I for one don't think I care to base my sexual exploits on the learnings from those guys!
Rubber Women Save The Planet
One of the roads I travel to work in the morning has a new traffic scheme whereby the powers that be have converted a bus lane into a 2 persons or more lane. Now, I don't take anyone to work with me and bearing in mind my morning persona that's probably for the best, so I am banned from the new lane and must slum it with all the other singletons in the bumper to bumper traffic. To be honest i've never been in traffic that was going slower than the new lane so in actual fact the thing is pretty pointless but damn it I want to use it! I don't like being banned from anything but the petty police we have in this city would be on you like flies for driving in the lane on your lonesome, I mean it would use up time and save them having to tackle any actual real crime.
My consternation at this dilemma got me to thinking and I have come up with a plan. I'm going to purchase a blow up doll! To act as my passenger you understand. I discounted mannequins due to lack of lifelike qualities whereas blow up dolls are now reputed to be more realistic than ever.although certain of their dubious features will not be necessary for my purposes. Problem being I won't purchase such an item on my card as I'd never be able to look the bank lady in the eye again so it has to be cash and therefore a trip to a sex shop!
Now I foresee a sex shop exchange being somewhat similiar to the condom buying trevails of my teenage years. Back then you could only get them at the chemist and each trip was fraught with embarrassment. I could never get the discreet, quiet old guy oh no it had to be the old lady with the knowing smile, loud mouth and bawdy sense of humour. I must have purchased half the shop in useless items trying to get what I actually wanted. Have you ever tried those bloody diabetic sweets?
There would of course be no diversions in the sex shop and (God willing!)no sign of any little old ladies, I wouldn't fancy the process of choosing the doll of course I mean would they believe I only want her for passenger duty? I doubt it and should I Iose my nerve I very much doubt they sell diabetic sweets, but on the plus side i'm sure they'd stock condoms. Although a simultaneous purchase of blow up doll and condoms might confuse them greatly!
My consternation at this dilemma got me to thinking and I have come up with a plan. I'm going to purchase a blow up doll! To act as my passenger you understand. I discounted mannequins due to lack of lifelike qualities whereas blow up dolls are now reputed to be more realistic than ever.although certain of their dubious features will not be necessary for my purposes. Problem being I won't purchase such an item on my card as I'd never be able to look the bank lady in the eye again so it has to be cash and therefore a trip to a sex shop!
Now I foresee a sex shop exchange being somewhat similiar to the condom buying trevails of my teenage years. Back then you could only get them at the chemist and each trip was fraught with embarrassment. I could never get the discreet, quiet old guy oh no it had to be the old lady with the knowing smile, loud mouth and bawdy sense of humour. I must have purchased half the shop in useless items trying to get what I actually wanted. Have you ever tried those bloody diabetic sweets?
There would of course be no diversions in the sex shop and (God willing!)no sign of any little old ladies, I wouldn't fancy the process of choosing the doll of course I mean would they believe I only want her for passenger duty? I doubt it and should I Iose my nerve I very much doubt they sell diabetic sweets, but on the plus side i'm sure they'd stock condoms. Although a simultaneous purchase of blow up doll and condoms might confuse them greatly!
Raised Brow
Noticeably missing a member of staff I went off searching for the errant employee. 10 or so minutes went by before she finally emerged from the bathroom, somewhat sheepish looking as she caught my exasperated expression. “ You’ve been gone for half an hour, what on earth were you doing in there?”
Obviously I ask this question reservedly but when you’ve just arrived at work and you adjourn to the facilities for the first half hour, then the manager has a right to ask…I think….
“ I was drawing my eyebrows” she replied…..“ Umm…what?” I asked, as I was convinced I had misheard the drawing part…… “ I don’t have any eyebrows and I’d not had time to draw some on before leaving the house” . It transpired that she had attempted to dye the things once upon a time and the process had gone ary, chemically depriving her of her eyebrows.
Now, I’m not the most observant bloke ( key word ..bloke) but I must confess there had been occasions when ( I know now) it was clear she had drawn them on too high. At the time I remember wondering why everything I said to her seemed to render her utterly shocked, I'd say the must mundane thing and the eyebrows would shoot skyward. Turns out they’d been skyward all along.
At this juncture I had to express, in a somewhat bemused fashion that, although I sympathised with her plight I had to insist that she a) arrived on time and b) preferably with eyebrows. I was admittedly curious as well and almost suggested googling online in the hope that…maybe….someone had invented prosthetic ones? … I’ve checked, they don’t.
Obviously I ask this question reservedly but when you’ve just arrived at work and you adjourn to the facilities for the first half hour, then the manager has a right to ask…I think….
“ I was drawing my eyebrows” she replied…..“ Umm…what?” I asked, as I was convinced I had misheard the drawing part…… “ I don’t have any eyebrows and I’d not had time to draw some on before leaving the house” . It transpired that she had attempted to dye the things once upon a time and the process had gone ary, chemically depriving her of her eyebrows.
Now, I’m not the most observant bloke ( key word ..bloke) but I must confess there had been occasions when ( I know now) it was clear she had drawn them on too high. At the time I remember wondering why everything I said to her seemed to render her utterly shocked, I'd say the must mundane thing and the eyebrows would shoot skyward. Turns out they’d been skyward all along.
At this juncture I had to express, in a somewhat bemused fashion that, although I sympathised with her plight I had to insist that she a) arrived on time and b) preferably with eyebrows. I was admittedly curious as well and almost suggested googling online in the hope that…maybe….someone had invented prosthetic ones? … I’ve checked, they don’t.
Missed It
With a candidate having passed the gruelling process of the select
direct telephone call(!), we invited him down for the in store
assessment. Through an accident of bad planning I was here when he came
and, (reluctantly) feeling I should show willing, I decided to have a
brief chat before proceeding,
“So what interests you about working for bp?”
“I was told its good ennit”
“Ummm right, who told you that then?”
“dunno”
“you 'dunno' who told you or you don't understand the question?”
“nahh was probably a friend ennit”
“Right. Have you worked in retail before?”
“i wuz a painter ennit”
“Portraits or landscapes?”
“nah houses ennit” (OK so the joke was bad but.....)
At this point I felt it high time he moved onto the assessment while I went for a lie down...ennit.
Surprisingly he failed and we're gutted to have missed out on such potential, the back fence could certainly do with a lick of paint.
“So what interests you about working for bp?”
“I was told its good ennit”
“Ummm right, who told you that then?”
“dunno”
“you 'dunno' who told you or you don't understand the question?”
“nahh was probably a friend ennit”
“Right. Have you worked in retail before?”
“i wuz a painter ennit”
“Portraits or landscapes?”
“nah houses ennit” (OK so the joke was bad but.....)
At this point I felt it high time he moved onto the assessment while I went for a lie down...ennit.
Surprisingly he failed and we're gutted to have missed out on such potential, the back fence could certainly do with a lick of paint.
Rage Against The Machine
I consider myself a retailing professional, I think I’ve earned that
conceit after all these years. Granted my usage of tills is fairly ltd
to …well… now and again, but I know my stuff and can usually serve a
customer without too much fuss and drama…usually…..Therefore it
troubles me greatly that I am completely and utterly inept when it comes
to using self serve in supermarkets! To the embarrassing point that the
duty manager at our local mini Tesco wants to bar me from using the self
serve!
Oh I start well enough I manage too hit the START button fairly well after barely a pause for thought, its from here on out that the problem arises and myself and the electronically voiced lady have issues.Firstly I struggle manfully with the damn bags, do they super glue the stupid things shut? Now I’m not a sweaty handed individual thankfully and I cant get the things to open naturally. I try licking my fingers(I know!) rubbing my trousers….for electric friction people, concentrate here…….and in desperate frustration accosting a passing greasy haired personage for a dripping or two. To no avail whatsoever, usually at this point, probably prompted by greasy person complaining, an assistant comes and rescues me with a one fingered release system! My ire rises and the temper is beginning to surface to ugly proportions.
Now I begin to scan, naturally the first item takes 17 passes over the myopic scanner before it takes, then of course scanning itself 9 times.Once I figure out how to remove the 8 errant items the lady prompts me to bag the item. This I do, the lady prompts me AGAIN to bag the item.
“I have bagged the item “ I plead “PLEASE PLACE THE ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA” “I have placed the f****** item in the F****** bagging F****** area.”
I believe my constraint at this stage is admirable. Finally after moving said item into a variety of positions, it now stands on his head at a precise 90 degree angle, the ’lady’ accepts and asks me to continue. This I do again encountering the Mr Magoo of scanners before attempting to once again bag, and failing once again to bag ‘PLEASE ‘PLACE THE ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA’ “I have I have I swear I have placed the item in the bagging area!”
Half hour later when I’ve finally scanned and bagged my 5 items(!) I must pay, I choose cash, it prompts me to choose a payment type I AGAIN choose cash, it prompts me in loud dull tones once again to choose a payment type. At this stage I ignore the stupid machine and, after 34 attempts manage to get IT to accept my increasingly battered £10 note . It vomits my change helpfully onto the floor and as I pick this up I swear I can hear HER sneering from inside the damn machine but....finally....I am free to leave and doffing my non-existent hat at the exasperated looking duty manager I leave the store with a happy little gait.
Oh I start well enough I manage too hit the START button fairly well after barely a pause for thought, its from here on out that the problem arises and myself and the electronically voiced lady have issues.Firstly I struggle manfully with the damn bags, do they super glue the stupid things shut? Now I’m not a sweaty handed individual thankfully and I cant get the things to open naturally. I try licking my fingers(I know!) rubbing my trousers….for electric friction people, concentrate here…….and in desperate frustration accosting a passing greasy haired personage for a dripping or two. To no avail whatsoever, usually at this point, probably prompted by greasy person complaining, an assistant comes and rescues me with a one fingered release system! My ire rises and the temper is beginning to surface to ugly proportions.
Now I begin to scan, naturally the first item takes 17 passes over the myopic scanner before it takes, then of course scanning itself 9 times.Once I figure out how to remove the 8 errant items the lady prompts me to bag the item. This I do, the lady prompts me AGAIN to bag the item.
“I have bagged the item “ I plead “PLEASE PLACE THE ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA” “I have placed the f****** item in the F****** bagging F****** area.”
I believe my constraint at this stage is admirable. Finally after moving said item into a variety of positions, it now stands on his head at a precise 90 degree angle, the ’lady’ accepts and asks me to continue. This I do again encountering the Mr Magoo of scanners before attempting to once again bag, and failing once again to bag ‘PLEASE ‘PLACE THE ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA’ “I have I have I swear I have placed the item in the bagging area!”
Half hour later when I’ve finally scanned and bagged my 5 items(!) I must pay, I choose cash, it prompts me to choose a payment type I AGAIN choose cash, it prompts me in loud dull tones once again to choose a payment type. At this stage I ignore the stupid machine and, after 34 attempts manage to get IT to accept my increasingly battered £10 note . It vomits my change helpfully onto the floor and as I pick this up I swear I can hear HER sneering from inside the damn machine but....finally....I am free to leave and doffing my non-existent hat at the exasperated looking duty manager I leave the store with a happy little gait.
Toshy Tickets
We have new price tickets for Wine here in M&S land that wax lyrical
with the usual guff re wine,such as for example Casablanca Sauvignon
Blanc which is lovingly described as,
'inviting slightly grassy aroma and mouthwatering flavours of gooseberry, pear and melon'
One can only hope the grass hasn't been holding cows or the wine'll come with the true aroma of the countryside.
Now I'm not a wine buff and subsequently know very little but even I have drunk enough varieties and types to make the assertion that, Red wine tastes red, white tastes white and I'll grant you the licence to describe dry white as tasting of chalk! A good dry will have you dry gobbing and/or sound like your trying to get your tongue around speaking Dutch!
Now I'm not the kind of guy to make such a claim without backing it with good solid data and so, I have doctored one of our best selling wines ticket to read,
' inviting the tender aroma of wet badger and all the mouthwatering sunshine flavours of bird droppings'
Lets see how that sells .I should probably include the word, infused , in there somewhere as its so beloved of all the product tosh writers.
'inviting slightly grassy aroma and mouthwatering flavours of gooseberry, pear and melon'
One can only hope the grass hasn't been holding cows or the wine'll come with the true aroma of the countryside.
Now I'm not a wine buff and subsequently know very little but even I have drunk enough varieties and types to make the assertion that, Red wine tastes red, white tastes white and I'll grant you the licence to describe dry white as tasting of chalk! A good dry will have you dry gobbing and/or sound like your trying to get your tongue around speaking Dutch!
Now I'm not the kind of guy to make such a claim without backing it with good solid data and so, I have doctored one of our best selling wines ticket to read,
' inviting the tender aroma of wet badger and all the mouthwatering sunshine flavours of bird droppings'
Lets see how that sells .I should probably include the word, infused , in there somewhere as its so beloved of all the product tosh writers.
The Last Pair
Sunday pm, tills are all on busy as a busy thing in busy town and the
phone rings.......
I get to it on the 37th ring and an exasperated,and posh, sounding lady says,
“H'well AT laaaast, good lord I thought M&S valued customers, I've let that ring 38 times (one of us is lying) and finally you answer”
“ahh, I'm sorry for your wait, we are rather busy on the tills”
“Humphh, h'well anyway, I h'want you to check some trousers”
“err, we're........” was as far as I got before she interjected with,
“only you had them laaast year and I h'want a new pair in size 10.”
after a pause “Ok hold the line I'll check for you”
I went and looked at the carwash fill levels
I did the dcd check
I chatted a little with the undertaker next door. (small talk with an undertaker...hows business?....)
I did a litter pick amble around the forecourt before finally returning to the office and,
“hello?”
“FINALLY, well?”
“sorry, we JUST and I mean JUST sold the last pair!!”
I get to it on the 37th ring and an exasperated,and posh, sounding lady says,
“H'well AT laaaast, good lord I thought M&S valued customers, I've let that ring 38 times (one of us is lying) and finally you answer”
“ahh, I'm sorry for your wait, we are rather busy on the tills”
“Humphh, h'well anyway, I h'want you to check some trousers”
“err, we're........” was as far as I got before she interjected with,
“only you had them laaast year and I h'want a new pair in size 10.”
after a pause “Ok hold the line I'll check for you”
I went and looked at the carwash fill levels
I did the dcd check
I chatted a little with the undertaker next door. (small talk with an undertaker...hows business?....)
I did a litter pick amble around the forecourt before finally returning to the office and,
“hello?”
“FINALLY, well?”
“sorry, we JUST and I mean JUST sold the last pair!!”
Failure In Disguise
On that note, I've bought an ancient and enormous old overcoat from the
carboot (proper carboot not Sammy n Fagoons strange carboot) a huge
overcoat that'll fit everyone working here (not all at once ..separately
of course) to wear while they purchase their lunches. This should avoid
the dirty looks and/or inane queries from customers, one would hope but
I think my cunning disguise will be seen through. There must be a 'staff
member walk' that we all do?
"Drive through?" I replied, I'm afraid not. I was in fact thinking, great here we go again, another fruit loop.
"no drive through?" He repeated, increasingly desperately it seemed. Not as desperately as I wanted him to go away so I could continue queing for my lunch, this overcoats boiling not to mention itchy.
"umm no?"
"No drive through nuts, peanuts?"
Light slowly started to dawn as he repeated that last sentence again
"DRIED FRUIT!" Eureka I had cracked his secret code!
"YES!" he exclaimed with relief, "drive through!"
"I'll show you" I replied and led him off to the 'drive through' outsized overcoat sweeping the floor as we went.
"Drive through?" I replied, I'm afraid not. I was in fact thinking, great here we go again, another fruit loop.
"no drive through?" He repeated, increasingly desperately it seemed. Not as desperately as I wanted him to go away so I could continue queing for my lunch, this overcoats boiling not to mention itchy.
"umm no?"
"No drive through nuts, peanuts?"
Light slowly started to dawn as he repeated that last sentence again
"DRIED FRUIT!" Eureka I had cracked his secret code!
"YES!" he exclaimed with relief, "drive through!"
"I'll show you" I replied and led him off to the 'drive through' outsized overcoat sweeping the floor as we went.
Turn On The Light
I think in these eco-friendly times we live in the energy efficiency
checks we must complete each shift are a good thing. The planet must be
saved and who better than us to set an example? (he says as another half
acre of forest in the form of till receipts goes in the bin)
The turning off of all non-essential lighting, such as the toilet lights, is a step in the right direction, HOWEVER, ....I see a flaw.
Such is the nature of our busy work day that, often, our visits to the toilet facility are somewhat infrequent and, by the time you eventually get in there, decidedly urgent.
This urgency is hampered greatly by the delayed reaction lighting which takes several bladder squeezing seconds to kick in. It comes to the point where an anxious person may start earlier than the lighting allows and, I fear, accidents may ensue. Not accidents in the sense of ASA conversations, but in the sense of, “oh for ***** sakes I've pee'd in the sink again!”
The turning off of all non-essential lighting, such as the toilet lights, is a step in the right direction, HOWEVER, ....I see a flaw.
Such is the nature of our busy work day that, often, our visits to the toilet facility are somewhat infrequent and, by the time you eventually get in there, decidedly urgent.
This urgency is hampered greatly by the delayed reaction lighting which takes several bladder squeezing seconds to kick in. It comes to the point where an anxious person may start earlier than the lighting allows and, I fear, accidents may ensue. Not accidents in the sense of ASA conversations, but in the sense of, “oh for ***** sakes I've pee'd in the sink again!”
Advice To Bed
Knowing several of you are veterans of long term relationships( Brendan
has medals!) I would like to pass on some advice given to me a while
back by a former colleague. Now, I don't normally take advice in affairs
of the bedroom from octogenarian forecourt cleaners but when he sidled
up to me and said, "when you need some excitement back in a
relationship,I have only 2 words for you..Uniform and Toys!" I felt it
only right to give it a try. Well, imagine my other half's surprise that
evening when she threw back the bedclothes to find me in full wild bean
uniform clutching a pile of Lego.
Bell The Old
The elderly lady fixed me in her steely eyed glare, "young man" she
said, I looked around but it was in fact me she wanted, either that or
she needed stronger spectacles,
"young man, do you still have those prunes you had last week, only I said to my Arthur this morning blah blah blah blah blah " She didn't of course say blah blah but the rest of what she was actually saying washed over me like a speech on health and safety. I only heard the occasional word...Arthur...prunes...regular....
After what seemed an eternity she finally stopped talking and I was able to escort her to said Prunes upon which she launched into another diatribe relating to how happy Arthur would be etc etc. I'm sure poor old Arthur must be deaf and anytime she encounters people with hearing she feels the need to talk until they faint. I nearly did I swear.
I know its archaic and quite probably against their human rights but I'd like to have all old people entering the store wear a little bell that activates as they move, that way whenever I'm about to enter the shop floor I could first listen out for the tell tale tinkle of old people and therefore stay outback where I'm safe.
"young man, do you still have those prunes you had last week, only I said to my Arthur this morning blah blah blah blah blah " She didn't of course say blah blah but the rest of what she was actually saying washed over me like a speech on health and safety. I only heard the occasional word...Arthur...prunes...regular....
After what seemed an eternity she finally stopped talking and I was able to escort her to said Prunes upon which she launched into another diatribe relating to how happy Arthur would be etc etc. I'm sure poor old Arthur must be deaf and anytime she encounters people with hearing she feels the need to talk until they faint. I nearly did I swear.
I know its archaic and quite probably against their human rights but I'd like to have all old people entering the store wear a little bell that activates as they move, that way whenever I'm about to enter the shop floor I could first listen out for the tell tale tinkle of old people and therefore stay outback where I'm safe.
Payback
Italian words spoken by a rich Brummie accent do not lend themselves to
ease of understanding.
A woman had to ask me 5 times today if we stocked Mascarpone before I realised she wasn't actually asking me for a massive pony. Being asked for any sized pony could be construed as unlikely but when you've seen as many loopy customers as I have........
B.t.w, Sarah, before you say it, I do know what Mascarpone is! I'm a classy guy we have it on toast all the time in our ouse)
A woman phoned up the store and asked for our boy-scouts department! I've been asked before for, lingerie, children's clothes and and light fittings departments, but boy scouts? I told her we don't have one but I'm happy to tie her a few knots if she's stuck.
After work today I followed a customer home, marched confidently into their living room and proceeded to move all their ornaments into improbable locations. I then asked their poor unsuspecting children lots of inane questions before grumbling bitterly about everything and anything I could think of. Having littered their floor with used diesel gloves and left some graffiti in their toilet, (bp offer details, never miss an opportunity folks) I promptly left.
A woman had to ask me 5 times today if we stocked Mascarpone before I realised she wasn't actually asking me for a massive pony. Being asked for any sized pony could be construed as unlikely but when you've seen as many loopy customers as I have........
B.t.w, Sarah, before you say it, I do know what Mascarpone is! I'm a classy guy we have it on toast all the time in our ouse)
A woman phoned up the store and asked for our boy-scouts department! I've been asked before for, lingerie, children's clothes and and light fittings departments, but boy scouts? I told her we don't have one but I'm happy to tie her a few knots if she's stuck.
After work today I followed a customer home, marched confidently into their living room and proceeded to move all their ornaments into improbable locations. I then asked their poor unsuspecting children lots of inane questions before grumbling bitterly about everything and anything I could think of. Having littered their floor with used diesel gloves and left some graffiti in their toilet, (bp offer details, never miss an opportunity folks) I promptly left.
Cheesy Cheese
A new cheese has arrived in store and on it is a sticker proudly
proclaiming, BRONZE IN THE WORLD CHEESE AWARDS......Not to be confused
with the Olympics which are entirely seperate ....I knew nothing of
these world cheese awards, are they televised? Do the spectators cheer
for their cheese of choice? I'm going to see if I can purchase a Cornish
Cruncher replica shirt.
On reflection I'd have to say I'm a little disappointed with bronze, 'it's not just cheese you know, its 3rd placed M&S cheese' doesn't quite have the same ring to it.
On reflection I'd have to say I'm a little disappointed with bronze, 'it's not just cheese you know, its 3rd placed M&S cheese' doesn't quite have the same ring to it.
Chilled Out
Wandering the outer reaches of Arctic Solihull(aisle 3) I happened across 2 members of the customer species in an apparently somewhat distressed state. "Ho Customer types", I greeted them cheerily," I cant help noticing you appear top be in a somewhat distressed state, may I offer my assistance in anyway?"
"cccccold.....sssssssso.....fffffffar....from.... hhhhhhh" they struggled to reply. "ahh said I" for I now understood their plight, "Never fear dear customers for I am here now and I will lead you to safety and, more importantly, warmth" Later, as they recovered,(with the lack of an instore Brandy carrying St Bernard, we effect heat restoration with the aid of 2 strategically strapped wbc sausage rolls, 1 under each arm pit does the trick) and I regaled them with tales of my retail derring do, they asked me a question. " how do you manage the cold, it doesn't seem to affect you at all?"
"aha" I chortled,(I'd always wanted to chortle one day and had been saving this one up) " the secret is, I and in fact all our staff, are protected by the warm glow of BP's love!"
"cccccold.....sssssssso.....fffffffar....from.... hhhhhhh" they struggled to reply. "ahh said I" for I now understood their plight, "Never fear dear customers for I am here now and I will lead you to safety and, more importantly, warmth" Later, as they recovered,(with the lack of an instore Brandy carrying St Bernard, we effect heat restoration with the aid of 2 strategically strapped wbc sausage rolls, 1 under each arm pit does the trick) and I regaled them with tales of my retail derring do, they asked me a question. " how do you manage the cold, it doesn't seem to affect you at all?"
"aha" I chortled,(I'd always wanted to chortle one day and had been saving this one up) " the secret is, I and in fact all our staff, are protected by the warm glow of BP's love!"
Directions To The Pot
The old man shuffled up to me (I think it was the way he walked and not
that someone had tied his laces together) 'scuse me son' he said,
'toilet?' and did a little tap dance on the spot that intimated to me
that the need was quite urgent. ' follow me I replied and briskly
marched toward the toilet' behind me I could hear a determined shuffle
trying to keep up. When opposite the toilet I said 'there you go' and
left him to it.
I returned to my station and continued with the confect plan. A few moments later I again heard a shuffling behind me, this time followed by an even more desperate tap routine, turning round I was met once again by the old fellow, 'thats the ladies son there's no urinal?'he almost cried .....'Ah I see, Thats actually a unisex toilet sir and we have only the one, fine to use that one......A look of enormous relief crossed his wizened old features and he turning so swiftly I'd imagine he dislocated a hip, he half shuffled half galloped off toward the toilet.....a brief moment later I swear a satisfied groaning filled the shop!
I returned to my station and continued with the confect plan. A few moments later I again heard a shuffling behind me, this time followed by an even more desperate tap routine, turning round I was met once again by the old fellow, 'thats the ladies son there's no urinal?'he almost cried .....'Ah I see, Thats actually a unisex toilet sir and we have only the one, fine to use that one......A look of enormous relief crossed his wizened old features and he turning so swiftly I'd imagine he dislocated a hip, he half shuffled half galloped off toward the toilet.....a brief moment later I swear a satisfied groaning filled the shop!
Festive Focus
With our immense focus on the festive season and the abundance(ABUNDANCE!) of festive stock in store I cant help feeling that we're missing a trick. We have no Santa's grotto! With this in mind and utilizing old cardboard and recycled blue tack retrieved from the back of an old Safeway sweeping log(!) We have constructed our own Santa's Grotty here at Solihull round the back of the carwash. The wbc ladies playing Santa, she was the only one who could supply her own beard, and we even have a happy elf,Ian in tights, (Khadra being unavailable this year).Again he supplied his own which worried me slightly, but I suppose lots of young lads own green tights in these enlightened times.
Anyway, the Grotty was very popular doing a roaring trade until the riot ensued. Many bloody noses were accumulated and we now have one seriously traumatized (former) elf. On reflection I suppose left over promo items WERE unsuitable presents from Santa and this led to the revolt. Our attempts to SOC converse with several parents lent further fuel to the flames so to speak and the whole experiment had to be aborted somewhat abruptly. I do think the R.S.P.C.As fuss over the reindeer's antlers was much to do about nothing, the dog was perfectly fine and once the superglue degrades the upturned headbands will fall off naturally.
Anyway, the Grotty was very popular doing a roaring trade until the riot ensued. Many bloody noses were accumulated and we now have one seriously traumatized (former) elf. On reflection I suppose left over promo items WERE unsuitable presents from Santa and this led to the revolt. Our attempts to SOC converse with several parents lent further fuel to the flames so to speak and the whole experiment had to be aborted somewhat abruptly. I do think the R.S.P.C.As fuss over the reindeer's antlers was much to do about nothing, the dog was perfectly fine and once the superglue degrades the upturned headbands will fall off naturally.
Choke On It
In order that our more...shall we say..simple customers aren't caught out, M&S kindly help them in little significant ways. Take for example the Cakes we sell, these include a helpful serving suggestion which is a picture of said cake sliced and presented on a plate! Revolutionary.
This would assist those more elderly customers who may have been opening the cake and banging it straight in the deep fat fryer.
Usually things like this come around for HSSE reasons, maybe at some point in the past Accident and Emergency units were filled with the very same elderly folk wearing permanent rictus grins on account of trying to eat the full cake in one bite, subsequently giving themselves lock jaw.
“ello, ustomer are? I ot ock yaw ....OCK YAW? Es, ats what I aid, yaw .....”
One can only imagine their sad plight as they try to give their personal details with a mouth stuffed full of whole Victoria Sponge,
Name ? “MFFFFLLLLFLUUUFFF!”
This would assist those more elderly customers who may have been opening the cake and banging it straight in the deep fat fryer.
Usually things like this come around for HSSE reasons, maybe at some point in the past Accident and Emergency units were filled with the very same elderly folk wearing permanent rictus grins on account of trying to eat the full cake in one bite, subsequently giving themselves lock jaw.
“ello, ustomer are? I ot ock yaw ....OCK YAW? Es, ats what I aid, yaw .....”
One can only imagine their sad plight as they try to give their personal details with a mouth stuffed full of whole Victoria Sponge,
Name ? “MFFFFLLLLFLUUUFFF!”
Retail Radio
Retail radio is destroying my soul!
I really cannot abide any more radio friendly easy listening played incessantly throughout my day,and as for Gary the wild bean guy! How did this guy get the job? He delivers his script with all the passion of a wet rag. “We're passionate about coffee” No your not Gary no your not! If he pauses between lines one more time I'm throwing a csa at the speakers.....a big one at that! No names........
Maybe retail radios awfulness is the reason people who queue perfectly normally anywhere else suddenly develop schizoid tendencies when asked to do so at bp? They hop from foot to foot, angry eyes glaring at the poor ol' csa's.
'How dare they be serving someone else/filling stock or picking their noses, time is money and I'm in a queue doing my irate gorilla'
Thankfully I have the new M&S fruit naming policy to cheer me up.(!) The names have been 'funkyfied' to jazz up the range....FRUITY BEAUTY.....MANGO MADNESS and MElONOMA MELONS......I think I may have made the last one up? .Unfortunately as you can no doubt tell, M&S going funky is somewhat akin to your nan doing the Prodigy's Firestarter at some God awful family gathering and, either way your getting to see M&S' s bloomers and thats neither funky NOR healthy for any of us!
I really cannot abide any more radio friendly easy listening played incessantly throughout my day,and as for Gary the wild bean guy! How did this guy get the job? He delivers his script with all the passion of a wet rag. “We're passionate about coffee” No your not Gary no your not! If he pauses between lines one more time I'm throwing a csa at the speakers.....a big one at that! No names........
Maybe retail radios awfulness is the reason people who queue perfectly normally anywhere else suddenly develop schizoid tendencies when asked to do so at bp? They hop from foot to foot, angry eyes glaring at the poor ol' csa's.
'How dare they be serving someone else/filling stock or picking their noses, time is money and I'm in a queue doing my irate gorilla'
Thankfully I have the new M&S fruit naming policy to cheer me up.(!) The names have been 'funkyfied' to jazz up the range....FRUITY BEAUTY.....MANGO MADNESS and MElONOMA MELONS......I think I may have made the last one up? .Unfortunately as you can no doubt tell, M&S going funky is somewhat akin to your nan doing the Prodigy's Firestarter at some God awful family gathering and, either way your getting to see M&S' s bloomers and thats neither funky NOR healthy for any of us!
Shoot The Shoplifter
New tack for shoplifting whereupon I get left in doorway shaking an
angry fist as they hare off down the road steak in pants, I'm going to
shout after them...STOP OR I SHOOT!
I expect they'll throw themselves to the floor wondering a)if I'm going to shoot and what with, b)wow bp have gotten strict and c)oh no I hope I haven't whiddled on the steak. In cases of c i reckon we'll stand the loss even if the steak has been recovered.
The shouting would prove doubly effective if accompanied by you pointing the hht at them and scanning as you do so,the infra red beam will convince them you've taken aim and are ready to shoot!
I expect they'll throw themselves to the floor wondering a)if I'm going to shoot and what with, b)wow bp have gotten strict and c)oh no I hope I haven't whiddled on the steak. In cases of c i reckon we'll stand the loss even if the steak has been recovered.
The shouting would prove doubly effective if accompanied by you pointing the hht at them and scanning as you do so,the infra red beam will convince them you've taken aim and are ready to shoot!
Finger Puppets
For new managers one of the hardest aspects of retail life is handling
discipline for staff, luckily the current Hula Hoop promotion gave me an
idea to help mitigate this, thereby making life easier for managers
everywhere.
The answer of course is , Finger Puppet alter egos!!!
The finger puppet, (deliberately made with an angry face) will act as
the managers alter ego enabling the manager to switch between happy go
lucky friend of the world to homicidal maniac in a split second, the
time it takes to don the puppet basically, without becoming unpopular.
But, I hear you stutter, staff wont follow a puppet surely? Fear not ye
doubting Thomas's, it is all about rank, you tell people that the puppet
is in charge and they will be eager to comply, I mean most of them will,
at some stage, have had worse managers than a puppet right?
Of course this will require the manager to enact a certain degree of ventriloquy and the art of speaking without moving ones lips, (particularly when foaming at the mouth) is not an easy one. For this I suggest Botox. Check any Botoxed celebrity victim and you will notice not only do their lips not move but 2/3s of their lower face is frozen solid forever. Your RTM will authorise Botox via paid outs, I'd suggest managers repairs is perfect. The combination of the botox and a ventriloquy module on the el box, (Mr's Warsop is writing it now) will enable the manager to go about his business in a friendly manner, conversing with staff etc, while, via his new found skills in puppetry, the puppet appears everytime discipline is needed.
Imagine if you will that Carl of Stonebridge, for example, is chatting to Mary on the till about her bunions all sympathetic like and then he notices she has missed a tick on one of our many ticklists,instead of flipping his lid and spoiling the moment he whips out 'little Carl' who proceeds to berate Mary, meanwhile 'big' Carl can stand there without the sympathetic smile leaving his face!
For the rest of the shift then Mary gives the puppet the cold shoulder but still converses happily with Carl regaling him fully to her ailments.
As for the puppet this will need to be made carefully and should be wearing full bp uniform including miniature badges. Should you need assistance Brendan at Tamworth is a dab hand with the sowing machine ( Mrs Brendan insisted they share a hobby) and Clair at KN can help out with a badge maker. (I believe Tracey knocks them up in her shed)
Please note that the puppet should not be used to deal with RTM visits. I'm quite sure Mamas would chat happily with the finger puppet but its just not the done thing
Of course this will require the manager to enact a certain degree of ventriloquy and the art of speaking without moving ones lips, (particularly when foaming at the mouth) is not an easy one. For this I suggest Botox. Check any Botoxed celebrity victim and you will notice not only do their lips not move but 2/3s of their lower face is frozen solid forever. Your RTM will authorise Botox via paid outs, I'd suggest managers repairs is perfect. The combination of the botox and a ventriloquy module on the el box, (Mr's Warsop is writing it now) will enable the manager to go about his business in a friendly manner, conversing with staff etc, while, via his new found skills in puppetry, the puppet appears everytime discipline is needed.
Imagine if you will that Carl of Stonebridge, for example, is chatting to Mary on the till about her bunions all sympathetic like and then he notices she has missed a tick on one of our many ticklists,instead of flipping his lid and spoiling the moment he whips out 'little Carl' who proceeds to berate Mary, meanwhile 'big' Carl can stand there without the sympathetic smile leaving his face!
For the rest of the shift then Mary gives the puppet the cold shoulder but still converses happily with Carl regaling him fully to her ailments.
As for the puppet this will need to be made carefully and should be wearing full bp uniform including miniature badges. Should you need assistance Brendan at Tamworth is a dab hand with the sowing machine ( Mrs Brendan insisted they share a hobby) and Clair at KN can help out with a badge maker. (I believe Tracey knocks them up in her shed)
Please note that the puppet should not be used to deal with RTM visits. I'm quite sure Mamas would chat happily with the finger puppet but its just not the done thing
The Crunch
Dear Mr Harding,
Despite the current credit crunch and my own understanding that we need to cut costs I fear I must ask for extra hours, not in the day you understand as I appreciate that is beyond your remit, but on my wages budget. You see, there are many new things afoot, within our beloved b.p, that play heavily on my time. For example it now takes me 15 minutes longer to leave the house every morning after 'badging' up. By the time I have pinned all in place, ensuring they don't overlap and obscure each other, and cleaned up the blood from the stab wounds (crack of dawn and badge location don't go well together, thank God we don't do trouser badges! Please don't forward that as an idea to the marketing team) I've forgotten where I'm supposed to be going!
Then when I do finally get to work and have to print off the daily M&S ticket files, this takes further time tearing the new perforations, I'm convinced evil minds work in M&S ticketing,looking for new ways to mess with bp minds, “lads lads , lets make the perforations so tiny they need tweezers to separate them” . This obviously includes the morning 'headbang' ritual as I try to understand which day the tickets are actually meant for. Encouraged to to make a weeks worth of ticket files on the wall we're now receiving 2-3 weeks in advance, I fear I will be wallpapering the office at this rate and with my absent mindedness this is likely to include the door. I will thus be unable to go home without crashing through a week next Tuesday, rendering that days ticketing useless and leaving the poor sod on that am the odourous task of trying to find new ones!
The third (potential) time constraint is around the new AMSCREEN digital counter display thing. This is purportedly going to include up to date traffic reports. I implore you to take this option out? Mr Harding, we have old people among our customers,they cannot be let loose on a screen displaying up to date traffic reports, they'd spend hours in store arguing the accuracy, holding up queues and falling asleep as they become mesmorised by its flashing imagery. Traffic, weather and the price of stamps should be subjects automatically banned, I'd be grateful if you'd give Sir Alan a bell about this asap.
Despite the current credit crunch and my own understanding that we need to cut costs I fear I must ask for extra hours, not in the day you understand as I appreciate that is beyond your remit, but on my wages budget. You see, there are many new things afoot, within our beloved b.p, that play heavily on my time. For example it now takes me 15 minutes longer to leave the house every morning after 'badging' up. By the time I have pinned all in place, ensuring they don't overlap and obscure each other, and cleaned up the blood from the stab wounds (crack of dawn and badge location don't go well together, thank God we don't do trouser badges! Please don't forward that as an idea to the marketing team) I've forgotten where I'm supposed to be going!
Then when I do finally get to work and have to print off the daily M&S ticket files, this takes further time tearing the new perforations, I'm convinced evil minds work in M&S ticketing,looking for new ways to mess with bp minds, “lads lads , lets make the perforations so tiny they need tweezers to separate them” . This obviously includes the morning 'headbang' ritual as I try to understand which day the tickets are actually meant for. Encouraged to to make a weeks worth of ticket files on the wall we're now receiving 2-3 weeks in advance, I fear I will be wallpapering the office at this rate and with my absent mindedness this is likely to include the door. I will thus be unable to go home without crashing through a week next Tuesday, rendering that days ticketing useless and leaving the poor sod on that am the odourous task of trying to find new ones!
The third (potential) time constraint is around the new AMSCREEN digital counter display thing. This is purportedly going to include up to date traffic reports. I implore you to take this option out? Mr Harding, we have old people among our customers,they cannot be let loose on a screen displaying up to date traffic reports, they'd spend hours in store arguing the accuracy, holding up queues and falling asleep as they become mesmorised by its flashing imagery. Traffic, weather and the price of stamps should be subjects automatically banned, I'd be grateful if you'd give Sir Alan a bell about this asap.
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