Rage Against The Machine

I consider myself a retailing professional, I think I’ve earned that conceit after all these years. Granted my usage of tills is fairly ltd to …well… now and again, but I know my stuff and can usually serve a customer without too much fuss and drama…usually…..Therefore it troubles me greatly that I am completely and utterly inept when it comes to using self serve in supermarkets! To the embarrassing point that the duty manager at our local mini Tesco wants to bar me from using the self serve!

Oh I start well enough I manage too hit the START button fairly well after barely a pause for thought, its from here on out that the problem arises and myself and the electronically voiced lady have issues.Firstly I struggle manfully with the damn bags, do they super glue the stupid things shut? Now I’m not a sweaty handed individual thankfully and I cant get the things to open naturally. I try licking my fingers(I know!) rubbing my trousers….for electric friction people, concentrate here…….and in desperate frustration accosting a passing greasy haired personage for a dripping or two. To no avail whatsoever, usually at this point, probably prompted by greasy person complaining, an assistant comes and rescues me with a one fingered release system! My ire rises and the temper is beginning to surface to ugly proportions.

Now I begin to scan, naturally the first item takes 17 passes over the myopic scanner before it takes, then of course scanning itself 9 times.Once I figure out how to remove the 8 errant items the lady prompts me to bag the item. This I do, the lady prompts me AGAIN to bag the item.

“I have bagged the item “ I plead “PLEASE PLACE THE ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA” “I have placed the f****** item in the F****** bagging F****** area.”

I believe my constraint at this stage is admirable. Finally after moving said item into a variety of positions, it now stands on his head at a precise 90 degree angle, the ’lady’ accepts and asks me to continue. This I do again encountering the Mr Magoo of scanners before attempting to once again bag, and failing once again to bag ‘PLEASE ‘PLACE THE ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA’ “I have I have I swear I have placed the item in the bagging area!”

Half hour later when I’ve finally scanned and bagged my 5 items(!) I must pay, I choose cash, it prompts me to choose a payment type I AGAIN choose cash, it prompts me in loud dull tones once again to choose a payment type. At this stage I ignore the stupid machine and, after 34 attempts manage to get IT to accept my increasingly battered £10 note . It vomits my change helpfully onto the floor and as I pick this up I swear I can hear HER sneering from inside the damn machine but....finally....I am free to leave and doffing my non-existent hat at the exasperated looking duty manager I leave the store with a happy little gait.